What about me?
Your child comes home crying. You ask what is wrong. “Everyone was
invited but me mom. Why?!! What is wrong with me?” Your child’s classmate has
passed out invites for a party and your child was left out, and they are
heartbroken. What do you do as a parent? Do you call the classmate’s parent? Do
you talk to the teacher? How do you handle this?
We have all felt left out from time to time. This is a life lesson all
kids need to learn at some point. For some kids it is harder then others. Kids
don’t understand why they aren’t invited, they just feel hurt when they are
left out. How do you as a parent help them get through these painful moments?
Talk to your child to see what they want you to do. Maybe they don’t
want to be embarrassed by you intervening. Find out who the child is. Maybe
this child is not a friend to your child or they may even be a bully. Maybe
there were only so many kids who could be invited for what ever reason. Try not
to take it personally. In most cases there is some very valid reason for your
child not being invited.
Then there is the idea that maybe the child who is having the party
isn’t really a friend of your child. Maybe that isn’t a bad thing! Maybe this
child is not a nice child and it might be best if your child isn’t around them.
Help your child understand that they may feel left out but, in most
cases, it isn’t something done to be hurtful. There is probably a very good
reason that has nothing to do with them. Help your child understand the
possible reasons as to why they weren’t invited. Comfort your child and
validate their feelings. Help your child
understand it isn’t about them and to try not to take it personal.
When your child plans to have friends over or has a party take a look
at who they invite and why. Does your child feel comfortable having friends at
your home? Why or why not? Take a look to see what you can do as a parent to
support your child in having friends over to play or for a party. If there are
things that need to change then do your best to do so.
Also, be aware of who you invite to your child’s parties. Are they
really a friend of your child’s or are they someone who is mean to your child?
Remember when your child has a friend over to your home, they are letting down
their guard to that child. You are welcoming someone into your child’s safe
space. Inviting a child into your home who is a bully to your child may not be
a good idea.
The day of the party they weren’t invited to may be a good day to have
a party of your own or plan some other fun thing to do to occupy your child.
This will hopefully help them not think or worry about the party they were not
invited to. Go out to lunch, let them
have a friend over, go do something fun!
We all want to feel included and fit in with our peers whether you are
a child or an adult or somewhere in between. Helping your child have solid
friendships and feel included is a hard job. Sometimes there are hurt feelings
and broken relationships that come along the way. The trick is to be able to
move beyond it and find out who your real friends are. This is something that
will help them as they grown up and face bigger issues of peer pressure.
Alison Neihardt is a local child therapist who has been in
practice since 2008. She has her practice Helping Kids Counseling Services is
in Traverse City and Kalkaska. She works with children and their families
dealing with a wide variety of issues from behavior to divorce and grief
issues.
