Being an Only Can Be Lonely

Being and Only Can Be Lonely

I grew up an only child. Yes, there were times it was great to have all my toys and stuff to myself. It was nice to not have to share. But, there were draw backs too.  Being an only child can be a very lonely thing. Having a sibling to play with or do things with was something I missed and still do. I have many friends and cousins to do things with and we treat each other like siblings.

Only children have a stereo type of being selfish, not willing to share, being spoiled, they want their own way, and so on. Only children who are raised like this have many problems as they grow up and become adults. They have a hard time working out issues with peers, they may have a hard time maintaining relationships, they struggle to look beyond themselves. They don’t understand why someone may be upset with something they did, and they have no idea how to make it right or what the issue even is.

Now there are some positive things from being an only child. Usually only children are very independent. Only children tend to be more mature then their peers. They also are used to talking with adults, so when they interact with a peer they may struggle with their peer’s lack of maturity. Only children tend to be closer to their parents because that is who they spend most of their time with. They can do things on their own and it doesn’t bother them, but on the other side of this is they can also be lonely. It is hard for them to reach out to others.  

My parents raised me in a way that I was taught to share and have proper social skills. I have many cousins who are around my age and we were raised like siblings. We would play, fight, and tease each other, but if you messed with one of us, oh man!  We have each other’s backs. We are still close to this day as adults. We hang out as friends and look forward to spending time together.

So as a parent of an only child, how do you help your child not be the “typical” only child? Well, let them have friends, cousins, and other peers to interact with. Get them involved in activities with their peers. Teach them to be independent. Help them to learn the proper way to resolve conflicts and to not be “bossy.” Basically, how to be a good friend. Teach them that it is okay to share with others and when it is appropriate to do so.

Sometimes kids want friends so bad that they are willing to give things away to make sure they have a friend. With the wrong peer this could be a big problem. Only children struggle with being bullied and being bullies both. They can come across as “bossy” and therefore turn their peers away with this behavior. This needs to be corrected too.

Also, allow your kids when they argue with a friend or peer let them try to resolve the problem themselves. This helps them to learn proper peer conflict resolution. This will help them as adults. They also need to work as a team and work with others no matter who they are.

Being an only child is not an easy gig. Sure, there are benefits, but it can still be lonely. Also, try to not put the “typical” stereotypes on an only child. Not all only children are “typical.” Many know how to make and maintain proper friendships.   Keep this in mind with your child makes friends with an only child.

Run to the Safe People

Run to the Safe People

As a child therapist I hear all the time that kids are scared to go to school. Usually it is because they are being bullied or picked on. They don’t want to go to school because the bullies are being mean. Why should one child have that much control over another child? I was bullied in school as a child. I learned to stand up for myself, so the bullies would leave me alone! Sometimes is worked sometimes it didn’t.

Now I kids are afraid to go to school for another reason. They are afraid someone is going to hurt them or shoot them! The schools do lockdown drills, so kids know what to do if there is an “active shooter” in the building. WHAT!!!! How has our world come to this that people think this is okay? That they are so angry with the world they would want to kill another person and children.

We can blame whoever we want, video games, bad parenting, violence on television, politicians or who ever else we can! The person who’s fault this is, is the person with the gun! They are the bad guy!!! Do you remember when the “good guys” would take out the “bad guys” and protect the innocent? Well, this needs to be put back into place! Kids and teachers need to feel safe going to school again!

We in American, have the right to bare arms. Many generations of military fought for this right! We have the right to protect the innocent from the “bad guys.” If there is an active shooter then the people who have taken the proper steps to be able to carry a gun should be able to use it! That is why they have it, for protection!

I talk to many home schooling families and one reason they give for home schooling their children is to protect them. Do you blame them? Seriously! Kids need to feel safe at school and right now many children do not feel safe!

Instead of teaching children to run away from the police, teach them to go to the police for help! That is why the police are there, to help! Police officers are painted as the “bad guys.” Now, yes there are some police officers that do not do their job right, but does this mean we put them all in this category? NO!

Police officers put their lives on the line every day to help keep us safe, and what do they get in return? They get yelled at, cursed at, assaulted, blamed, and trash talked! All for little pay and they take time away from their families to do all of this! AND, their families worry whether their loved one will come home in one piece or not!

When I talk to children about “safe people” we talk about police officers. I want children to understand that police officers are there to keep them safe from the “bad guys.” My dad was a police officer when I was a kid. He was a good police officer! All my friends knew he was a safe person. He would come to my school and talk to my classmates, so they knew he cared about them! He would hand out candy on Halloween to kids, so they knew police officers cared about them!

