Living Seperate Lives Children of Divorce

Living separate lives—Children of divorce

When a child comes from a home of divorce life is automatically more chaotic. There may be very valid reasons for a divorce, but it doesn’t make it any more stressful or hurtful for everyone.  There is more back and forth between homes and different places. Sometimes children don’t get to see one parent but only a few times a year.  

Children feel torn in many different directions. They love both parents but they don’t like the fighting and the arguing that goes on even after the divorce. They don’t understand why everyone can’t just get along. Many times children blame themselves for mom and dad’s divorce. “If I didn’t make dad so mad he would have stayed.” “If I would have listened to my mom she wouldn’t yell at dad so much.”

Just like in death, divorce is also a grief process.  Divorce is a loss. A loss of many things; being “normal,” a parent, siblings, parts of the family, pets, belongings, a house, school, friends, holidays, the list can go on for miles. And many times because parents are busy dealing with their own problems and added responsibilities children feel like they are left on the sidelines to watch.  

Children in many cases become very angry at one or both of their parents for the divorce, or in some cases they are mad at themselves. This anger can come out in many ways; outburst, crying, screaming, yelling, refusing to go to a parent’s home, problems at school, drinking, drugs, depression, anxiety, and the list is endless. Children can become angry because they don’t like to go between homes. This could be for a variety of reasons, especially if there is a step parent and or step siblings involved.

Blending a family is not an easy task and for many families never really happens. The Brady Bunch is only on television. When there is a blended family things like birthdays and holidays can become very stressful and hard to deal with for children. They may not get to see their parent on holidays or they have to deal with new traditions, and new people to share holidays with.  This can all be very overwhelming for a child of divorce. It isn’t always, “I get two Christmases!” 

Children of divorce many times develop anxiety and depression. They have anxiety because in many cases they are trying very hard to please their parents or get attention. They sometimes don’t feel like whatever they do is good enough.  They may think something like “if I get better grades, or play this sport, my parent will love me more.” Then if for some reason when that doesn’t happen they become depressed and discouraged.

Many teens turn to peers to help them cope with family problems. In many cases they start to use alcohol or drugs to cope or get attention from their parents. “If I get in enough trouble my parent will have to pay attention to me.” Or they start getting in trouble at school to get attention, “if I flunk out of math my dad will have to help me.”

So as parents, to help your child please:

1.       Reassure your child regularly that the divorce was not their fault and the problems between mom and dad are not their fault.

2.       Make your children your priority. If they don’t like the person you are dating ask them why and really listen to what they are saying. They may have valid reasons.

3.        Please be very aware that not only did the divorce hurt you as the parent but it also hurt your children. Your children may not say how hurt they really are, but just listen and watch. 

4.       Even after your divorce, remember that your ex-spouse is still your children’s parent that they love. Please do not say negative things with your children even within earshot or in the house with you.  When you have to see the other parent for whatever reason please try not to argue or fight. This just makes the interactions worse. 

5.       Please do not use your children as a messenger service between you and the other parent.

6.       Be aware of your child’s feelings and validate them.

7.       Still discipline your child. They need to know that there are still rules and consequences.

8.       Even if the other parent does not co-parent with you still do your best to be consistent (Rules, bed time, school work, friends, etc.).

9.       Ask for help. When you’re over your head or feeling overwhelmed ask a family member or trusted friend to help you. (Ride for school activities, parenting advice, child care, etc.)

10.   And above all, love on your children; they are hurting and confused too!  

Children also need a listening ear and a helpful hand. Show them it is okay to ask for help and to trust others, and when needed seek a mental health professional to help you and your children through this process.