Being the One Woman Show of Single Motherhood

Being the one Woman Show of Single Motherhood

Being a single mom seems to be more common than ever. Single moms struggle through their day and juggle many different things all at once. They are constantly busy with trying to keep everything going the way it should. There are so many things that are not in your control as a parent. Then adding the fact that you are parenting alone can make like down right difficult and stressful, or just out right chaos.

Your life feels like a circus and you are the ring master. You are trying to keep everything in control. In one ring you have your job, which for some women is not the best. The next ring you are trying to keep things together at home. Making sure the house work is done and the bills get paid. Of course, this is all on you because you are the only adult in the situation. Hopefully you have some helpful children who are old enough to help you with some of the chores around the house. Your other ring is your children, no matter if you have been a single mom for a short time or many years your kids are your focus. You worry about their education, health, peers, whether you are getting through to them and raising them to be responsible adults. The list seems endless.

It is hard for anyone to reach out for help, but for many single moms it is downright difficult. Single moms may have limited resources, or may not trust very many people. They have a hard time trusting because of past hurt not only for themselves but their children too. Also, for many single moms when they get to the point of having to reach out for help part of them feels like they have failed as a parent because they have to admit they can’t do it all. Sometimes single moms can’t do it all and that is okay.

I spent some time interviewing three single moms in various stages of being single moms. In my conversations with my three single mom friends they tell me some consistent things they struggle with. They all agree being both parents to their children is very difficult and stressful. Two of the moms I talked to have teen boys and they express needing a dad there to help with “guy stuff” like shaving, dating, and other issues that moms have a hard time relating to. Thankfully, these ladies have men in the lives of their children who have stepped in to assist when they need the help.

What I have seen with the girls I work with as a therapist, they struggle with feeling accept by men. These girls usually have an uncle or grandpa or step dad who can step in and do these things for them but for many girls it doesn’t feel the same. Single moms see their girls hurting and want to protect them. They also may have been raised by a single mom and the feelings they had when they were children come back in these situations. To some single moms it feels like they are reliving their childhood all over again through their children and experiencing the hurt all over again.

Another issue that was brought up was when having more than one child, spending time one on one with your children and finding something for the other child to do while you spend time with just one. Kids need that individual attention and being a single mom and being able to provide that can become a big challenge. One of the moms I talked to expressed feeling “guilty” for spending time with one child while the other may be doing something they really don’t want to be doing.

The next issue that was brought up by all three moms was protecting their children from getting hurt. And, in the case of being a single mom, many times it is a matter of protecting your children from their other parent. A mom wants nothing more than keeping their child safe from harm and many times that harm can come from the child’s father. In the conversations I had, I talked to my single mom friends about was trying to keep your child from getting hurt. As a single mom, it is all placed on you to protect your children. Part of this is encouraging your child to be open with you about hurts they may have.

Making decisions for your child on your own can be one of the most stressful things. What do you do when they are sick or hurt? How do I handle when they misbehave? The moms I talked to struggle with not having another person there to bounce things off from. They miss having someone there to tag team things and help with these issues. The thing single moms need to remember is they need to go with their gut, and need to trust their decision-making abilities.

These ladies shared with me some very wise advice about being single moms. Do not beat yourself up. All parents make mistakes. It will be okay. Take time for yourself and do not feel guilty about it. Do your best as a parent. There is no perfect parent and there is no perfect child. The dishes will always be there, your kids will not.

Also, as a child therapist I see children from single parent homes all the time. Please do not be afraid to reach out for help. There are resources out there for when things get hard. There are single mom support groups. There are other single moms who have gone through some of the same things as you have. You are not alone. You need to build your support system with people who can help you and be a positive asset to your team. You and your children both deserve the best and do not be afraid to ask for the best help when you need it and no matter how many times you need, do not be afraid to reach out  for help.