Just Say No Mom and Dad

Just Say No Mom and Dad

Growing up we have all heard the phrase “just say no” when it comes to using drugs and alcohol. This is what we continue to tell our kids as they may be tempted or pressured by friends or peers to use or try alcohol and drugs. This is all well and good for kids and teens, prevention is a huge part of keeping kids and teens from using, but, what about parents?

Some adults seemed to have missed the whole “just say no” speech. They have used since they were growing up or they have developed a substance abuse issue as adults. They try to justify their actions by saying that it is ok in some way. Why is it okay for parents and adults to use but not kids? I am sure many wonder that logic, including kids. Drugs and alcohol abuse are just as bad for adults as kids and teens.

How does this affect kids and teens with their parent’s relationships? Well, for starters parents are seen as hypocrites and kids and teens think that using is okay because parents do it. Parents are to lead by example. What kind of example is it for parents to use and then say to their kids to not use? A very poor one.

When one or both parents use drugs and alcohol the children in the house suffer. Their basic needs most of the time go unmet. Many parents who have substance abuse problems struggle to find and keep a job. Things like food, shelter, schooling, clothes, all go to the way side and are replaced by the parent’s need to get high. Many times, children are removed from the parent because of abuse and or neglect issues. The other thing that happens is children are just flat up abandoned by the parent who uses. The drug or alcohol becomes much more important than the children.

Children are left to other family members to be cared for because the addiction of drugs and alcohol is so much bigger. Then there are the things that go along with using drugs and alcohol. Adults who may not be the safest are coming in and out of the home for example. Parents who are using also are usually unstable and they tend to bounce from living situation to living situation bringing their kids along for the ride.  

This can create all sorts of issues for children. They are exposed to abuse, poverty, unstable home life, poor education because of lack of involvement from the parent, being homeless, a parent going to jail and so much more. This is the point where usually Child Protective Services becomes involved and the children are removed and placed with a family member or in foster care.

This can open a whole new batch of problems for the children and the parents. Once Child Protective Services becomes involved it can be very hard for the children and parents. Many times, parents who are using do not want to change their behavior.  So, children end up not being able to go back with their parent. This can cause all kinds of mental health issues for the children involved.

This is where a good child therapist can help. Children need to understand that the choices their parent has made is not the child’s fault. For many children this is hard to understand. They do not understand how drugs and alcohol can be so much more important than them.  This is so heartbreaking to watch as someone in a caring profession.

How do we as caring adults try to help these children? Be supportive, listen, let them be angry! They are grieving a loss of a very important relationship. Helping children understand that mom or dad have serious issues and that they need help and until mom and dad are ready for help there isn’t much anyone can do. This is very hard for adults to accept let alone children. Children of addicts love their parent but also struggle with the hurt that comes along with being a child of an addict.

If the children are not taken from the parent with the addiction issues this strange dynamic is created where the children become the caregivers of the parent and the other children in the home. This can also create all kinds of issues because these children are not allowed to be normal children. They are put in the position of being a caregiver at a very young age. While their peers are out playing and going to dances and ball games they are home caring for a parent or sibling.

The other thing that takes place is teens tend to leave home at an early age and “couch surf” because they don’t want to deal with home life any more. For many teens this creates a whole different set of issues, poverty, dropping out of school, abuse, violence, drugs, sex, and so much more.

I have worked with children of addicts of all ages. I have seen the effects first hand. To me as a professional it is heartbreaking! How do we help? You may not be able to reach the parent but try to reach the children. Offer a listening ear, and support. These children need adults in their lives that are stable and can help them navigate through life to better themselves.