Schools Out for the Summer! Now what?

Schools Out for the Summer! Now What?

So, school is wrapping up for another year. Kids are ready and so are their teachers, but are you ready parents? Do you have things planned for your kids to keep them occupied? Because about two or three days in you’re going to hear two words, “I’m bored!”

I know most kids are going to want to sleep, watch TV and play videos games all day. But, is that a good thing? I would say “no” for so many reasons. I have been talking with parents who are gearing up for summer and what they can do with their kids to keep them busy. I have seen ideas come across my Facebook of what others suggest.

So, as someone who has worked with children in a variety of settings, I suggest put down the remote or video game controller and go outside. I had one parent say their rule was, if it is warmer than 65 degrees their children were not allowed to play video games that they had to be outside playing. This seems like a good rule to me. There are so many things kids can do outside.

When we adults were growing up there was no cable TV or videos games to watch mindlessly for hours on end. I could watch a little TV but then I had to be outside. I live in Northern Michigan, you know, God’s country. We have beautiful beaches, festivals, parades, and other tourist things to do. There were many days I would go to the lake and swim and cool off. I would go play with neighbor kids, ride my bike, and in general get dirty!

For many parents now, they are pretty much forcing their kids outside to play. Those outside activities haven’t changed. They are still there. Let your kid have a summer and be a kid. Let them play with other kids, run through the sprinkler, ride their bikes, camp in the back yard, build forts, and just be a kid and get dirty!

They will thank you for it.

Take them to the beach, the library, send them to camp, involve them in sports, send them to community activities (find a church with an awesome Vacation Bible School program), many kids go to day camp. This is where they make friends and have fun! Check on line or your local paper for what things you can do as a family too.   

I know many parents have to work and don’t have the ability to be home with their kids during the day, so finding a quality summer day camp program is important. I suggest finding something where there is a variety of activities, field trips, swimming, playing outside, crafts, organized games, and other activities your kids would enjoy.

So, how do you structure your time if you are home with your kids? Do you spend your whole day at home? Do you go out for parts of the day? Ask your kids what they would like to do. Make a plan. Make it something your kids look forward to. A day at the zoo, or the beach, spend the day with friends and do a big group outing. Kids need structure even in the summer. It can be fun structure, but they need it.

I saw something come across on my Facebook that went something like this:

Read for 20-30 minutes

Do something creative (Legos, a craft, play a game)

Play outside for at least 30 minutes

Do something for someone else in the family

Do these two or three chores around the house

Then AFTER all of this you can play video games or watch TV for 1 hour.

I really liked these ideas. Also, get your teens involved in something. Let them volunteer in the community, let them babysit, or do yard work to make extra money. I spent my summers babysitting. I know kids who have worked all summer and saved their money and then got something they really wanted like a bike or a car.

What to do if it rains? Have an indoor picnic, play board games, read a book, play with toys, let your child use their imagination! Check out Pinterest! There are all kinds of fun things to do there.

The bottom line, let your kids be kids and have a fun filled summer without being in front of a screen. Have a fun and safe summer!

Will You Be My Friend?

Will You Be My Friend?

We all want friends. We all want to be liked. What qualities do you look for in a friend? What qualities do you teach your children about having healthy friends? I ask these things to the children I work with all the time. Some of their answers are cute and sweet, like they share or they are nice. Awe, how cute right? While these things are very true and basic, we need to look beyond the basic.

For many of us the friendships we make early in life can carry on for many years. Why is this? Well, because you find friends that meet your needs and you meet their needs. Friendship, like any relationship is a two way street. It is a give and take, if you are always giving or always taking eventually the friendship will die out. This is true no matter the age. If you are a five-year-old little kid and your “friend” is always taking your things, will you still be there friend? Most likely you won’t be.

If you are a teen and your friend is always getting you in trouble or being a bully, will you continue this friendship? If you are a smart kid, most likely you would not. Parents are there to guide and direct who makes a good or healthy friend for us. They may point out sometimes when someone who a kid believes is their friend keeps hurting their feelings or getting in trouble over and over that maybe that person is not the best person to be spending time with.

Parents need to be having regular talks with their kids no matter the age, who is a good friend and who is not. So, what makes a good friend? Well, those basic things, they play nice, they share, they are kind, they listen, and they respect you as a person and accept you for who you are.

