The Brady Bunch Isn't Real

The Brady Bunch Isn’t Real

Blending a family is no easy job from any side. You are trying to blend two different households into one. Not only are you as the parents combining your stuff, money, and every other part of your life you are asking your kids to live with people they may or may not like.  This isn’t easy! Your kids did not ask to be put in this situation.

Most of the time kids are still coping with their parents’ divorce. They are grieving and hurting. Then you as their parent put them into a situation they really don’t want to be in most of the time. So, what can you do as a parent?

For starters, listen to your kids! You are still their parent and you need to be their parent.  Make time for them.  No matter their age this is not easy for them. They are trying to figure out who is going to be there and help them. There are different rules at each parents’ home. This is hard for kids sometimes. They have to adjust each time they come back to you.

Before you remarry, you as the parent need to talk with your children about what is going to happen and be willing to listen to what they have to say. Try to be open to their feelings whether they are good or not. Their feelings are theirs to have. Talk to your children about your new spouse’s children to see how they feel about them. Are they okay with them or not? Let your kids be honest, because if they try to pretend or fake it, it won’t end well!

As a step parent, give your step kids or bonus kids time to get to know you. This for some children could take a while. They may never fully accept you, but understand they have their own baggage that comes along with them. They are hurting and probably very confused. Don’t try to take the place of their parent. Because if you try, you will hear something like, “you are not my mom!” or “You can’t tell me what to do!” Every kid with a step parent has at least thought it if not actually said it out loud at least once.

You are forming a new family so try to help everyone feel included. How is this done? Well, family activities, dinner, movies, game night, vacations, hang out nights, you get the idea. It isn’t a magic cure but it is a start. Know that there will be some rebellion from your kids and your spouse’s kids. This is normal. Don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Learn to communicate as a family. Try to make sure the kids get one on one time with their parent so they have a chance to connect and talk if they need.

Realize as a step parent it is hard for kids to accept you as an authority figure. Let their parent discipline their child as much as possible. Let the parent establish rules with you. Don’t do it alone as the step parent.  For some kids it may take a while to get used to you as the step parent being in authority over them. Work out with your spouse how you are going to handle this. Be clear with the kids that together you will make decisions. Kids need to learn the boundaries and expectations of the step parent. This takes time and kids won’t usually get it the first time. Try to have patience with them.

Blending a family in real life is hard work. It takes work on a daily basis to get things to fit together. Understand that it takes time and it doesn’t have to be perfect. You are not a perfect parent or step parent. Admit when you have made a mistake and move on. Kids just want to know they are loved and they belong in the family.

Be Your Child's Voice

Be Your Child's Voice

As a parent you want to be there for your child. You want to help them and support them in any way you can, but, you can’t be there all the time. Do you ever feel like your child isn’t being heard by someone, or multiple people? Do you see your child struggle to communicate their needs and frustrations?

 Part of helping a child is to help them find their voice. I know, I know, they in many ways have found their voice and sometimes don’t know when to stop! But, in this case, what I mean is this; helping your child be able to in a respectful manner explain what they need or how they feel. They need help to not be afraid to speak for themselves. This applies to anyone who your child may come in contact with, a teacher, an adult, a peer, friend, or someone else. Help your child have the confidence to speak for themselves.

 How is this done? Well, for starters setting an example. If you as an adult can set a positive example, by listening to your child when they need to be heard this is a good start. In addition to, if you as the adult can set the example of how to talk about an issue or conflict in a healthy manner this also helps your child.

 Also, being there when your child needs to talk to someone they may feel intimidated by is another. If your child needs to talk to a teacher or another adult in authority and they are nervous, be there for them. If you can’t be there physically at least being there emotionally. Help them with the words to say and the way to say it. Help them practice their words. Role play what they may say to the person your child needs to talk to.

 Also, be available when things don’t go as your child hoped. Help them process what happened and what could have been different. If your child’s needs are still not being met, then you as the parent most likely will need to step in and be your child’s voice.  Speak on behalf of your child. This may need to be done with your child there or not. Ask your child if they would like you to help them talk to someone who they may not be comfortable talking to.

