Trauma Brings Out the Drama

Trauma Brings Out the Drama

Childhood trauma is one of the hardest things to deal with as a child or an adult. When I say trauma what do you think of? Maybe abuse, illness, a death, divorce. Trauma is something that is a life altering event of which affects your day to day functioning.

Depending on the person trauma can affect them very differently. It depends on many variables. What types of supports does the person have? It also depends on the age of the child when the trauma happened. There are stages of child development that are more affected by trauma then others. It also depends on how long the trauma has happened.

So, what kinds of drama happen? Well, just about anything. Behavior issues like temper tantrums, acting out, being constantly fearful, learning issues, having a hard focusing, and so on. Some kids become withdrawn and very quiet. They may hide out in their room, not talk much, not wanting to do the things they used to like to do, and just over all seem bummed out.

Some kids who have experienced trauma have a hard time with boundaries. Some children don’t trust adults well so they are very cautious of who they trust and talk to. This includes hugging and other forms of physical touch. They are scared to be close to adults because adults have hurt them or not protected them. I always make sure to ask a kid if they want a hug before I hug them. It will take time for a child to trust an adult after they have been hurt. Try not to push them for force them.

Some kids go the other way with boundaries and they have none or very poor boundaries. They talk to whoever they want and hug and touch people in ways that can be very uncomfortable. They do not understand when you tell them not to do something or that they are making someone uncomfortable. Some kids just need to be taught what boundaries are and how to have them. This is usually what resolves this issue.

The reason that trauma brings out the drama is because someone who has had trauma, they become triggered and they just react and they go into survival mode. They are trying to protect themselves from being hurt again. It becomes a fight or flight reaction. Kids who do this may just have a meltdown about something that may seem so small, but to them is a really big deal.

How we help someone through this is very important. Their feelings need to be recognized and validated. Also, letting them sometimes just cry and let their feelings out is also important. They are hurt and upset, allow them to feel what they feel. Their feelings are not wrong. They are their feelings.

You are the adult or support person feel helpless because you just want to fix their hurt. You can’t make the hurt go away. You can be supportive and listen when they need to talk. Kids are also learning to regulate their feelings and so they need to be taught how to do this in a healthy way.

Also, part of the drama can be parents trying to protect their child from further trauma by setting boundaries with others who have had a part in the trauma. This can bring stress to you and your child, but understand this is part of dealing with boundaries, and protecting a vulnerable person. As the parent it is your job to keep your child safe from harm. Part of that protection is from mental and emotional harm.

Parents and other adults just want to protect their child who has experienced trauma. They want to make sure that their child is not hurt like that again. While this is a good idea and can be done, also remember that you can’t protect your child from everything. If your child has experienced trauma please make sure that you connect them with a child therapist who can help them deal with the trauma now so that hopefully by the time they are adults the trauma and triggers are much less.

  

For The Love of a Child

For the Love of a Child

Imagine just for a moment, you are a child again. Your parent is lying on the couch passed out. You try your hardest to come in the door and not wake them, because you know if you do you will get in trouble. You try to sneak into your room without being noticed. Your parent wakes up from their slumber and they see you. You just freeze and stand as still as you can. You hope and pray they just let you walk on by. But, no you are not so lucky. They begin to yell at you over the littlest of things. If you say anything back or even give a look you are at risk for getting hit.

If you have younger siblings you try your best to protect them from also being hurt. You feel helpless and hopeless. You are afraid to tell because you have in the past and have paid the price! You end up having to care for your siblings and you get blamed for their mistakes too.  

No child deserves to be hurt or hit. It doesn’t matter what they have done or not done. When an adult abuses a child, they are causing more then physical harm. They are causing emotional and mental harm as well. Physical hurt lasts a short time, but the mental and emotional scares last a life time and can carry into so many parts of an abused child’s life.

