What to do with an Angry Kid?

What to do with an Angry Kid?

So, you have figured out your kid has an anger problem, now what? Well, there are many things that can be done to help your child. First, is figuring out what is triggering their anger. It could be many things. If they won’t tell you, then you need to find a professional to help you. It could be something very serious. Most kids get angry over things like, divorce, death, school issues, friends, bullies, family issues, the bottom line is that until your child can talk about what is bothering them there isn’t much that can be done to curb the anger.

They may not want to tell their parent because of many reasons. They may fear getting in trouble. It may be that they are worried that their parent is already stressed and they don’t want to cause any more problems. They may be angry with their parent. They may be afraid due to an abuse or domestic violence situation.

Whatever the reason, if your child is not willing to tell you as their parent then seeking professional help is what is needed. In most cases it is easier for a child to tell a third party person like a counselor than to talk to their own parent. If your therapist is a helpful one, they will include you as the parent in the counseling so that the anger issue can be resolved.

The other thing that your friendly, helpful counselor can do is give your child ways of coping with their anger. There is a reason for the anger. With the help of the counselor, that can be figured out. Also, the counselor can help your child with coping strategies to help defuse their anger when it hits. Things like taking a break or time out, or learning breathing techniques. Being able to label feelings for what they are feeling. Things like your child being able to say that they are angry or sad. Sometimes kids have a hard time being able to identify their feelings for what they are.

Sometimes having ways of distraction when they are upset about something major like death or divorce can also help. It can help the child direct their frustrations to something productive, or they can talk about what is really hurting them. These children are hurting and they need to be able to voice their hurts. If they are not able to then it just gets buried and becomes a bigger problem. This is how things like drug and alcohol use or anxiety start.   

Also, parents need to remember children are learning how to control their emotions. So, kids are going to have meltdowns. It is a normal developmental stage. Especially, in the early years for toddlers and preschoolers, and other stages as well, like middle school years. It is our job to give kids ways to learn self-control. So, things like walking away or telling a trusted adult when someone has hurt them is very important.

We can help them make all kinds of little crafty things to help them redirect their focus and be a visual reminder. Pick one or two of these things and use them well. Make sure that what you pick is something your child can do themselves and use to actually help them. We don’t want to give them a stress ball to squeeze when they are upset if all they are going to do is throw it at someone!

Helping your child figure out what triggers their anger is also important. What or who is upsetting your child? Is it a teacher, a peer at school, a situation, or even you their parent? Figuring this out is so important in helping getting a handle on your child’s anger. We can give them all these tools to help with anger, which will help some, but until figuring out what is triggering your child it is just going to keep going in a cycle.

Your child’s anger and other feelings need to be validated. Your child needs to feel heard. This will help break down walls of communication. If your child knows that you listen then they are more willing to tell you what is upsetting them. You may not as a parent, be able to fix it for them, but you can find someone who can help. A child being angry all the time is not a healthy thing for anyone.  It causes stress not only for your child, but everyone around them, including you the parent. They don’t like feeling angry anymore then you like to see them angry. Do not be afraid to reach out to get help for your angry child. They will thank you for it later!

Self-Care for Kids

Self-care for Kids

We therapists like to throw around this word, “self-care.” Let’s start with what is “self-care?” Well, it is taking proper care of you as a person. We make sure we are sleeping, eating, exercising, getting our work done on time, and taking time for ourselves. We act like this is just something for adults. Well it’s not! Kids need self-care too. What do I mean?

Well, we make sure that kids eat healthy, they get outside and run around (cause let’s face it, if we don’t it is a BAD thing!), they go to bed on time, they go to the doctor when they need, and they do their school work. Well, along with all the things we teach kids we need to teach them, mostly by example to take time for themselves. Sometimes that comes in the form of a “time out” because they are having a rough moment. But, we adults take a “time out” too right? We go get coffee, go outside to some fresh air, or find some fun new activity to do.

We as adults need to teach our children that it is necessary to take a break from life and regroup ourselves. It may be “quite time.” It may be going outside to play or, learning some new skill or activity. Self-care should be something that your child enjoys. For some kids it may need to be more structured, for some it can just be going outside to play. We have to remember as adults that when kids are playing they are also learning. They learn social skills; they learn new skills like cooking, sewing, teamwork, and so on.

