The Giving and Getting Season

The Giving and Getting Season

 

We are in “that” season of the year. The season of shopping and giving. Lots of family planning and activities to be done. Christmas plays and parties to attend. Cookies to be made and fun to be had. To watch a kid at Christmas is so fun because there is a magic to the season. We want that magic for every child.

What are your kids giving this year? Kids are automatically excited for Christmas. They look forward to telling Santa what they want for Christmas. They make sure their rooms are extra clean and they are extra good all month long. They want so many things it is hard to decide what to get them for Christmas. But, what are your kids GIVING this year?

Do they sort out the toys they don’t play with anymore to donate or better yet, do they pick out a new toy to give to a child in need? Christmas is about giving and getting both. Kids need to learn that it is just as fun to get a gift as it is to give one. If you don’t do this, please begin this as a tradition with your kids. Encourage your child to pick out something they would like to get as a gift to give to another child.  

We want to give gifts to our friends and family to show love. We want to give gifts to our children because we love them. What about the single mom who is barely making her bills? Her children deserve to know they are loved too. She WANTS to give gifts to her children, but she may not be able to. It is hard as a parent wanting to give to your child but not being able to. The single mom is worried not only about being able to pay the bills but also being able to give gifts to her children.

Take this time of year as a parent to teach about giving to others. Teach them about giving without expecting anything in return.  This lesson needs to be taught all year round. Christmas is not the only time of year to give. People struggle all year long.  Kids need to learn that life isn’t about getting stuff. It is about helping others in any way we are able.

This also may be a reminder for us adults too. Do we need all the stuff on the list? Is having the newest of everything really that important? Can we just be content with what we have and help others around us instead?

Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of if the season the true meaning gets lost. It isn’t about Santa coming to bring you gifts or getting more stuff. It is about a little baby named Jesus being a gift to the whole world. God sent us the perfect gift of salvation in the form of a baby, his son would save us from sin once and for all. That is a gift that will last into eternity.

What Are Your Little Turkeys Thankful For?

What Are Your Little Turkeys Thankful For?

I have been asking the kiddos in my life this question or the last few weeks. I get some very fun answers! On the cute side I get one little girl who is thankful for kittens. On the serious side I get things like God, family, friends, food, a new house, and so on.

One of the reasons I love working with kids is because of their innocence and the way they look at life. They see things in such a simple way. They look at the things around them and see what they have and count it as something to be thankful for.

One of my kiddos explained to me, in his family they each have a jar with their name on it. Each day they write on a piece of paper something they are thankful for and put it in the jar. Then on Thanksgiving they as a family are going to sit down and read what each other put in their jars.

One of the things I noticed when I asked the kids what they are thankful for was what they DIDN’T tell me. They didn’t say anything about stuff! They didn’t say video games or the newest toy. This shows to me that my little group of second graders in my Sunday School class have their priorities in line. They are thankful for what they have.

Now as we celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas think about what you as an adult are thankful for. Are you thankful for the same things as the young but mature kids? Are you thankful for your family, your friends, a house, clothes, food, a job, all the things God has blessed you with? What would you put in your jar?

Are you thankful for your kids? Do they know that you are? Yes, as a parent or caregiver your kids drive you crazy! But, do you tell them that they drive you crazy as much as you tell them that you are thankful for them? What about the rest of your family? Do you tell them that you are thankful for them? And not just at Thanksgiving or Christmas?

I am sure that many of you tell your kids that you love them regularly. But, one of the things I have learned in working with families is that not all kids do not get told regularly that they are loved. This holiday season let’s start a new tradition. Making sure that those who are in our lives all year long know they are loved and we are thankful for them. Just as my second graders know they are thankful for their families and friends, we as adults need to know the same thing.