April is National Child Abuse Awareness Month. Part of my job is to keep children safe. I have seen first hand what abuse can do to a child. They are afraid all the time. They trust no one. They are so scared to talk that sometimes they do what ever they can to avoid talking about home or their abuser.

How can we help these children who are being hurt? Stand up for them! They don’t have a voice. They are scared and helpless. It is our job as caring adults to take a stand for children who are being hurt and abused or neglected.

How can you tell if a child may be the victim of abuse? Well, first if they tell you. They are telling you a big secret and they are trusting you with it that you will help them. Second, a fear of going home. If they child you are talking to never seems to want to go home or they make excuses to stay with you then that is a red flag.

If you see marks that are in the shape of something on their bodies, like a cord, finger or grip marks, lots of bruises in multiple stages of healing, or their story of the injury doesn’t match the injury. They are trying to cover up the story because they are scared.

When a child or teen comes to you to tell them of abuse, please I beg you, don’t tell them you will keep it a secret. You need to report it to the authorities immediately! If the parent is not the abuser then you need to talk with the parent to make them aware of the situation. If the child is afraid to tell their parent then figure out why they are scared. Try not to ask a lot of questions of the abuse. Get just enough information to know the situation then make a report to Child Protective Services and/or the police.

As someone who works with children it breaks my heart to think someone is purposely hurting a child. I take my job very seriously when it come to protecting and helping children. My client kiddos know if they tell me they are being hurt that I will help them the best way I can.

I am a mandated reporter, are you? If you work with children in some way then you are! This includes on a volunteer bases. This also includes pastors and clergy. Please take this seriously. A child’s life could be at stake! If you don’t know how to make a report then ask someone who you know is a mandated reporter. They can help you! You may be this child’s only way out of a bad situation.

Teen Substance Use and Trauma

Teen Substance Use and Trauma

We all know teens who have tried drugs or alcohol at one time or another. There are many reasons or theories as to why teens use drugs or alcohol or even try it to begin with. The reasons vary from peer pressure to a way to cope with life. Children or teens see their parent use alcohol or drugs as a way to cope with life stressors and so they believe this is normal. They are not taught there is different and better ways to deal with stress or life issues then using alcohol or drugs. Teens see the only way to deal with life is to use.  

Another major reason teens use alcohol or drugs is trauma. Trauma could mean different things. Trauma is when someone has a life altering crisis happen that effects how they view life around them. This could be something as drastic as sexual abuse or assault to a parents’ divorce or witnessing or experiencing some kind of violence. What many teens and adults try to do is use alcohol or drugs to cover up the negative feelings of the trauma they have experienced. It is a way to cope.

Why this it is such a problem of course is because then teens become addicted. Then they have another problem on top of the trauma. Some teens can go through one trauma or multiple and not have any drug or alcohol use issue. This I believe comes from having supports to help them through the trauma and deal with it in a healthy way. While other teens do not have these supports or resilience in order to not begin to use. There are many factors that play into this equation.

If they choose to use then they of course usually have more problems on top of the trauma. There are legal issues, school, peers, friends, family, and the list goes on. Teens who have experienced trauma want to hide the problem. They do not want to deal with the negative feelings. For some it is better to get high then to deal with the pain of the trauma.  They want to appear “normal” and fit in with their peers.

So as a parent how do you know if your child or teen has experienced a trauma or multiple traumas? Well or starters be aware of who they are spending time with. Try to have open communication with your child or teen. Explain to them at an early age what healthy coping skills are and what is not healthy. Remind your child or teen that drinking or using drugs is not a healthy way to cope with life’s problems. Help your child or teen healthy ways to deal with stress so when it comes they can at least try to deal with it in a healthy way.

Watch for signs of depression in your teens. Things to look for is if they are withdrawing more than normal, dropping grades, change in sleep or eating patterns, withdrawing from friends. If there are major life events going on in your family or in your teen’s life be aware of how these things, like a divorce are effecting your children and teens.