Parents, do you have rules about when, where, and to who’s house your child goes? I hope the answer is yes. When I was growing up my mom had to know who the family was, where I was going and when I would be home. I also had to check in with her regularly. My mom had to know my friend’s parents and if there would be an adult at home. Did I always like her rules? No, but I tell you what those rules kept me out of trouble!  

Yes, I know kids don’t like rules. Sometimes as a parent you want to be your child’s friend, but, you can’t be at least when they are young. You need to be their parent and set limits and boundaries. They need to know what is acceptable and what is not. It is okay to tell your child “no.”

The other part of your job as a parent is to model good relationships. Your children are watching you and how you handle your friendships. They watch when you gossip about a friend or say something rude about a friend behind their back. Kids are WAY more aware of things than what parents realize. They hear your phone conversations. They hear you talking in the next room. Kids have this magic way of knowing when their parent is on the phone and they can really hear you then!

Also, parents need to give their child opportunities to make good friends. Many of my true friends I had were from church. The reason was because my mom knew the families. We were all family friends and so therefore my mom knew what they stood for and that I would be safe with that family if I went with them.

So, when having these talks with kids about friendship, also talk about their side of the friendship. When they come to you and tell you that someone is mad at them, talk to them about why they think that person is mad at them. Maybe your kid messed up and hurt their friend’s feelings? Maybe your child was the mean one? 

Help your child learn from the mistake and try to make it right. Maybe they need to go apologize for their actions. It is okay to mess up, we are all human. It is having the ability to say that you are sorry and truly meaning it.

Yes we all know how kid friendships go, one minute they are best friends and the next they are not. One of the things of any relationship is to know that maybe being around your best friend all the time is not the healthiest thing either. Sometimes it is best to sometimes go play with another friend for a little while. If you are truly friends it will be okay.

Now, we all have heard kids say to one another, “if you are friends with her, I won’t be friends with you!” So, how do we help kids handle that one? Well, part of it is that it isn’t okay for one person to control who your child is friends with. If they are truly a friend it won’t matter who they hang out with.

Yes, this hurts greatly that your child’s friend is trying to control who their friends are. Then as a parent, teach your child to stand up not only for themselves, but their friend too. I know of times where a child tries to befriend a kid that is not so popular and the child gets bullied in the process. Hopefully this child is strong enough with themselves they can stand up for what is right.

Yes kids can be so cruel! But, hopefully with some talking and teaching we can help kids be able to not only pick good friends, but also stand up for the kids who need a friend. It doesn’t matter the quantity of friends, but the quality of friends that counts!

  

Children Who Get Left Behind

Children Who Get Left Behind

We are in that time of year that we celebrate mothers and fathers, which for many children and teens is something they just do. They make a gift or card to show their appreciation of what their parent has done for them. They have no problem walking down the card aisle and look at all the nice cards and funny ones and choose a card that best fits their parent. For many children this is the norm. That is wonderful!

But, there are the other kids who have a parent or parents who have left them. They have been abandoned by their parent. This abandonment can be emotional, physical, or both. These children are hurting. They hurt because they look around them and see the “normal” kids doing nice things with and for their parents to honor them on their special day.

Parent abandonment is a very hard thing for children to understand. Even at a very young age children realize what “normal” is. They look around and see that other children have both parents. Older children know what life was like before their parent left. They know the pain first hand of having a parent leave them and never come back. The reasons are endless, divorce, abuse, jail, a parent being “too busy.” Never mind the reason, the fact of the matter is that the parent or parents have left.

The child feels alone. For the lucky ones they have adults who step into their lives that take over that parent role. This could be an aunt, uncle, older sibling, family friend, grandparent, or step parent. This is great and helps fill a need for that child.

When a parent leaves their child, they leave a big hole and a lot of unanswered questions. “Why did you leave me?” “What did I do?” “Where are you?” “Are you coming back?” “Was I bad?” These questions may never be answered. What these children need to understand is this; it is not your fault! Your parent made a choice to leave. They walked out and didn’t give any answers that made any kind of sense.    

So, what does this mean for these children? Will they have problems for the rest of their life because of this? The answer is complicated, but not, all at once. They will be fine, eventually. If they get the proper help to guide them through. They need support. They need understanding. They need room to be hurt and angry. They have reason to be.