Being the One Woman Show of Single Motherhood

Being the one Woman Show of Single Motherhood

Being a single mom seems to be more common than ever. Single moms struggle through their day and juggle many different things all at once. They are constantly busy with trying to keep everything going the way it should. There are so many things that are not in your control as a parent. Then adding the fact that you are parenting alone can make like down right difficult and stressful, or just out right chaos.

Your life feels like a circus and you are the ring master. You are trying to keep everything in control. In one ring you have your job, which for some women is not the best. The next ring you are trying to keep things together at home. Making sure the house work is done and the bills get paid. Of course, this is all on you because you are the only adult in the situation. Hopefully you have some helpful children who are old enough to help you with some of the chores around the house. Your other ring is your children, no matter if you have been a single mom for a short time or many years your kids are your focus. You worry about their education, health, peers, whether you are getting through to them and raising them to be responsible adults. The list seems endless.

It is hard for anyone to reach out for help, but for many single moms it is downright difficult. Single moms may have limited resources, or may not trust very many people. They have a hard time trusting because of past hurt not only for themselves but their children too. Also, for many single moms when they get to the point of having to reach out for help part of them feels like they have failed as a parent because they have to admit they can’t do it all. Sometimes single moms can’t do it all and that is okay.

I spent some time interviewing three single moms in various stages of being single moms. In my conversations with my three single mom friends they tell me some consistent things they struggle with. They all agree being both parents to their children is very difficult and stressful. Two of the moms I talked to have teen boys and they express needing a dad there to help with “guy stuff” like shaving, dating, and other issues that moms have a hard time relating to. Thankfully, these ladies have men in the lives of their children who have stepped in to assist when they need the help.

What I have seen with the girls I work with as a therapist, they struggle with feeling accept by men. These girls usually have an uncle or grandpa or step dad who can step in and do these things for them but for many girls it doesn’t feel the same. Single moms see their girls hurting and want to protect them. They also may have been raised by a single mom and the feelings they had when they were children come back in these situations. To some single moms it feels like they are reliving their childhood all over again through their children and experiencing the hurt all over again.

Another issue that was brought up was when having more than one child, spending time one on one with your children and finding something for the other child to do while you spend time with just one. Kids need that individual attention and being a single mom and being able to provide that can become a big challenge. One of the moms I talked to expressed feeling “guilty” for spending time with one child while the other may be doing something they really don’t want to be doing.

The next issue that was brought up by all three moms was protecting their children from getting hurt. And, in the case of being a single mom, many times it is a matter of protecting your children from their other parent. A mom wants nothing more than keeping their child safe from harm and many times that harm can come from the child’s father. In the conversations I had, I talked to my single mom friends about was trying to keep your child from getting hurt. As a single mom, it is all placed on you to protect your children. Part of this is encouraging your child to be open with you about hurts they may have.

Making decisions for your child on your own can be one of the most stressful things. What do you do when they are sick or hurt? How do I handle when they misbehave? The moms I talked to struggle with not having another person there to bounce things off from. They miss having someone there to tag team things and help with these issues. The thing single moms need to remember is they need to go with their gut, and need to trust their decision-making abilities.

These ladies shared with me some very wise advice about being single moms. Do not beat yourself up. All parents make mistakes. It will be okay. Take time for yourself and do not feel guilty about it. Do your best as a parent. There is no perfect parent and there is no perfect child. The dishes will always be there, your kids will not.

Also, as a child therapist I see children from single parent homes all the time. Please do not be afraid to reach out for help. There are resources out there for when things get hard. There are single mom support groups. There are other single moms who have gone through some of the same things as you have. You are not alone. You need to build your support system with people who can help you and be a positive asset to your team. You and your children both deserve the best and do not be afraid to ask for the best help when you need it and no matter how many times you need, do not be afraid to reach out  for help.   

A New Bundle of Joy

A New Bundle of Joy

 

New babies are a welcome addition to the family and bring lots of excitement. No matter how much you plan and how much support you have when that new little bundle of joy comes, having a new baby in the family is a huge adjustment. It means changes to routines and what happens in the household. It means changes for older siblings as well. Who takes care of them, and how.  