Things like divorce last longer than the initial break up and divorce. There are still stressors, many of them ongoing for a while after the divorce. Be aware of what is happening when they are with their other parent. Children or teens that have been through a divorce have to deal with blended families, holidays, school and life events, and can sense tension between their parents. This causes great stress for these children and teens. 

This is true of other traumas too. There is the initial traumatic event, but the effects can last for years to come if not for a life time. To best help your child or teen is to help them deal with the trauma they have experienced in a healthy way. This would be done by getting mental health services, talking about feelings, acknowledging the issue and problem solving. Starting this from the beginning of the traumatic event will hopefully help your child or teen learn to cope with stress the right way.

If this is not done, if a child or teen is not allowed to express themselves or given a chance to talk things out, then they are more likely to turn to using substances to deal with way they feel. They see using substances as a way to numb or forget the problem. The problem is of course is still there. It doesn’t go away. Then the teen tries harder and harder to forget the problem. So they use more and more. It becomes a cycle.

Also, remember your teen is watching the adults around them to see how they handle life’s problems. So, parents do you drink when you are stressed? Do you drink around your children or teen? Do you talk about drugs and alcohol use to your children? How old do you start these talks? Live by example with your children. 

Part of helping a teen with substance use issues is getting to the bottom of the problem. Why they use. For many teens this is painful because they have buried it for so long. So, how do we help these teens?

Well, for starters we help them figure out why they use to begin with. There is a reason they are using. Then helping them deal with that reason or reasons, and then helping the teen learn new, healthier ways of coping with stress and life in general. They will most likely need help with finding new supports, friends, job, school, and so on. Hopefully this can all be done before they get into too much trouble with courts, school or other authorities.

But, sadly for many teens they have been using longer than their parents realize. They have become addicted and need serious help to overcome their drug use issue.  This will involve lots of supports and helping services and care for these teens. For many teens it could take many times of failing to figure out they actually have a problem. They have the mindset they do not have a problem or they want to fit in and “be cool” with their peers. They usually end up in the court system because they have gotten in trouble.

As a parent it is important to acknowledge that your teen has a problem. If you as the parent ignore the problem then your teen will think it is okay and continue. Just because your teen has a drug or drinking problem does not mean you failed as a parent. What it does mean is that your teen and your family need help. Asking for help is the first step in the right direction. Don’t be afraid to make that step! Your teen’s life could depend on it!

Teens use alcohol and drugs for many reasons. Knowing what those reasons are can be very helpful to you and the children and teens around you. Teaching children and teens how to cope with life stressors is the first step in preventing a substance use problem to begin with. As well as being aware of what is going on in your children’s lives and if something has happened to them seeking the right services to help your child or teen cope with the trauma and pain they have suffered.  

Substance Abuse and Family Counseling

Substance Abuse and Family Counseling

When someone in the family uses substances whether it is drugs or alcohol, their substance use affects everyone in the family. The whole family suffers and plays different roles for the substance user. Whether they are enabling, or in denial that there is even a problem, or trying to just get through each day, everyone is affected.

Often times it takes many times and many things to happen before then substance user come to the point of truly wanting or being forced to get help. It may come to their spouse leaving with the children, the children being removed from the home by Child Protective Services (CPS), or for some other legal issue to arise like jail time. Everyone has their own rock bottom point.

In the case of the substance abuser being a teen, the parents may have the feeling that their child would not have a problem, or the parent uses too so they all think this is normal, or they may be in total shock and not sure what to do. The family members may be trying to figure out where to get help and how to get help not only for the substance user but for the family as a whole.  

The bottom line is the substance user is at the point of needing to seek counseling. They may even have it forced on them by the judicial system. In other words, they are mandated by the courts to seek counseling for the addiction. Usually this happens after they have gotten in trouble with the law.

Coming from the point of view of Family Systems Theory, the whole family needs to be involved in the counseling process. There are reasons their family member is using drugs or alcohol and those reasons effect each member individually as well as the family as a whole. These things need to be worked out in therapy not only for the substance user but the individual members of the family.  

