Just Stop it Already!

Just Stop it Already!

I have been in private practice for ten years. I have worked with children in different ways for many years before that. Kids tell me all kinds of things. Some are funny, happy, sad, angry, irritating, and every other feeling you can think of.

As kids come to my office for the first time they may be unsure of me, and that is okay. I am a stranger to them. I take my time to build trust with them. After all they are coming to me because some other person has hurt them or life just happens and they feel broken and hurt.

As we get to know each other they begin to trust me with their “story.” They tell me what is bothering them. What their worries are, or fears, or the things that scare them. They tell me of being physically hurt by an adult who was supposed to protect them. They tell me of the scary fight they witnessed between their parents and the police coming to arrest a parent. They tell me how many beers or drinks their parent had the night before. Keep in mind, these are CHILDREN!

They have fears they don’t even realize they have. They trust very few adults if any. They may be going hungry because there isn’t food in the house. They may be homeless because rent didn’t get paid. These are CHILDREN!

There are times I as a person who loves children and works with them daily, I just want to look at the adults I talk to, to tell them to just STOP IT!!! Just stop! Stop hurting your child. This is your child. Whether you like it or not you are responsible for them. They look to you for help, support, and protection. Now mind you most of the time the parent or adult I want to yell at is not coming to my office because they don’t see a problem with what they do to their child. Or they just want me to “fix” their child. I want to look at them and tell them, you did it! You wonder why your child acts out? Take a look around!

Children deserve to be in a loving, caring, supportive environment. They deserve to be provided for and have their needs met. Just so we are clear on what I mean by “needs,” food, shelter, clothes, and education, medical care, and protection.

Children are not something to use, abuse, fight over, manipulate and hurt. Children are a blessing from God. They did not ask to be born. They didn’t choose parents who would harm them or neglect them. Children are to be treasured and loved not hurt and abused.

So, adults, take a look around you. Are your actions causing harm to your child? Do you need to change in order to be a better parent? Do you need to listen to what your child is trying to tell you? If you need help as an adult/parent then let down your pride and ask! Your child with thank you for it.

If you work with children or see a child who seems to have lots of “issues” it may be a way to ask for help and you may just be the person for the job. Take a stand against hurting children and teens. Sometimes they are to scared to talk and they need to have someone speak on their behalf.

The kids who come in my office know that they are “my kiddos” and I do the best job I can to help them and help them feel safe. That is a promise I try very hard to keep!

The Feelings Doctor is In

The Feelings Doctor is In.

A few years ago, I had a young client come to see me for the first time. He wanted to know what my job was. I explained to him that I would be helping him with his feelings and talk about how to handle them better. He thought for a minute. Then he says, “So, you’re a feelings doctor?” I laughed and then thought about his question. I said, “I guess I am.” I now proudly accept that label.

We go to the doctor when we do not feel right physically. We may be sick, have a on going illness or disease that we need to seek regular care for, or we had some kind of physical health crisis like an injury. So, shouldn’t mental health be the same way? Shouldn’t we be able to seek professional help when we don’t feel right mentally? Why is it such a sigma? Having a check up on your emotions and mental health is like having an annual physical. We should be able to seek professional help and not feel shamed by it.

What about a mental health crisis or emotional crisis like a death, trauma, or some other issue? Children, teens and adults all need a little help from time to time. Some are lucky to have a very good support system and they can handle most of what life throws at them. Some times things just hit us out of nowhere. Then there are people who seem like their lives are in constant chaos and have very little supports.

As a life long church attending Christian I have seen other Christians tell people when they seek help say things like, “well, if you have more faith it will go away or be better.” What?!!! The amount of faith you have or don’t have has nothing to do with it. Sometimes things in life just happen. Sometimes that person struggling with depression or anxiety have a chemical imbalance and they need medication to help them.

We as Christians need to understand that everyone needs Jesus, but, someone may need a professional counselor to help them deal with there mental health just like someone with diabetes needs to have insulin to help them. God wired us to have emotions. He knows our feelings, and He has placed Christian Mental Health professionals in our lives to help us when we need it the most.

Just like you go to your physician for your physical health when you need it, some more then others, you may need to seek mental health services to help get your feelings checked. Please do not make excuses for why you don’t want to go. If it is a matter of needing support then find a supportive person to help you.

When I start working with one of my kiddo clients we start with the basics of identifying feelings and when they feel that feeling. We play games, we read books, we talk about feelings. Don’t be afraid to talk about your feelings with a safe person.   

We adults need a safe person too. We need someone we can talk to and know that the conversation is kept to themselves. Adults need to have safe friends and supports too. We can’t do life alone. God has wired us to be in community with each other and help each other, and give support when needed.

So, when you are getting ready for your child to go back to school, do a mental health check up too. As an adult if you just don’t feel yourself. If you seem down or sad or worrying a lot, then it may be time to seek help for yourself. Yes, it may be hard to find help, but ask around. Talk to your supports, your pastor, a friend, your primary care doctor to see if they know of anyone who can help you. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health.  Find yourself a good “Feelings Doctor” and start to feel back to yourself again soon.

Your Back to School Check List

Your Back to School Check List

Pencils—check, paper—check, cool new back pack—check, mental readiness for school—wait, what? As you are checking off your child’s supply list make sure they are mentally ready for school to start again. Are they ready for the stress of school work? Are they still having issues with that one kid who wouldn’t leave them alone last year? Does your unorganized kid have a plan to stay better organized this year?

