What About Me?

What about me?

  

Your child comes home crying. You ask what is wrong. “Everyone was invited but me mom. Why?!! What is wrong with me?” Your child’s classmate has passed out invites for a party and your child was left out, and they are heartbroken. What do you do as a parent? Do you call the classmate’s parent? Do you talk to the teacher? How do you handle this?

We have all felt left out from time to time. This is a life lesson all kids need to learn at some point. For some kids it is harder then others. Kids don’t understand why they aren’t invited, they just feel hurt when they are left out. How do you as a parent help them get through these painful moments?

Talk to your child to see what they want you to do. Maybe they don’t want to be embarrassed by you intervening. Find out who the child is. Maybe this child is not a friend to your child or they may even be a bully. Maybe there were only so many kids who could be invited for what ever reason. Try not to take it personally. In most cases there is some very valid reason for your child not being invited.

Then there is the idea that maybe the child who is having the party isn’t really a friend of your child. Maybe that isn’t a bad thing! Maybe this child is not a nice child and it might be best if your child isn’t around them.

Help your child understand that they may feel left out but, in most cases, it isn’t something done to be hurtful. There is probably a very good reason that has nothing to do with them. Help your child understand the possible reasons as to why they weren’t invited. Comfort your child and validate their feelings.  Help your child understand it isn’t about them and to try not to take it personal.

When your child plans to have friends over or has a party take a look at who they invite and why. Does your child feel comfortable having friends at your home? Why or why not? Take a look to see what you can do as a parent to support your child in having friends over to play or for a party. If there are things that need to change then do your best to do so.

Also, be aware of who you invite to your child’s parties. Are they really a friend of your child’s or are they someone who is mean to your child? Remember when your child has a friend over to your home, they are letting down their guard to that child. You are welcoming someone into your child’s safe space. Inviting a child into your home who is a bully to your child may not be a good idea.

The day of the party they weren’t invited to may be a good day to have a party of your own or plan some other fun thing to do to occupy your child. This will hopefully help them not think or worry about the party they were not invited to.  Go out to lunch, let them have a friend over, go do something fun!

We all want to feel included and fit in with our peers whether you are a child or an adult or somewhere in between. Helping your child have solid friendships and feel included is a hard job. Sometimes there are hurt feelings and broken relationships that come along the way. The trick is to be able to move beyond it and find out who your real friends are. This is something that will help them as they grown up and face bigger issues of peer pressure.

Alison Neihardt is a local child therapist who has been in practice since 2008. She has her practice Helping Kids Counseling Services is in Traverse City and Kalkaska. She works with children and their families dealing with a wide variety of issues from behavior to divorce and grief issues.