If it is the case of a parent with substance use problems, the children and spouse are probably very hurt and angry. There are most likely issues of trust, or lack thereof, in the family because the substance user has lied or manipulated other family members. These are all issues that need to be addressed in family counseling. Children need to be able to express themselves in a safe place to their parents what they think and feel.

Part of my case load is working with the children and teens of substance users. These children are hurt and angry. They know what their parent is doing is not okay, but they are children so they don’t know what to do about it. They are stuck. In some cases children are taken away from their substance using parent and live someplace else because their parent or parents just can’t get it together to take care of them properly. These children get placed in foster care or go live with another family member.

Some children end up with the sober parent and they are trying to figure out what to do next. They again know what their parent is doing is not okay, but yet their parent still “chooses” alcohol or drugs over their family or children. Children feel neglected, angry, scared, and frustrated. 

The spouse needs to be able to express their feelings about how the substance use has affected the family. Counseling the family as a whole is an important part of restoring the family unit.  For some couples the best thing to help is marriage counseling to help figure out what to do and how to handle the substance use and other issues. For a couple to have marriage counseling to help restore the relationship and help support the substance user is just as important as family counseling.

In the case of teens that use, parents need to take a step back and realize that their teen is in serious trouble. The teen needs support and love in order to recover from their substance use issue. Parents need to realize their role in their teen’s recovery and what parents can do to help their teen. This could be change in rules, consequences, in general being held accountable for their actions.

Teens usually have reasons to use, like any substance user. Teens usually are trying to cover some kind of hurt or pain in their lives. If this is the case, your teen needs counseling not only for the substance use but also for the hurt and pain in their life. When I counsel teens I include the parents in the counseling process.  I as a therapist can only do some much to help a teen in my office once a week. They need tools they can use at home too. Then they need parents that will help them when they want to use in order to cope with a stressor.

Many believe the reason teens use is peer pressure. While this is true to a point, teens develop a substance use issue to cover some kind of trauma, divorce, abuse, low self-esteem, bullying, and so on. Teens want to fit in and pretend that everything is “normal.” The job of a counselor is to help them with the underlying issues and hopefully help with the substance use issue as well. The most effective way to do this is to involve the parents and other family members. 

While counseling for individual family members is important and needed, counseling for the family as a whole is also needed. The family needs to talk all together about issues and work things out together as a family unit. There may be things that the substance user isn’t even aware that happened that need to be worked out, or family dynamics that are not healthy that needs to change to make the family function better.

The sibling needs to be able to express to their sibling substance user how they feel about their substance use. A parent needs to hear the hurt that was caused by the parent to their child during a drunken fit. A parent needs to hear from their substance using teen why they use, even if that reason is because their parents got a divorce.

In order for the family to be made whole again, the family as a whole need to talk out issues that cause the substance use. They also need to talk out the issues caused by the substance use, divorce, financial problems, fighting, neglect, hurt feelings and so on. Until this happens there will continue to be problems in the family.

The key is finding an appropriate therapist or group of therapists that can work with the individual family members as well as the family as a whole. As well as helping the family to plug into resources in order to have complete care and recovery for every family member. Finding a therapist that not only understands substance addiction but also family dynamics is what would work best. As frustrating as it may be to have a family member who abuses substances, still understand your family as a whole needs help and to not be afraid to reach out to get the help that is needed.

Marijuana Use During Pregnancy

Marijuana Use During Pregnancy

We all know how important it is for expectant mothers to be the healthiest they can be during pregnancy. Whether the pregnancy is planned or not to be healthy not only for themselves but also their unborn child is of utmost importance. Whatever a pregnant woman exposes her body to, also affects her unborn child. So, if during pregnancy a woman uses marijuana her unborn, developing baby also uses marijuana. The chemical THC found in marijuana can cross over the placenta very easily. So when the mother uses marijuana so does the baby growing inside of her.