When a new sibling is added to the family, the older sibling usually feels left out or neglected in some way. This usually ends in hurt feelings and tears or temper tantrums. We have all heard stories of how an older sibling reacts to having a new brother or sister. Some of it is cute and picture worthy. Some of it not so much. Sometimes it can be very frustrating to parents and other caregivers.

Parents are constantly worried about the baby being woken up or in some other way disturbed. Older siblings become jealous or hurt because taking care of a new baby takes lots of mom and dad’s time. They usually feel left out in many ways. They may try to find ways of getting attention either positive or negative from mom and dad, their behaviors will change, and many times not for the positive. There will be things like older siblings doing naughty things when you are busy with baby to see if you notice. There may be anger or frustration, or meltdowns and tears from kids and adults!

So, how do parents help make this transition better? For starters, acknowledge your older child’s feelings. Saying things like “I can see you are upset.” “Do you want to talk about it?” Try not to get to frustrated with your child. They are just learning how to express their feelings and may not be aware of how they are feeling or how to label it. Sending time with older siblings as you are able, even just a few minutes to read a story or play a game. Get older siblings involved in caring for baby or being a “big helper.” Let older siblings feed baby, or hold baby, or help in some other way.

Also, setting boundaries with older siblings as to how to treat their new little brother or sister. Try not to yell or get angry. Calmly talk about being careful with baby as to not hurt them. Start having these talks before baby even arrives. There are many helpful children’s books on being a big brother or big sister.  Check your local bookstore or Amazon for some good ones. Even getting a baby doll and practicing with to learn to be big brother or sister how to care for baby nicely.  Young children learn through play so they can learn to be a good big brother or sister.

Involving the big brother or sister in decisions like what color to paint the babies room, or a theme for the baby’s room, let them pick out a gift for the baby. Talk about ways they can be helpful around the house. Give them “jobs” to do to help them feel included. Praise them for their efforts in helping, and thank them for their efforts. Make it a big deal if need be.

Some children may regress developmentally. Children who have been potty trained may regress and go back to diapers. They may take their baby brother or sister’s pacifier to use for themselves. It will be okay. They will go back to where they were. Most of the time when this happens it is to get some attention from mom or dad.

Be sure to use your supports not only for caring for baby, but also for helping with your older children. Having grandma, grandpa, auntie, or uncle there to help with other siblings can give a tired mom and dad some relief.  

If you are one of these supports try to make yourself available and be aware of what is going on. Call and check on them. Bring over a meal. Offer to help baby sit or help with housework to help the overwhelmed parents. Take older siblings for a fun activity to give a break to them and their parents.

It will be a few months of adjusting and setting a new “normal.” It will be okay. Try to have patience and know that the situation is temporary. Your kids will all adjust and so will you. New things in life always take time to get used to a new “normal.”  Soon everyone will fall into a new routine with baby, siblings, and mom and dad all together.

Help!...My Child Needs Help!

Help!...My Child Needs Help!

 

Does your child or teen seem to be withdrawn? Are they acting out? Do they seem angry and you are not sure why, or maybe you do? Has there been changes in their lives or in the life of your family? Does your child or teen seem to be struggling for no apparent reason? Are your child’s friends not the best? Are their school grades dropping?

If you answered yes to any of these questions or all of them it may be time to seek professional help for your child or teen. I know this is something that is scary for a parent because you feel helpless and you want your child to feel “better.”  

Trying to find the right help can be a challenge. Finding a therapist that can work with you and your child is the first thing. What is the therapist’s background? Do they understand and have experience with children and teens? How often can your child see them? Therapy needs to be consistent for it to be helpful.