These children will feel more insecure. They will be afraid that someone else is going to leave them behind. They will have low self-esteem. They will have to have very understanding supports in their lives that will be able to reassure them, “it will be okay.” They need someone to say, “I will not leave you.” They need to feel safe, because at some point the one person who was supposed to help them feel safe, left them behind.

So, as a support person what can you do to help? Well, for starters listen to these hurting kids. They probably are not going to trust you right off. They have been hurt by the one person they thought would never hurt them. It may take some time, or a lot of time to build trust. Hang out with these kids. Invite them to your home. It may be that your child has a friend in this situation. Invite them to your home to hang out with you and your family. They need to see what a “normal” family looks like. They need to see what a “normal” family does. Invite them to dinner, to hang out, to church. These kids need to know that you are an adult that can be trusted and loves them.

If you have a child in your own family with this issue, make yourself available to them. Help them, hang out with them. Take them fishing. One of the men in my church always says, “Every boy needs an uncle and every girl needs an aunt.” They may not be any biological relation to you, but you can still build a life long relationship with these kids.

God has put you in the path of that child for a reason. That child needs you. They need to know they are not alone and that there will always be someone there to help them.  

Even Church Kids Need Help Sometimes

Even Church Kids Need Help Sometimes….

Your family goes to church. You are involved in church. You teach your children all about God and how He loves them. That’s great! But, you and your children still live in the world. Your kids still have issues. They have hurts of this life that they just may not know how to deal with. And you as their parent don’t know how to help them.

The problems of this world still affect you and your children. There is still divorce, abuse, bullies, death, and so on. Your child still needs someone they can talk to, a professional sometimes. Just because you or your child needs counseling does not make you a weak person or mean that you are not a good parent or a good Christian. It just needs you need help.

So, how as a parent do you find a true Christian counselor for yourself, or your family? Just because it says “Christian” on the door may not make it true. Ask your pastor who they would recommend. I have pastors tell me time and time again they won’t recommend someone unless they have met them and talked to them to know they are a Christian in word and deed. When you talk with a counselor that says they are a Christian ask them if they use scripture or biblical principles to counsel. You will get a good idea pretty quickly whether they do or not.

When someone asks me questions about how I counsel and use scripture, my response it typically along the lines of, I use it all the time. If I know that you or your child is a Christian and that is why you have sought me out I tell them point blank that we will pull out the Bible and use it as we are talking. I will share with your child biblical concepts like “treat others the way you would like to be treated.” Or I will use concepts from the Bible to talk about things like anger and sin. (I have taught Sunday School for many years!)

Also, when you or your child needs help, reach out to your church family. Talk to your pastor or your youth pastor and see what they can do to help you. When your child is hurting pray with them and for them, I am sure you do this already! Let your child know that you are praying for them. Be available to them for when they need to talk. Talk to them about biblical concepts that can help them in their situation.

I have had many kids who come from good Christian homes that struggle with things like depression, anger, anxiety, stress, bullies, school, peers, and so on. I have had teens tell me that they think about hurting themselves. These are teens that come from good Christian homes with good Christian parents. Satan is alive and at work! If he can’t take you out, he will go for your kids!

Kids need to learn how to handle the problems of life in a godly way. They need to understand who they can go to in time of need and hurt. They need to know who they can trust. This is a conversation parents need to have regularly with their children. You as parents need to talk to them about other adults that you trust and who can help your child if you are not available or able.

I do not have kids of my own, but I make it very clear to my church kids and other kids I come in contact with that they can ALWAYS come to me. I make myself available to kids at church if they need to talk to me. I try very hard to be a person that not only do kids trust but so do their parents.

Your family needs to be in a church with an active children’s and youth program with adults who love on your children on a weekly basis. If this isn’t happening then your family may need to find a new church home. A church is not a building; it is the people who are inside of it that make it a family.

When your family is in trouble or hurting there is no shame in seeking out help. Just because they live in a Christian home does not mean they won’t try things like drugs or alcohol. It doesn’t mean they won’t feel sad or like they want to harm themselves. These are big issues parents, issues that most likely need the help of a professional. So, pray and seek out help! God may have just the right person there to help you or your child!