We know that using pretty much any sort of drug, including over the counter drugs, and alcohol can cause damage to the baby growing inside of an expectant mother. Even smoking cigarettes during pregnancy can cause things like low birth weight and birth defects. So, using marijuana in any form can cause permanent damage to an unborn baby.

There isn’t much for long term effects of THC on babies, but what is known is that it can effect their brain development including their cognitive abilities. Like alcohol, marijuana use during pregnancy can cause many problems that will follow your baby throughout their life time.

What is known, is on a long term basis marijuana use during pregnancy can affect a child or an adult from a mental health perspective. Someone, who has had a mother who uses marijuana during pregnancy can develop a list of mental illness issues. They can have ADHD, depression and even addiction later in life for these babies born to mothers who used marijuana during pregnancy. 

It affects everything in a baby. Think of how a baby develops and grows in the mother and what could happen to a baby once they are born of a mother who used marijuana during pregnancy. Many studies say that one of the biggest issues is low birth weight and the baby spending time in the NICU. The problem is there is not much research to say what other things may happen or would happen to a baby whose mother used marijuana during their pregnancy. Researchers have yet to determine if how marijuana is used, smoked, eaten, or some other form has any effect on what happens to a baby.

Some women who used marijuana prior to becoming pregnant believe that marijuana will not affect their baby and some even have the feeling or belief that marijuana use while pregnant can actually help their baby. This is just not the case. The use of any drug can cause problems for an unborn baby. Just because a drug is “legal” does not make it safe. We know that alcohol has many effects on a baby and alcohol is legal.

Marijuana is something that is very controversial. Marijuana slows your thought process. It affects your brain. Marijuana effects what you do. You do get high. Yes, some pregnant women believe that it can help with morning sickness. But, your doctor can give you a medication that could help with morning sickness or nausea that is proven to be safe for you and your baby. There just isn’t enough known about the use of marijuana during pregnancy to be able to know that marijuana would not harm your baby or what it could do to your baby. 

­­­­­The end point being is that there is just not enough to make firm findings on marijuana and unborn babies. The problem with this comes that because there isn’t enough to go off from; that expecting mothers would continue to use marijuana believing that it would not harm their unborn baby. My thinking on this is, why risk it?

We know that alcohol, cigarettes, heroin, cocaine, or really any other drug can cause major harm to an unborn child, including too much caffeine. So, why run the risk? Why put yourself or your baby in harm’s way? Babies are so little and helpless, wouldn’t you as a mother want to do everything in your power to protect them?

I understand that for many people smoking marijuana in general is something that they enjoy and is part of their life on a regular basis. But, let’s look at that idea in general. Is smoking marijuana a healthy choice to begin with? Smoking marijuana is just not a good idea. Why? Well, you can become addicted for starters. It can lead to using other drugs that are just as harmful if not worse. It lowers your inhibitions and can make you vulnerable to harm whether at the hands of someone or you harming yourself in some way. It is along the same likes as getting drunk. You loose control of your thinking and the choices you make can be compromised to where you can be at risk of getting hurt whether intentionally or not.

I understand the need to relax and destress. But, if you need a chemical to do this then there is a bigger problem here. Being pregnant and not smoking marijuana because of being pregnant may be a good chance to learn some new coping skills to reduce your stress level. Finding a new outlet that is safer than using marijuana, I would think would be a good idea at this stage in your life.

The reason being is that as a new parent, you are going to be stressed. You are going to need to find ways of adjusting to having a tiny infant to take care of. This is a scary thing. So, the best way to handle it is to find some supports around you. Maybe even some new supports if what is around you are people that regularly use marijuana. So, finding a parenting group that have healthy members, making new friends, finding new ways of coping with stress in a healthy way so that as you go forward into parenthood you can handle it better.