Self-care helps to teach children that it is okay to take time for yourself and enjoy something or to just take a break from people because they have had a rough day at school. They may need some extra cuddle time with a parent. They may need to just vent. It is okay to cry because they have had a bad day at school or someone has hurt them.

So, what I encourage the kids that I work with is to discover what they like to do for fun. So things I usually get are, sports, crafts, riding bikes, video games (in healthy doses), playing outside, just think of the things you did as a kid and help your child brainstorm what they can do. This will help them when they need some down time what they can do for themselves. I know kids that are so dependent on being entertained by their parent or sibling that they don’t know how to play one on one. How are they going to learn to work independently when they are older? This is a skill that needs to be taught so why not teach it as a way of self-care?

Some kids naturally just need that time to be alone and away from others. An adult’s job to help them figure out what they can do with their time because, we all know that for some kids if they don’t have ideas then they get a little too creative and then you have a problem or after about five minutes you as the parent may hear your child say “I’m bored!” We as adults showing them healthy things to do with our down time are a good way to start.

Making it a family activity is a way to do this or signing them up for a class or team, but, also keeping in mind, to not overdue things to the point that a child has no time at home because they have so many activities to do. I have heard the family rule, no more than two activities a week, so, for example, may be dance and soccer. This helps keep the family schedule in check and in control. Part of teaching self-care is teaching boundaries too. We don’t want our kids to think that they only way to be happy is to be busy. That is not at all the case. It is all about balance. It is okay to stay home for the day or the evening and just relax. That itself is self-care!  

Teaching self-care to kids is something that needs to be taught early and used often. Kids need to learn to take a break for themselves but also learn to be responsible for themselves and what they need to do for themselves so when they are adults they can learn to balance life a little better.  So when life gets a little crazy and out of control kids can learn to reel themselves back in.

Self-care is also important when there is some kind of family crisis or big stressor going on. As the adult watching your child and recognizing the signs of stress in your child is what is important. Then when they are stressed helping them to take extra time for them to again regroup is what is needed. This will hopefully if done effectively will help your child reduce their stress level.

Learning self-care for children when there isn’t a crisis going on is best because then they can hopefully shift their gears for when they are feeling stressed to help them relax better. This will hopefully reduce things like anxiety and stress to help them when they are feeling upset. This is part of learning self-control and boundaries.

Self-care is important for everyone including kids and teens. It is a good thing to practice early so that it becomes a healthy habit that lasts a life time. It doesn’t matter what profession or job you do everyone has stress. The job of being a kid isn’t always fun and games, it can be stressful too!

Exploding Kids... What to do with a Kid with an Anger Problem.

Exploding Kids…What to do with a Kid with an Anger Problem.

Does your child stomp their feet? Slam doors in your house? Yell? Scream? Argue ALL THE TIME? Do they cry a lot? They are most likely angry about something.  They easily lose their temper and yell or get upset for no apparent reason. They you as a parent or caregiver get tired of the anger and then you get frustrated and angry too. Do you see the cycle?

So how do we as adults help these exploding kids? First when they yell at you try not to yell back. Notice I said TRY. I know it is hard in the heat of the moment to not lose it and yell at your kid. It can turn into a shouting match of which no one wins! It just creates more anger and more frustration on both sides. So, try to just separate yourself from your child and take a break and give them a break as well. Because, honestly they are probably just as angry with you as you are with them. They may not really be angry with you. They may have had a bad day at school, they maybe have someone who is bullying them at school, and they may be really struggling with something you aren’t even aware of. They just know they are MAD!

Also, kids who go through change like a divorce, being placed in foster care, death, or some other crisis are actually mad about that verses actually being angry with you. You just happen to be standing there at the time.  They are so deeply wounded that they don’t know how to express themselves. They can’t be mad at the person who actually deserves it because they are not around. So, you are the lucky target.

So, how do we help these angry kids? First we need to acknowledge that they are angry whether they realize it or not. So, “I see that you are upset. Would you like to tell me about it?” Allow your child to be open with you; even if that means that they are mad at you! Maybe you hurt your child’s feelings or did something that upset them, or they misunderstood something.

Second, if the anger is a “big” issue and the anger is not going away then your child most likely needs a professional to help them and you with their anger. Please seek this help for your child! They will thank you for it later.

Third, help your child identify how to know when they are getting angry. Signs might include, stomping feet, 

slamming doors, yelling, crying, pouting, shutting down, mean looks, and the list goes on! You know our child and what they do!