 Go your child’s meetings. Speak up to others who may not understand your child. Help them understand your child’s needs, frustrations, and wants. Also, be able to listen to what they say back to you. Remember that teachers and other school professionals have your child the majority of the day. They may be aware of things you are not.

 If your child is too young, then of course you are their voice. Don’t be afraid to speak up for your child and what their needs are. Some professionals may look down on parents because they are young and don’t have experience. Don’t let this stop you. Many young parents feel intimidated by doctors and other professionals because they are young and feel judged. If you are a new parent or a young parent don’t be afraid to ask for help. Reach out to other parents who may have gone through something similar.  

 Being someone’s voice is one of the most important things you can do for someone. It is even more important when it is your child. Teaching your child to use their voice is one of the best things you can teach a child. But, so is being their voice when they are not able to be. Help your child see that they are important because someone is willing to stick up for them when they need them to.

As a helping professional, it is my responsibility to teach children to use their voice as well be their voice when they cannot. Sometimes this involves advocating for them with someone as close to them as their parent or another family member. I take this part of my job as very important and needed. Children need an adult they can trust to speak on their behalf when they cannot.

Back to School, Back to Reality!

Back to School, Back to Reality!

It is that time of year again. School supplies are being purchased. Classrooms are being set up. Teachers are preparing for a new year with new students. Students are picking out clothes and backpacks. Parents are grateful school will start soon. Students, not so much! They have enjoyed sleeping in, playing all day, and just doing nothing. Are your kids ready?

For some students school is not so much fun for many different reasons. Some kids really dread school. There are many reasons, bullies, learning issues, lack of friends, “mean” teachers, homework and school work that frustrate them. These students may need a different kind of preparing. They find school stressful for many reasons. Of course we all know about the issue of bullies. So, how can parents, teachers, and other caregivers help these students?

We can help by for starters listening to them. Listen when they have a good day or a not so good day. Help them see the positives in their day. Many times we focus on the negatives in the day and not on the good stuff that happens. What did you have for lunch? What did you do at recess? Your friend was nice and helped you out today, great!

Also, help be an advocate for your student. Help them by giving a voice to the things that are bothering them, either, teach them to be their own voice or step in and help when they need it. Kids need to know they have grown up friends and helpers who are willing to step in when they need help. Maybe just listening when they have had a rough day or helping with homework that is really hard for them.

For older students and teens, don’t be afraid to monitor their social media and cell phones. Now, do this with them standing there with you. Go through their texts and Facebook to see who they are talking to. Help them to understand that, one you are watching and aware, and two you are watching out for others who may want to do your teen harm. Yes they will argue with you and say that you are invading their privacy. You are being their parent! Yes, they need privacy, but they also need to know they are being held accountable. This will hopefully weed out the trouble making kids in your child’s life.

Talk openly with your student about their friends and what they do with them in school and outside of school. This shows that not only do you care about them but their friends too. Talk to your kids about their struggles and why they struggle. Your child may be a straight “A” student, but they really struggle with making friends. They may be totally flunking out of school and struggling with how they feel about themselves.

Be aware of your child’s friends and when they may come to you for help because their parent it not available. They have identified you as a safe person, be their advocate too. Be their voice. If you see them struggling talk to them. Invite your child’s friends to your home to hang out. If they need help with their homework, help them. Maybe they live in a single parent home and their parent works and struggles with helping to get homework finished. Make your home that safe home. Let them come hang out after school until their parent gets home.

Be aware of what is going on around you as a parent or caregiver. If you see a child in need of extra help, then be their helper. Share extra school supplies, snacks, and time. I know it seems like a lot sometimes, but in the end it means so much more to a kid who really needs to be heard!

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire...

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire…

None of us like to be lied to, especially when you are lied to by your child. Now, every kid goes through this phase at least once in their childhood. Kids lie for many different reasons. First, they want to see if they can get away with something. This could be a big something or a little something. Second, they lie to try to keep out of trouble. If your child has done something wrong most of the time they will try to lie to keep from getting in trouble, or try blaming someone or something else.

