Make Holidays Fun Again
One of the happiest times of year for children is Christmas
and New Years. There are parties and plans to be made and traditions to look
forward to but, for some children in becomes a big stressor. They worry whether
they will be able to see both their parents. They worry if Santa will come to
their house because they split time at both parents’ homes. They think more
about their missing parent who may have passed away, be in jail or just left
them.
Children from split homes may have to go between homes to
fulfill the holiday schedule set by the judge. This gets confusing and
stressful for all in involved. Kids may have to split their holiday break or
even the holiday itself between parents, or they spend all the holidays with
one parent this year.
How do we adults make this easier? Well, make your party
arrangements around what your kids can do so they don’t feel left out. Adults,
like grandmas, grandpas, aunts, and uncles need to understand and try to be as
flexible as possible. Please do not as adults argue about the kids within ear
shot of them. This is hard enough for kids, but being argued about, especially
over the holidays, it just makes it worse.
Kids want to be with both parents over the holidays. They
will most likely express missing their other parent at some point. Please
validate this for them. Kids who end up going back and forth between homes
sometimes feel rushed and feel like they never have enough time with their
families.
Do not be surprised if there is more acting out behaviors or
melt downs from your children. Do your best to listen. It will help them and
you, understand what is going on. Reassure your kids that it will be okay. That
Santa will come to both houses, that grandma and grandpa will see them, and over
all that they are loved.
Also, there always seems to be one parent that does more
with gifts at Christmas then the other. Please try to be equal with what you
and the other parent does. Christmas is not the time to try to “buy” your
child’s love. It only lasts for a short time until kids want something else.
Try to put aside your differences during this time so your kids can enjoy their
holidays with both parents. Kids will not remember years from now what they got
for Christmas. What they do remember is what they did and then stuff they got.
Allow your kids to enjoy the holidays with both sets of
parents. Help them to not feel rushed and hurry their way through the holidays.
Help them to have fun and enjoy playing with their new toys and seeing family
and friends. Let your kids enjoy playing with their new toys or doing holiday
traditions with either parent.
Another group of kids who struggle with holidays are the
ones who have had a parent who has passed away or is in jail. No amount of
gifts are going to make this better or make the hurt go away. I would hope that
you have your child in counseling and that your therapist can help your child
work through this.
Children in this situation, no matter of when it happened
still hurt. They miss their parent terribly and need to have their feelings
validated. They must adjust to not having this person in their lives when they
want them the most. Children who have an absent parent are grieving. That grief
never goes away. This also applies to children who have had a parent leave or
abandon them. Even if the parent has not died it is still a loss and a grief
process and needs to be seen that way.
How do we help these kids? Offer a listening ear. Spend time
making new and fun memories with them. Keeping them busy with fun things will
hopefully help them make new memories. When they ask questions about their
missing parent answer them the best you can. It is okay to cry too, because
most likely you as the adult miss them too.
The next group of kids who struggle with the holidays are
kids in foster care. They are away from their families. There may be very good
reasons why they are in foster care, but the bottom line is they miss their
parents no matter what has happened to them it still triggers them. They may
worry whether they will get gifts or not or if they will be able to see their
families at all. Most of the time when they can see their families is during a
supervised visit at an agency office. This may seem uncomfortable because they
are being watched by a worker, their time is limited, and it isn’t home.
There may be worry or scared feelings if kids will have to
face the person who has abused them. They may be fearful to see their parents
or families if someone has hurt them. We as adults also need to be aware of
this. We need to do the best we can to help children feel safe even if that
means that you do not go see parts of your family in order to keep you and your
child safe physically and emotionally.
This is all a lot to think of when you have children with
these issues in your lives. Time does help with the hurt, but be aware that
sometimes the hurt can come up in very interesting and unforeseen ways. It is
our job as adults to check in with the kids in our lives to help them feel safe
while they have fun over the holidays. If you notice your child acting
uncomfortable or not themselves this may be the time for a check in for you or
their therapist.