Is the therapist’s office inviting for children and teens? Some things I do to make my office “kid friendly” is it is intently decorated to draw kids in, but, it is also to be therapeutic. I have a couch with stuffed animals on it for holding while we talk. My office is set up for play and art therapy. The biggest thing I have is a snack bucket. I fill it with healthy snacks, pretzels, Goldfish crackers, granola bars. It is hard to talk to a hungry kid.

So, how do you begin your search for a therapist? Ask your child’s doctor, talk to the school counselor, ask friends, talk to your pastor. They will have ideas and places to check out. Call more than one therapist. Ask them questions. This is your child’s mental health. It is as important as their physical health. You should feel that your child’s therapist makes your child a priority and your child should feel comfortable with them because the things they need to talk about is scary. They need to feel they can trust their therapist and you as a parent need to know that your therapist is going to work with you as the parent. If you do not get this feeling then keep looking. Do not settle for the first person you come across.

Who is in Your Tribe?

Who is in Your Tribe?

Who is in your tribe? Who do you trust? Who is part of your inner circle of friends? Who can you call in the middle of the night for help? Who can keep you accountable? Who will keep your secrets? Who do you trust with your life or better yet the lives of your children?

For some people these questions are easy to answer. They can list off a handful of people who have their backs no matter what. These are the people you call in case of an emergency. They can give you advice and guide and direct you even if it isn’t what you want to hear. They speak out of love for you.

For some people who is in your tribe may be more difficult. For some there may only be one or two people in their lives who are trustworthy. Their reasons can be a wide variety and can be very valid. They or their children by have been hurt badly by someone close to them. So to protect themselves they have learned to keep people at a distance.

So how do we determine who we let close to us? Some say family, which if you are lucky to have a close family then that is awesome. I am in that category that I know I can call family members and they will jump in and help no matter what. If you are blessed like me that is great! Then we have friends who have become like family. We trust them with a key to our houses, put them on the pick-up list for our kids at school, call in an emergency and you know that they will be there.

We have these people in our lives that began as friends and have proven themselves over and over that they can be trusted and are there to help with anything. They are not fare weather friends. They have been with you through some of the hardest parts of your life. The true test of friendship is what they do when there is a crisis either in your life or theirs.  Do they try to help, or do they leave or back off when you needed them the most?

How do we as adults help kids figure out who is in their tribe? Are their friends someone that you trust as a parent? Do their friends get them in trouble or do they behave and make your child a better person? How well do they get along? Do they fight all the time, or do they get along and play well together for the most part? Little arguments and misunderstandings are normal.

What do we do when we let someone into our tribe and then we find out that maybe we shouldn’t have? How do we get them out of tribe?  There will most likely be an event or string of events that take place that this friend will show who they really are. An argument, a crisis, boundaries that are repeatedly crossed. That feeling of being used over and over.

You may have to distance yourself from them. This can be a painful process. It is a break up of a relationship. You have invested time, energy, and other resources into this relationship. All kinds of negative feelings come along with this process. You may need to take them off your Facebook or other social media. You may have an awkward run in someplace public like the store. How do you handle this situation? Do you ignore them? Do you say hello? Do you walk the other way?

We need to be very aware of who we let close to us and our families. We need to listen to our gut and be aware of “red flags” that may come up. Try to address issues like boundaries being crossed as they come up. Yes, friends will argue and disagree. But true friends have your back and your best interests at heart.

What “red flags” are we looking for? Do they cross your boundaries repeatedly? Do they take a lot of your time and energy? Are they someone what takes the fun out of the relationship? Do they just want to complain and not change? Do you feel like you are being used for things like your time, energy, money, out of convivence?  If you have answered yes to these questions, then you may have to distance yourself from this person. And yes, these things can apply to your family members as well.

When you look at your tribe make sure that the ones who are in it are there for you and you are there for them. Friendship is a two-way street. If you enjoy their company and can spend lots of time with them and feel like you can trust them then they are safe people for you. But, do not rush this process! Do not let someone in your tribe after only a few times of hanging out together! These kinds of friendships take time to develop.