Yes some of these are cute and funny to a point. They may lie about taking a cookie from the cookie jar or who licked the Oreo filling out of the cookie and put it back. But what happens when it stops being cute and funny? What if it is a serious thing, like trying to cover up something like stealing or shoplifting? What if it is to cover up that they are being hurt by someone, or, if they have hurt someone else, then what?

 Well, lies have a way of coming out eventually. Some kids are really bad liars. And honestly, that is what you want as a parent, right? You want your child to be a bad liar so you catch them and you can punish them for their bad lie and they learn from it, at least for a while, right?

Now, what to do if your child doesn’t learn from their mistake? What if they are a good liar? Do you trust your kid again? How do you trust your kid again? Well, they have to rebuild trust with you. Also, you need to get to the bottom of why they are lying to begin with.  Is there a bigger problem going on? How can you tell your child is lying to you? Does their story change? Do the facts match their story?

When to call your kid out on their lie? Well, as soon as you figure out what they are up to. They need to learn that lying is not something to get into the habit of. It is a bad habit and it is something they need to understand is wrong. They need to understand that they will be in less trouble if they just come clean and tell the truth then to lie about something.

How do you as a parent punish a lying child? It depends on many things, age, and the lie, why they lied, and so on. Do you allow the lie to go on for a while to see if your child fesses up? This all depends on how you as a parent want to handle it. Is part of punishing your child having them apologizes to the person they lied to? It should be. They need to confess or acknowledge what they did and the lie they told. They need to see how lying to others effects their relationship with that person. I have seen some parents who have their child write out an apology to the person they lied to. I like this idea.

Children need to understand what happens when they lie. People are not so easy to trust someone when they are lied to. I tell kids all the time that I can’t help them if they choose to lie to me. I can’t trust what they are saying is true if they lie, or what the real problem is. Are they covering up something bad?

Lying is one of those habits that once it starts are very hard to stop. More and more lies get told in order to cover up the first thing being lied about. ­­­­So, as a parent helping to correct this lying habit is very important. Yes, you as a parent need to punish your child for lying. Your child needs to understand there are consequences for lying. Helping your child understand this is very important.

Your child will not get far in life if they lie their way through it. How will the make it through school, get a job, or be trusted by friends or family. If you and your child need help getting to the bottom of why your child feels the need to lie then it is time to seek professional help. There is a bigger problem in your child’s life that needs to be gotten to the bottom of.

Lying is not a good thing for you or your child. You want to be able to trust them and they want to be trusted. So, it needs to be worked out, no matter the age.

It Takes a Village

It Takes a Village

We have all heard the phrase, “It takes a Village.” This is very true on many different levels. As a parent you can’t do everything yourself and you can’t be all things to all people. Children and teens need a wide variety of helpers to get through life. They need to know there are others who can help them in a time when maybe for some reason their mom or dad cannot.

                As a parent you want to protect your child from harm and hurt. Part of that is helping your child or teen learn who they can trust in life. One thing I work on with children and teens to help them figure out who their support network is and who they can trust as we figure out who they can go to for help in many different places. So, for example if they are at school, or church, or with other supportive adults they can seek out when they need something.

                As parents it is okay to reach out for help and teach your children to do the same. Helping your child find those safe people is part of developing healthy relationships with others. So, in helping you as a parent and your child identify those “safe people” start talking about who is a safe person and why. What makes them a safe person?

                In the process of working with my clients as a child therapist I start asking my clients to identify who in their lives help them? Most of the time I get things like; mom, dad, aunts, uncles, siblings, grandparents, family friends, teachers, community members, and so on. Most of the time my clients can tell me who helps them and protects them, they know who is there for them and when. But it is a matter of helping them break down why they trust that person or go to that person for help.

                Then there is in some cases where a person who they once trusted is no longer there for whatever reason or a trusted person has done something to loose trust in the eyes of the child. For example leaving or abandoning them or hurting them in some way. This is part of the reason I help children find others who can help them then just one or two adults. It takes a village.

                So, as a trusted adult what are you doing to help other children and teens who need someone they can trust? You may be a stay at home mom (or dad) whose child has a friend who needs a place to hang out after school for a couple of hours. Why not your house? You could be helping out a single parent who may need an extra set of eyes, ears, or hands from time to time.

