Parenting Again....When Grandparents are Raising Their Grandchildren

Parenting Again…When Grandparents are Raising Their Grandchildren

Over the river and through the woods to grandmother’s house we go, to live.

When someone says they are going to grandma’s house we think going to grandma and grandpa’s house for a visit. Grandkids stay for a while and visit, play, do something special and then go home. For many children and their grandparents this is not the case. They have moved in to grandma and grandpa’s house if not full time at least part time, and the reasons as to why are endless. It could be financial, death of one or both parents, divorce of parents, drug and alcohol use by parents, children were removed by Child Protective Services (CPS), and the list goes on and on.

This is becoming a bigger trend. Grandparents take in their grandchildren because they do not want them to be raised by strangers or in the foster care system. So what does this all mean? Well, these kids have had something major go on in their lives to warrant this need. For many it is some kind of traumatic event. So, not only are they children, but they are hurting children. And the grandparents are also hurting and stressed because most likely it was their adult child that caused the problem or has passed away.

So in day to day life this means grandparents have to learn to communicate in a new way, like texting and Facebook. They have to deal with many types of appointments to help their grandchildren recover and be as “normal” as possible. Grandparents have to learn this new way of parenting that for some may be very different from when they raised their children. They learn new ways to discipline their grandchildren because in many cases things like spanking does not work and is not acceptable for places like CPS. They also have to deal with school things like parent teacher conferences, Individual Education Plans (IEPs), grades, peers, and on and on.

For grandparents it is also a financial issue. Who helps pay for the needs of these children? Yes, there are things that can help, but for the most part the grandparents are paying. Grandparents also loose their freedom of being able to do things in their retirement like, travel.  They love their grandchildren or they wouldn’t be doing what they are doing. But there are major sacrifices!  

Also, with grandparents there is also the risk of more health issues. So who cares for the children if grandpa has a heart attack or some other health issue? All of these things are big factors for grandparents who are raising their grandchildren.

Children are dealing with a whole host of issues. They are dealing with the loss of one or both of their parents for whatever the reason, living with grandparents who they may know well or they may not. Because they don’t feel “normal” they sometimes try to hide that they live with their grandparents from their peers. What these children need to understand is there are many more children like them who live with their grandparents so therefore it is “normal.”

So, how can we help these parenting grandparents? Well, offer support, invite them and their grandchildren to church, or to dinner, be a listening ear to the grandparents and the grandchildren, offer to babysit so grandpa and grandma can have a break because most likely they don’t allow just anyone to take care of their grandchildren. But most of all have compassion! These families are hurting and are struggling with many things that we may not be aware of.

Kids Worry At School

Kids worry….at school

Do you have a child who doesn’t want to go to school most of the time? Do they struggle with liking school? Do they have poor grades? Do they get bullied on a regular bases? Does your child struggle with making true friends? Do you as a parent make your child’s education a priority?

Many kids struggle with anxiety when it comes to school. They don’t feel safe at school for one reason or another. They are getting picked on or bullied by others. They feel like their teacher doesn’t like them. A child’s grades are low because they are having a hard time with understanding what is it they are being taught.

They dread school because somewhere along the line they have had conflict of some kind, if it is with a teacher or a fellow student. Every child has had this happen at least once in their school career. The trick is helping a child or teen be able to push through the situation and move on.

How can this be done? Talk with your child or teen. Be available to listen when they have had a bad day, week or year. Be aware of who they are hanging out with and who they consider “friends.” Take measures as parents to make home the safe place. School can be downright scary and cruel. Make your home the safe place not only for your kids but their friends too. Be aware of who may be upsetting your child and what you as a parent can do about it. Go to your child’s school and help out. Watch the other kids in the school and the teachers. This helps your child to know that you are present and involved.   

Make sure your child or teen’s school work is done before any other activity like say video games or watching television.  Children and teens need to understand that school work comes first. Sometimes this means making hard choices between school work and sports or other activities. If your child is struggling with subject or two get them help. Sit down with your child and see if you can help or someone else can. Yes they will fight you on this and make it look like they are fine. But the proof is in the grades.

Now the flip side of this is, if your child is trying their absolute best and they still are pulling “Cs” please understand that may be the best work your child can do. Some students are just not good at a particular subject.  Be aware of your child’s strengths and their weaknesses.  Accept them for who they are and love them for the grade that they tried and worked for.

Kids have all kinds of reasons to not like school. But for the most part education and school should be enjoyable on some level.  If they have friends that are good to them and are doing their best work and getting the best grades they can then your child or teen should have their anxiety and stress level down to a healthy level.

Sticks and Stones

Sticks and Stones

by: Alison Neihardt LPC, NCC

We have all heard the phrase, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!” Boy is this so wrong! Words do hurt! There is not physical mark to see but there are mental and emotional bruises to be seen! “Bullying” is the hot topic in schools and has been for a while.

Then we hear the word “bully” it can be seen in so many ways. A bully is someone who tries to make themselves feel better by putting someone else down either physically or mentally. They find something wrong with someone and they pick on that person’s weakness until their victim can’t take it anymore. When someone gets to that point of they can’t take it anymore they do all kinds of things to make the bullying stop. They may push or hit back, go find help, stuff their feelings, pull inward to prevent further hurt, or they in some extreme cases they hurt themselves or even commit suicide.