Helping your child be mentally ready for school is just as important as to be physically ready for school. Do they have the self-confidence to handle “that one kid”? Are they ready for the school work? Last school year did they have issues with anxiety because of school? Are you concerned your child will still have some “behavior issues”?

I know that it is summer and we are all busy with doing the fun stuff, taking vacations, playing at the beach, enjoying family time. But as you get closer to school starting and getting your kids and yourself ready to go back to school take a moment or two to think about issues that may need to be addressed before starting school again.

Some kids are very scared to go back to school for many reasons. It could be bullies, teachers, work load, peer pressure, or something else. Have a very open conversation with your kids about how they are feeling about school starting. Try to reassure them of their worries and fears about starting school. Yes, of course most kids do not want school to start because well, it is school and they are kids. But, if it is more than that then it needs to be addressed.

If you feel they are not ready for school to start for one of these reasons be proactive and preventative about it. Seek counseling services for your child. You and their therapist can help them together. Sometimes kids are more willing to tell a therapist they trust what they worry about then mom or dad. Find a therapist you trust and begin the work of getting your child mentally ready for school. It is better to start now then waiting for a couple of months when there is an actual problem.

Have a talk with the school administration and make them aware of your child’s concerns about returning to school. Is your child starting a new school? Are they the new kid? This can be hard too. Help them try to make friends before school starts. Get them involved in summer sports or church activities over the summer so they at least have a few familiar faces before September roles around.  

Starting school in the fall can be stressful for many kids, but it doesn’t need to be if things are handled in a way that helps your child feel safe. Every child should feel safe at school. This takes lots of work and communication. Many schools have anti-bullying policies in place to help children who are being bullied by peers. There are other helps in place for kids who struggle with organization and school work. There are aids and tutors who can help.

If your kid is the one who has “behavior issues” what could be causing it? Are there issues at home that is causing the acting out behavior? Things that happen at home can roll over to school and cause issues there as well. Some kids however who are struggling at home thrive at school because of the routine school provides.

Then there are kids struggle with worrying about if they will have the things they need to start school. They worry about having nice clothes and shoes so they feel like they fit in with their peers. For many kids that feel this way, this is a big worry that needs to be addressed and have a plan for them to have what they need.

Start your kids off on the right foot to have a successful school year. Don’t set them up for failure. Also, if you are struggling with getting things for your kids for school do not be afraid to reach out. Many schools and communities have back to school collections to help families who may need the extra boost. If you and your family can help with one of these drives by donating supplies for kids going back to school, please do so. When you do, you are making an investment in a kid’s future and helping to set them up for success!

Dear Jesus...People are a Hot Mess!

Dear Jesus, People are a Hot Mess!

Being the hands and feet of Jesus can be dirty. Matter of fact it can be down-right messy. You may get dirty, literally! You may be broken, abused and used! Are you willing to take the risk? Helping others is not an easy job whether you do it as a “profession” or “ministry,” or whatever term you want to use.

Some people just want to use who ever they can, when they can to get by in life. I am not saying to not help these types of people, but set your boundaries very clear and do not give in! They will burn you out so fast and put a really bad taste in your mouth for ever wanting to try to help someone again! Do not be surprised if they get mad at you the minute you tell them no. This isn’t your issue to worry about. It is theirs.

Some people know they need help and are willing to receive it. They are willing to take whatever help they can get and are more than grateful for the helping hand. Those are the people who are easy to help and make your job easier, in some ways. These are the people who you may tend to worry about the most.

Then there are people who you feel like you have to drag kicking and screaming the whole way. And you think “why am I doing this?” Well, why are you? Maybe they don’t want your help. Maybe they are not ready for it. Maybe they don’t seem to think they have a problem with their actions. These are the people that you as the helper may need to back off and let them fall flat on their nose!

If you are putting more effort into helping them then they are in helping themselves, there is a problem! Sometimes a big one! You may be doing more harm then good!  If you are a people person and want to help who ever you can, you need to know your limits.

You are not Jesus. You only have so much energy and effort you can give to a person or situation. There comes a point when helping others that you may need to take a step back and evaluate what you are doing. It is true there are times that things are not about you as a person. Jesus is calling you to help someone and giving you the resources to do so. These are the times that you can see fruit in your effort.

So, how do you help someone in need? Well, myself as a professional I have a list of community resources and networks of other professionals I can call to back me up. This helps me out in times when I know I have a client who needs food or clothes, or some other basic need. I can give them numbers or call on their behave and find out information to help meet that need.

For someone who is not a trained professional, this may be more of a struggle. You want to reach out and help the hurting and the lost. Get connected with your church and find out if there is someone in your church who may know how to help someone who can give you some guidance and direction. If this is not something that you can find through someone else, google it! See what resources are available in your area. This is how I created my list. I have a spread sheet in a binder that I use to keep this information handy. I then do my best to update the information about once a year.

Jesus called us to seek and save the lost, broken, and helpless, but He also warned up to be as wise as serpents and as innocent as doves. So be wise in the ways you help others. Be prepared to get dirty or down-right messy in the process! You know the saying you can tell how much fun you had by how dirty you get! So, go have fun and serve!