All Kids Need a Bubble Boundaries for Children

All Kids need a Bubble –Boundaries for Children

 

We all know a child or two that wants to hug and touch everyone! At some point it crosses a line or two and others get frustrated. Like anything else with children they need to learn boundaries. They need to know what they can and cannot do to adults and to other peers. For some children the concept of boundaries can be a very difficult thing for them to understand. It is something to be learned over a life time.

So when I explain the concept of “boundaries” to children I usually try to use a visual. I usually explain that having boundaries is like having a fence around you. Some things can go in and out but not everything. And there is a gate to allow the safe people in and out as you choose.  I also use the visual of having a personal bubble. This helps children understand that everyone has their own space and when we cross that bubble or someone crosses their bubble it can make someone feel uncomfortable.

Why is teaching children “boundaries” so important? This not only protects them, but also protects others. Children need to understand that everyone has limits and that those limits need to be respected, including their own.  This helps the child to understand that they do have control over who they interact with and to what extent. If they don’t want to hug someone, don’t force it. Your child many not be in the mood for a hug or, they may not trust that person. Myself personally, I ask the children I interact with if they would like a hug. I leave it up to them. If they say “no” then I just let it be. I may offer a high five or fist bump instead.

This teaches your child that it is okay to tell others “no” when they don’t want to do something. This includes playing with other children. Your child may not want to play with another child because they may not be in the mood to play with them, or the other child has been mean to them. Let them choose who they play with and then of course as long as the other child is a good influence.

We also need to teach children that others have boundaries. Some children really struggle with keeping their hands to themselves. They want to touch and grab someone or something all the time. I know that this can be frustrating to all involved. Some children also struggle with boundaries when they are angry.  They may lash out and hit another child. This needs to of course be addressed and taken care of. But, all of these things are “boundary issues.”

For some children who struggle with Asperger’s Syndrome they struggle with social interaction in general. They also struggle with reading social ques like facial expressions and body language. For these children teaching boundaries may be more in depth. They need to learn to identify feelings and what it may look like when someone is angry or frustrated.

The same goes for children who have experienced some sort of abuse. They are either very fearful of others and shy away, or they are looking for whatever attention they can get and so therefore they hug and touch whoever they like or see. These things of course can cause many problems.

The concept of “boundaries” needs to be taught from an early age. Children need to learn what is okay to do and what is not okay. As parents and caregivers we have a responsibility to teach these things to the children entrusted to our care. For some children it is easier than others. Like anything it takes patience and practice when working with children on this issue.

Do Children have Feelings?

Do children have feelings?

By Alison Neihardt LPC, NCC

Helping Kids Counseling Services LLC 

www.helpingkidsupnorth.com

hkupnorth@gmail.com

Well of course they do! But, sometimes as adults we do not recognize when a child is experiencing feelings, whether they are good feelings or negative feelings. Sometimes children can become pretty intense with their emotions. You know, they scream, yell, cry, throw themselves on the floor kicking and screaming in the middle of a store. Or, the other side is they are excited and jumping up and down laughing and giggling.

In some cases, if a child or teen does not feel heard they will also shut down and let their feelings bottle up inside of themselves. This is not a good thing either for so many reasons. Children and teens begin to develop anxiety and depression. They feel like their feelings are not important. So, they do not share their feelings with anyone. They then begin to do destructive things like self-harm, isolate, “act out,” hurt others, and feel that they are alone.  

God gave us feelings. It is part of who we are as humans. We as adults need to help children recognize and label their feelings to help children better understand the emotions they have when they are having them. For example, a child is crying, we as an adult may say, “You look sad, is there something I can do to help?” Or, “You look angry, what is upsetting you?” I know this is easier said than done, especially when you as a parent are upset with your child because they have done something that upsets you.

However, that is part of the job of an adult is to help a child. This is may be where taking a break or time out so that YOU as the adult can get your emotions under control could be helpful. If we as adults can tell what our feelings are we can help children label theirs. This is a key part in teaching children how to label their feelings and communication with not only you as a parent or adult, but also helps the child recognize that feelings and emotions can be controlled. It takes practice to be able to control feelings and emotions no one is perfect.