Helping an angry child is not easy. You need to set limits and not allow them to do something out of anger that will cause themselves or someone else, including you harm. When kids get angry they are not rational. Their emotions are running so high that they don’t know what they are doing or saying. They may not even remember what they say or what you say.

It is better to save your conversation or lecture for when they are claim and can talk rationally. Yes, this may take time. This is why a time out or a break is important for both of you. Also, remember when you are talking with your child to talk in a way that is appropriate for their age. When you talk for a long period of time your child with tune you out and not listen. Make your conversations as short as possible.  

Also, when they do something out of anger that does harm someone else or property then yes there needs to be consequences to those things. Whatever is appropriate, an apology, fixing or replacing what they broke, cleaning up the mess they made, etc.

Having a child who is angry is not easy. It can be frustrating and exhausting. But, just remember what has gotten them to the point of being so angry and help them deal with it in a healthy way. It is okay to show anger, just not to do harm in the process. If your child needs to do something physical to get rid of the angry feelings they have let them bounce a ball, run, jump, ride their bike. If they need space to process their feelings quietly give them some space. Some kids can write or draw about how they feel. Giving them tools to help with the anger can help when the anger comes.

We are all human. We make mistakes. We have feelings. God wired us that way. We all get angry sometimes. We just need to help kids learn to manage their feelings better and in a less harmful way.

Is Technology our Friend or Enemy?

Is Technology our Friend or Enemy? 

Technology is everywhere. We can’t escape it! We are surrounded! So how do we help children manage their time in front of a screen? How much time should children be allowed to be in front of a screen? And by screen I mean television, video games, smart phones, tablet, IPad, or whatever is next!

So like all things we need limits. I am saying “we” because adults need these limits just as much as kids. So, as an adult or parent we need to set the example.  How much time do we adults spend in front of a screen? 

Yes many of us use a computer for work so does that count? How much time do you spend playing games on Facebook or on your phone? What does this say to the people around you, including your children?

If we don’t want children to spend their whole day in front of a screen then neither should adults. So, kids need to see you doing other things besides sitting in front of a screen. Then you as the adult need to set limits with kids about how much time they spend in front of a screen. Is it a couple of hours after school? Weekends only? Is it based on behavior? Adults need to set the limit and then stick to it! Kids will like anything else push the limit on this. Of course you wouldn’t allow your child to sit and eat candy and junk all day so why would you allow them to sit and play video games all day? Yes it is fun, but there are other fun things to do in life.

Yes technology can be very helpful and useful in education and communication. There are definite positives for things like internet and Facebook. Students can type papers, do research, play educational games, but, everything in moderation! Kids also need to learn to think outside of the screen!

Kids need to learn to use their imagination! They need to learn to play not only with others, but to occupy themselves WITHOUT playing video games. They also need to learn that chores and work are also important and video games are something that is done for a little bit of time. Also, what time at night is your cut off for playing video games? For some kids they have problems winding down their minds at night so playing video games right before bed may not be the best idea.

For some kids if they were allowed to sit and play video games they wouldn’t do anything else. Often times I hear kids say that they are “bored” if they are not sitting in front of some sort of screen. They have not learned to go beyond and entertain themselves in other ways. To me this is very sad because these kids are not using their imagination, their talents, or their intelligence to do something of value. Don’t get me wrong I am sure that on some level video games have some sort of value but so do other things.

Also, as adults are we aware of what games our kids are playing? Are they age appropriate? Are they too violent for their minds? Some games are very scary! Also as adults what games are being played in front of very impressionable young minds? God tells us to guard our hearts, so we as adults need to not only guard our hearts but also the children we have been entrusted with.  What else is your child or teen doing online besides playing games? Are they chatting with people you don’t know? Are they looking at porn? Are they being lured in by a predator who wants to harm your child or teen?

We need to take safety measures for our children. We need to monitor who they are friends with on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, or any other social media. Also, the computer needs to be out in a common area so their activity can be monitored and they are being held accountable.  Also, is your child or teen being bullied online? Are their people on Facebook or some other social media site who is bullying your child for the whole world to see? Who is texting your child or teen? What are they saying to them? Is it safe or not?

Protecting children and teens is our job as adults and with technology it can be a challenge. Adults need to educate themselves on technology to better protect their children. They also need be aware of what their child or teen is doing online and when and for how long. As adults we need to help maintain a child’s innocence as long as possible so they can be kids!