So, of course how do we as helpers or trusted adults help children when they are being bullied? Well, that can be answered in so many ways. Some people say for the child to stand up for themselves. For some kids that is very hard because their self-esteem is low and they are afraid. So, we as therapists work on building their self-esteem and help the client develop a support network.

Some say for the child to walk away. Well, yes we don’t want to start throwing punches because then the child who by all rights is trying to defend themselves gets into trouble. So, the child can hopefully identify “helpers” for when these situations arise that they can go to and get the help they need to make the bullying stop. That sounds good in theory and sometimes works, but most bullies are aware of this because the first couple of times the bully gets in trouble so they become sneakier in their tactics of bullying. Then the victim can be labeled as a “tattle tale.”

We also don’t want the victim to turn into a bully because they become angry and their way of handling is finding someone else weaker to pick on and bully. Beginning to see the cycle here?

So, now what?

Well, we are forgetting part of the equation here, the bully. In most cases bullies become bullies because they themselves are being bullied or hurt in some way. It may be by another child, an adult, parent, teacher, older sibling, you get the idea. So, what needs to happen is we as adults need to step back and look at the whole picture. Why is this child (the bully) acting this way? Why is the child (the victim) being targeted? Once we as trusted adults have a handle on that, we can hopefully really help both or all children involved in the bullying.

Also, remember with technology and social media, now bullying doesn’t end when the child or teen comes home to where they think they are safe. Nope, they turn on their computer or get a text and the bullying continues! It doesn’t go away! So, we as trusted adults need to help children and teens by monitoring their online use and their cell phones to see what is happening. It is our job as trusted adults to try to know what is happening and be aware of the signs or bullying.

These signs might include, a drop in grades, irritability, anxiety, depression, withdrawing from friends and family, not wanting to go to school, as well as many more. If you see any of these signs ask your student or their teacher if something is going on. Kids will talk if you as a trusted adult will listen.

And as my Sunday School kids do pretty much do, “pray for the bullies to not be bullies!”

Living Seperate Lives Children of Divorce

Living separate lives—Children of divorce

When a child comes from a home of divorce life is automatically more chaotic. There may be very valid reasons for a divorce, but it doesn’t make it any more stressful or hurtful for everyone.  There is more back and forth between homes and different places. Sometimes children don’t get to see one parent but only a few times a year.  

Children feel torn in many different directions. They love both parents but they don’t like the fighting and the arguing that goes on even after the divorce. They don’t understand why everyone can’t just get along. Many times children blame themselves for mom and dad’s divorce. “If I didn’t make dad so mad he would have stayed.” “If I would have listened to my mom she wouldn’t yell at dad so much.”

Just like in death, divorce is also a grief process.  Divorce is a loss. A loss of many things; being “normal,” a parent, siblings, parts of the family, pets, belongings, a house, school, friends, holidays, the list can go on for miles. And many times because parents are busy dealing with their own problems and added responsibilities children feel like they are left on the sidelines to watch.  

Children in many cases become very angry at one or both of their parents for the divorce, or in some cases they are mad at themselves. This anger can come out in many ways; outburst, crying, screaming, yelling, refusing to go to a parent’s home, problems at school, drinking, drugs, depression, anxiety, and the list is endless. Children can become angry because they don’t like to go between homes. This could be for a variety of reasons, especially if there is a step parent and or step siblings involved.

Blending a family is not an easy task and for many families never really happens. The Brady Bunch is only on television. When there is a blended family things like birthdays and holidays can become very stressful and hard to deal with for children. They may not get to see their parent on holidays or they have to deal with new traditions, and new people to share holidays with.  This can all be very overwhelming for a child of divorce. It isn’t always, “I get two Christmases!” 

Children of divorce many times develop anxiety and depression. They have anxiety because in many cases they are trying very hard to please their parents or get attention. They sometimes don’t feel like whatever they do is good enough.  They may think something like “if I get better grades, or play this sport, my parent will love me more.” Then if for some reason when that doesn’t happen they become depressed and discouraged.

Many teens turn to peers to help them cope with family problems. In many cases they start to use alcohol or drugs to cope or get attention from their parents. “If I get in enough trouble my parent will have to pay attention to me.” Or they start getting in trouble at school to get attention, “if I flunk out of math my dad will have to help me.”

So as parents, to help your child please:

1.       Reassure your child regularly that the divorce was not their fault and the problems between mom and dad are not their fault.

2.       Make your children your priority. If they don’t like the person you are dating ask them why and really listen to what they are saying. They may have valid reasons.

3.        Please be very aware that not only did the divorce hurt you as the parent but it also hurt your children. Your children may not say how hurt they really are, but just listen and watch. 

4.       Even after your divorce, remember that your ex-spouse is still your children’s parent that they love. Please do not say negative things with your children even within earshot or in the house with you.  When you have to see the other parent for whatever reason please try not to argue or fight. This just makes the interactions worse. 

5.       Please do not use your children as a messenger service between you and the other parent.

6.       Be aware of your child’s feelings and validate them.

7.       Still discipline your child. They need to know that there are still rules and consequences.

8.       Even if the other parent does not co-parent with you still do your best to be consistent (Rules, bed time, school work, friends, etc.).

9.       Ask for help. When you’re over your head or feeling overwhelmed ask a family member or trusted friend to help you. (Ride for school activities, parenting advice, child care, etc.)

10.   And above all, love on your children; they are hurting and confused too!  

Children also need a listening ear and a helpful hand. Show them it is okay to ask for help and to trust others, and when needed seek a mental health professional to help you and your children through this process.