                You may be a teacher who makes it very clear to their students that you can be trusted and will help your students in any way you can. You may be a mentor or coach who has a child on your team who doesn’t have a dad. Do you have time to take that child fishing or to play at the park, or take them to dinner? You may have a neighbor who has lots of little ones and it struggling at Christmas. What can you do to help?

                Look around for ways to serve and help others. If everyone gave a little time, money, and help our world would be a much better place! Living in a small town and watching how people invest in each other and help each other is such a blessing to watch and be a part of. You don’t have to have lots of money to make an impact in a child’s life. Every boy needs an uncle and every girl needs an aunt. Join the village to make an impact.

Mean Girls

Mean Girls

When we hear the words “mean girls” we think of some snotty girl who is so mean and seems to just get away with it. Girls of all ages get bullied everyday day. They get called names, all kinds of names, stupid, ugly, dumb, slut, whore, you get the idea. One of the problems comes is technology. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, all play a part in this. The bully does not give up. They post things online and say things in person, or they get their target’s phone number and start texting. The girl being bullied can’t escape. They are even told things like “do everyone a favor and just die.”

Another problem is that kids don’t seem to respect others. They are being taught either by word or example that being mean is the only way to get things they want. This applies in many situations with kids and teens. They want something so they just take it or talk someone into giving it to them. If they hear the word “no” their world comes to an end!

Girls can be very cruel to each other. They play games like “if your friends with Suzy, you are not my friend.” Or, “I liked Johnny first, you can’t have him.” They say things like, “If you don’t do this, we can’t be friends.” They try to manipulate the situation to get what they want. They do not care if they hurt someone in the process.

                Girls play these types of games from the time they are young. They become mean and talk badly about others. Or they say things like “I don’t want to be your friend anymore.” Then the next day they are friends again. This is normal relationships with girls. But, what isn’t normal are girls who are constantly saying these things or are trying to tell other girls that it is okay to lie or other things that they know they shouldn’t do.

                They tell the girls who want to be friends with them that it is okay to lie, steal, and cheat in order to get what you want. They have learned this is how to get their needs met. Then they tell other girls to do the same. This is not okay for kids to do.

                What can parents do to help? Well, first be aware of who your daughter is friends with. Know these friends well. Know who their parents are. Talk to your daughter from an early age about what is appropriate in friendships. Help these girls know that they have value and worth and to not just be friends with someone just because they are popular.

                Girls with self-esteem issues are an easy target. The girls who are the bullies are aware of which girls they can target and try to control. Help your daughter feel good about who they are no matter what someone else may tell them. I know this is a big job! Girls today are just bombarded with all kinds of views of what is considered beautiful, and if someone doesn’t fit that mold then there is something wrong with them and some girls will do whatever it takes to fit in.

                Help your daughter have a healthy view of who she is. Help her see beyond the mirror and into herself. There is more to a beautiful girl then looks. Beauty is on the inside, intelligence, well rounded interests, self-confidence. These are things that make a girl beautiful.

                Now, what to do about those bullies who don’t seem to stop? Well, for starters teach your daughter that it is okay to stand up for herself. Teach them to use their voice. They can tell the girl or girls who are bullying them to stop. They can say things like they don’t want to be friends with them anymore and truly mean it. Teach your daughter to have boundaries in her relationships, all relationships.

                The girls who bully need to know that this is not an okay thing to do. They need to understand that hurting others is not something young ladies do to each other. Also, keep in mind that most likely that girl, who is bullying others, probably has someone in her life who is bullying her. This does not make it okay, mind you, but the truth of the matter is that these girls get it from somewhere.

                Our girls listen more than you think they do. They are aware of how their moms and other adult women she is around interact with others. She will see what these adults do and think that is okay to do, when really it isn’t. Also, women who say, things like, “that is not okay to talk that way to me, or my child,” see that standing up for yourself is important, and that you as her parent are there to protect her.   

                We need to teach our girls that it isn’t okay to bully or hurt others. We also need to teach them when this happens who they can go to for help and that they need to stand up for themselves. We also need to teach them to love themselves and care for others. Teaching girls their self-worth and value as a preventive cure will go much further in life then teaching girls that it is okay to gossip and bully others.