We need to go back to where the “good guys” can protect the innocent from the “bad guys.” We need to go back to a time when the “bad guys” got in trouble for their actions and not just dismissed with an attitude of “don’t do that again!” Let the “good guys” do their job so our kids can feel safe at school again!!

Happy Little Helpers

Happy Little Helpers

When should children begin helping with chores and house work? I have been asked this question by many parents. Kids as young as two or three can help do chores or help with things around the house. Yes, I know kids don’t “like” to clean, but it is part of learning to be a responsible person. They can learn to clean up after themselves.

So, the next question is, what chores are appropriate for my child? For small children, they can help with putting toys away, cleaning their room, dusting, making their bed, children of any age can do simple chores. As children get older they can help with things like washing dishes, loading the dishwasher, helping with meal prep, setting the table, checking the mail, and laundry just to give some ideas.

What if my kid complains about doing chores? Well, there could be a reward system involved. Like they get paid per chore, or a set amount for the week and then extra if chores that are extra are done. So, what to do if your child complains or refuses to do their chores? Take away their money, they could pay you to do their chore since it isn’t being done, or they could loose a privilege like electronics if the refuse to do chores and they don’t get it back until the chores are done. There could also be a rule that no fun stuff like electronics until chores are done.

What about little ones? Make cleaning up a game. See how fast it can get done, or we can go play outside if we clean up or sing a song to get the clean up done. Make sure to give some sort of warning a few minutes before cleaning up so that hopefully it will go smoother.

How many chores should children do in a day or week? Well, have set chores they are to do every day and then also for the week. You could even have a certain day of the week the chore gets done. For example, laundry might be a weekend chore.

Why is it important for children do learn to help around the house? Well, for one as adults they need to learn to do their own laundry, or cook for themselves, and so on. Also, children need to learn to be responsible for their things. Hopefully, when children learn to help around the house that some of the chores that moms and dads did will be able to have some help, so they are not being all done by one person.

Paying children for doing chores can be a good thing if done right. It teaches children to work for what they want. When they get paid for the chores then they can spend their own money on things like want like treats or toys. It also teaches them to be responsible with money. If your child wants a more expensive item, then it teaches them to save for it. If they spend all their money on junk, then want something more expensive they would need to learn to save for that item.

Children learning to do chores and cleaning up after themselves is part of growing up to be a responsible person. It also teaches them to take care of their own stuff. This is also important to learn as children grow up. So, when mom or dad says pick up your toys then they will understand the value of their belongings, hopefully.

Can I Ever Do Anything Right?

Can I Ever Do Anything Right?

Can I ever do anything right? Children ask this question to themselves so many times in their life time. Some more than others. Kids who constantly have behavior problems feel like they are always in trouble. They are always being corrected for their behavior and sometimes this is very needed. Some children need more reminders then others. They feel like they are always being watched. But, what do they hear when they FINALLY do something right? Do they hear praises for their right choices? Some don’t.

I have worked with many difficult children and teens in my career of working with children in a variety of ways. Kids that are the hardest to love are often the ones who need it most. They need to know that they do something well or right! What happens if this doesn’t happen for them? They begin to care less and less about life. They struggle with things like anxiety, depression, anger, resentment, and so on.

Every kid needs to hear things like, “nice job,” “you are awesome,” or even “I love you!” Many kids don’t hear these positive statements. When kids do something that they are changing they need to hear feedback that they are doing good! If they don’t hear these things, then they will not want to keep that change in their lives because they will not see a point.

Sometimes these kids who struggle they often feel like they can’t do anything right. They often feel like they have a target on their backs or they have been labeled the “bad kid.” This may come from school, friends, teachers, or other adults. To them they are honestly trying, and they know that what they do is wrong. They just struggle when making the right choice. Some days are better than others.

How do we handle these kids who really struggle with making good choices? We help them work through why their choice was wrong and how to fix it. Helping them learn from their mistakes and move on.

We as adults seem to think that kids are expected to know how to behave all the time and kids should just know how to behave. This is so far from the truth. They are kids! Then add things like trauma and learning issues and that makes it harder. Kids learn to behave by having consistent rules and expectations. Some children do not have this in their home. This adds another part into their behavior.

As a caregiver you need to be the adult and meet this child where they are, not where YOU want them to be. As an adult there may be things that you let slide as long as they don’t hurt themselves or others. Sometimes it is a matter of picking your battles.   Keep this in mind when correcting these kiddos that just don’t seem to get it sometimes!

The bottom line is that kids want to be loved and cared for. Some kids need this more than others. Help kids feel better about themselves by offering speaking positive things in their lives. Remember for every negative thing a child hears they need to hear three positives to cancel it out. Just imagine how it feels to hear nothing but negative. Put yourself in that child’s shoes. How would you feel if all you heard was negative? Now take that thought and go be a positive influence in a negative world.