I tell the children I work with all the time that it is okay to be angry, however it is not okay do to something wrong (sin) in their anger. Children begin to recognize when they are mad. For some it takes longer than others. This is also helping children see that they can be heard and understood in their feelings and emotions and that we still accept them even when they are having negative emotions and love them anyway.

So, how do we as adults help children and teens with “big” emotions? Well, for starters acknowledge when I child is feeling emotional. Some feelings are easier to deal with then others. Second, talk to the child or teen about what is bothering them. Maybe they are having a bad day. Maybe they got in trouble at school or someone at school is picking on them. Keeping the lines of communication open is very important! Even if they are young children, they still have big feelings. Sometimes giving some space for children to think and get themselves under control also helps.

Are children still punished for “acting out?” Yes, children and teens need to know their limits and that is part of gaining control over their feelings. It is never okay for a child or teen to disrespect an adult and when this happens there needs to be some correction involved. If a child or teen is not corrected then they think that is it is acceptable to continue their behavior. For some children and teens this is a long process and in many cases needs to be repeated MANY times!

Overall, just be aware of the children and teen’s emotional needs that are entrusted to your care. They look to adults to set the example and help with their problems even if they do not come out and ask they still what guidance, direction, and limits!   

Helping Kids Counseling Services Introduction

Hello—

My name is Alison Neihardt. I am a counselor for children in lovely Northern Michigan. I help children, teens, and their families with all kinds of problems. In my office we talk about bullies, school, friends, grades, parents, siblings, hurt feelings, pain, frustrations, the list goes on and on and on. Kids know that my office is a safe space. They can come in, get a snack, and just unload.

Sometimes going to counseling is scary. I try my very best to help counseling to not be so scary. Some times when I counsel children it looks like we are just drawing or playing games. That is the furthest from the truth! We are building a relationship so children can trust me with their deepest hurts and know that their secrets are safe with me! Most kids come to counseling not really knowing what to expect and or not trusting adults and in some cases more specifically counselors. The reason is very simple they have been hurt by adults. Counselors have told their secrets and caused more hurt, or honestly counselors didn’t provide the help the kids needed.  Or other adults don’t care enough to listen to them. That is one of the biggest thing ANY kid wants, to be heard and understood!

Being a kid is a scary thing sometimes. Having an adult or two or ten that you can trust is vital to survival! For many kids I am one of those trusted adults. For some, I may be the only adult in their lives that has earned their trust, and I do mean earned! I take this part of my job VERY seriously! I do the best to make sure that when a child walks out of my office that they are safe, know they are cared for and loved!

When looking for a counselor for your child, look for someone who not only says they like or “love” kids but actually shows it! Your child should be that counselor’s priority when they are in that counselor’s office. What does this look like? First, they have experience with children. Second, they understand the needs of not only children in general but do their best to understand the needs of your child and your family. Third, you want a counselor who treats your child with love and respect.  And lastly they know how to help your child and your family in the situation that you are in. If you have found this in a counselor, they are a good one!

I have begun this blog to hopefully reach more families and help them in any way I can, whether you actually set foot in my office or not. My goal is to write about things that matter to you and your family. I am collecting a list of ideas to write about and hopefully be able to share with you, the parent.

You of course probably would like to know my qualifications. I am licensed by the state of Michigan as a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC). I am currently working on my Certified Advanced Alcohol Drug Counselor (CAADC). I received my Masters of Counseling from Spring Arbor University Lansing, Michigan. I earned my Bachelors of Science of Counseling, Religious Education, and Associates of Arts in Early Childhood Education from Great Lakes Christian College Lansing, Michigan.

In my spare time I enjoy photography, crocheting, reading, and spending time with my family. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. If I can be of assistance to you or your family please visit my website www.helpingkidsupnorth.com. God Bless!