The Brady Bunch Isn’t Real
Blending a family is no easy job from any side. You are trying to blend
two different households into one. Not only are you as the parents combining
your stuff, money, and every other part of your life you are asking your kids
to live with people they may or may not like.
This isn’t easy! Your kids did not ask to be put in this situation.
Most of the time kids are still coping with their parents’ divorce.
They are grieving and hurting. Then you as their parent put them into a situation
they really don’t want to be in most of the time. So, what can you do as a
parent?
For starters, listen to your kids! You are still their parent and you
need to be their parent. Make time for
them. No matter their age this is not
easy for them. They are trying to figure out who is going to be there and help
them. There are different rules at each parents’ home. This is hard for kids
sometimes. They have to adjust each time they come back to you.
Before you remarry, you as the parent need to talk with your children
about what is going to happen and be willing to listen to what they have to
say. Try to be open to their feelings whether they are good or not. Their feelings
are theirs to have. Talk to your children about your new spouse’s children to
see how they feel about them. Are they okay with them or not? Let your kids be
honest, because if they try to pretend or fake it, it won’t end well!
As a step parent, give your step kids or bonus kids time to get to know
you. This for some children could take a while. They may never fully accept
you, but understand they have their own baggage that comes along with them.
They are hurting and probably very confused. Don’t try to take the place of
their parent. Because if you try, you will hear something like, “you are not my
mom!” or “You can’t tell me what to do!” Every kid with a step parent has at
least thought it if not actually said it out loud at least once.
You are forming a new family so try to help everyone feel included. How
is this done? Well, family activities, dinner, movies, game night, vacations,
hang out nights, you get the idea. It isn’t a magic cure but it is a start.
Know that there will be some rebellion from your kids and your spouse’s kids.
This is normal. Don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Learn to communicate
as a family. Try to make sure the kids get one on one time with their parent so
they have a chance to connect and talk if they need.
Realize as a step parent it is hard for kids to accept you as an authority figure. Let their parent discipline their child as much as possible. Let the parent establish rules with you. Don’t do it alone as the step parent. For some kids it may take a while to get used to you as the step parent being in authority over them. Work out with your spouse how you are going to handle this. Be clear with the kids that together you will make decisions. Kids need to learn the boundaries and expectations of the step parent. This takes time and kids won’t usually get it the first time. Try to have patience with them.
Blending a family in real life is hard work. It takes work on a daily basis
to get things to fit together. Understand that it takes time and it doesn’t have
to be perfect. You are not a perfect parent or step parent. Admit when you have
made a mistake and move on. Kids just want to know they are loved and they
belong in the family.