Are you going to be the perfect parent? No, but I am thinking that you can function better without using marijuana. Using marijuana helps you relax, so what can you do instead that would help you relax? Take a look at your resources and see what you can do to not only improve your life but also the life of your baby. If you need help quitting marijuana use then find yourself a good counselor who can help you do this in a healthy way. You and your baby deserve it.

Just Say No Mom and Dad

Just Say No Mom and Dad

Growing up we have all heard the phrase “just say no” when it comes to using drugs and alcohol. This is what we continue to tell our kids as they may be tempted or pressured by friends or peers to use or try alcohol and drugs. This is all well and good for kids and teens, prevention is a huge part of keeping kids and teens from using, but, what about parents?

Some adults seemed to have missed the whole “just say no” speech. They have used since they were growing up or they have developed a substance abuse issue as adults. They try to justify their actions by saying that it is ok in some way. Why is it okay for parents and adults to use but not kids? I am sure many wonder that logic, including kids. Drugs and alcohol abuse are just as bad for adults as kids and teens.

How does this affect kids and teens with their parent’s relationships? Well, for starters parents are seen as hypocrites and kids and teens think that using is okay because parents do it. Parents are to lead by example. What kind of example is it for parents to use and then say to their kids to not use? A very poor one.

When one or both parents use drugs and alcohol the children in the house suffer. Their basic needs most of the time go unmet. Many parents who have substance abuse problems struggle to find and keep a job. Things like food, shelter, schooling, clothes, all go to the way side and are replaced by the parent’s need to get high. Many times, children are removed from the parent because of abuse and or neglect issues. The other thing that happens is children are just flat up abandoned by the parent who uses. The drug or alcohol becomes much more important than the children.

Children are left to other family members to be cared for because the addiction of drugs and alcohol is so much bigger. Then there are the things that go along with using drugs and alcohol. Adults who may not be the safest are coming in and out of the home for example. Parents who are using also are usually unstable and they tend to bounce from living situation to living situation bringing their kids along for the ride.  

This can create all sorts of issues for children. They are exposed to abuse, poverty, unstable home life, poor education because of lack of involvement from the parent, being homeless, a parent going to jail and so much more. This is the point where usually Child Protective Services becomes involved and the children are removed and placed with a family member or in foster care.

This can open a whole new batch of problems for the children and the parents. Once Child Protective Services becomes involved it can be very hard for the children and parents. Many times, parents who are using do not want to change their behavior.  So, children end up not being able to go back with their parent. This can cause all kinds of mental health issues for the children involved.

This is where a good child therapist can help. Children need to understand that the choices their parent has made is not the child’s fault. For many children this is hard to understand. They do not understand how drugs and alcohol can be so much more important than them.  This is so heartbreaking to watch as someone in a caring profession.

How do we as caring adults try to help these children? Be supportive, listen, let them be angry! They are grieving a loss of a very important relationship. Helping children understand that mom or dad have serious issues and that they need help and until mom and dad are ready for help there isn’t much anyone can do. This is very hard for adults to accept let alone children. Children of addicts love their parent but also struggle with the hurt that comes along with being a child of an addict.

If the children are not taken from the parent with the addiction issues this strange dynamic is created where the children become the caregivers of the parent and the other children in the home. This can also create all kinds of issues because these children are not allowed to be normal children. They are put in the position of being a caregiver at a very young age. While their peers are out playing and going to dances and ball games they are home caring for a parent or sibling.

The other thing that takes place is teens tend to leave home at an early age and “couch surf” because they don’t want to deal with home life any more. For many teens this creates a whole different set of issues, poverty, dropping out of school, abuse, violence, drugs, sex, and so much more.

I have worked with children of addicts of all ages. I have seen the effects first hand. To me as a professional it is heartbreaking! How do we help? You may not be able to reach the parent but try to reach the children. Offer a listening ear, and support. These children need adults in their lives that are stable and can help them navigate through life to better themselves.