What About Me?

What about me?

  

Your child comes home crying. You ask what is wrong. “Everyone was invited but me mom. Why?!! What is wrong with me?” Your child’s classmate has passed out invites for a party and your child was left out, and they are heartbroken. What do you do as a parent? Do you call the classmate’s parent? Do you talk to the teacher? How do you handle this?

We have all felt left out from time to time. This is a life lesson all kids need to learn at some point. For some kids it is harder then others. Kids don’t understand why they aren’t invited, they just feel hurt when they are left out. How do you as a parent help them get through these painful moments?

Talk to your child to see what they want you to do. Maybe they don’t want to be embarrassed by you intervening. Find out who the child is. Maybe this child is not a friend to your child or they may even be a bully. Maybe there were only so many kids who could be invited for what ever reason. Try not to take it personally. In most cases there is some very valid reason for your child not being invited.

Then there is the idea that maybe the child who is having the party isn’t really a friend of your child. Maybe that isn’t a bad thing! Maybe this child is not a nice child and it might be best if your child isn’t around them.

Help your child understand that they may feel left out but, in most cases, it isn’t something done to be hurtful. There is probably a very good reason that has nothing to do with them. Help your child understand the possible reasons as to why they weren’t invited. Comfort your child and validate their feelings.  Help your child understand it isn’t about them and to try not to take it personal.

When your child plans to have friends over or has a party take a look at who they invite and why. Does your child feel comfortable having friends at your home? Why or why not? Take a look to see what you can do as a parent to support your child in having friends over to play or for a party. If there are things that need to change then do your best to do so.

Also, be aware of who you invite to your child’s parties. Are they really a friend of your child’s or are they someone who is mean to your child? Remember when your child has a friend over to your home, they are letting down their guard to that child. You are welcoming someone into your child’s safe space. Inviting a child into your home who is a bully to your child may not be a good idea.

The day of the party they weren’t invited to may be a good day to have a party of your own or plan some other fun thing to do to occupy your child. This will hopefully help them not think or worry about the party they were not invited to.  Go out to lunch, let them have a friend over, go do something fun!

We all want to feel included and fit in with our peers whether you are a child or an adult or somewhere in between. Helping your child have solid friendships and feel included is a hard job. Sometimes there are hurt feelings and broken relationships that come along the way. The trick is to be able to move beyond it and find out who your real friends are. This is something that will help them as they grown up and face bigger issues of peer pressure.

Alison Neihardt is a local child therapist who has been in practice since 2008. She has her practice Helping Kids Counseling Services is in Traverse City and Kalkaska. She works with children and their families dealing with a wide variety of issues from behavior to divorce and grief issues.

Just Stop it Already!

Just Stop it Already!

I have been in private practice for ten years. I have worked with children in different ways for many years before that. Kids tell me all kinds of things. Some are funny, happy, sad, angry, irritating, and every other feeling you can think of.

As kids come to my office for the first time they may be unsure of me, and that is okay. I am a stranger to them. I take my time to build trust with them. After all they are coming to me because some other person has hurt them or life just happens and they feel broken and hurt.

As we get to know each other they begin to trust me with their “story.” They tell me what is bothering them. What their worries are, or fears, or the things that scare them. They tell me of being physically hurt by an adult who was supposed to protect them. They tell me of the scary fight they witnessed between their parents and the police coming to arrest a parent. They tell me how many beers or drinks their parent had the night before. Keep in mind, these are CHILDREN!

They have fears they don’t even realize they have. They trust very few adults if any. They may be going hungry because there isn’t food in the house. They may be homeless because rent didn’t get paid. These are CHILDREN!

There are times I as a person who loves children and works with them daily, I just want to look at the adults I talk to, to tell them to just STOP IT!!! Just stop! Stop hurting your child. This is your child. Whether you like it or not you are responsible for them. They look to you for help, support, and protection. Now mind you most of the time the parent or adult I want to yell at is not coming to my office because they don’t see a problem with what they do to their child. Or they just want me to “fix” their child. I want to look at them and tell them, you did it! You wonder why your child acts out? Take a look around!

Children deserve to be in a loving, caring, supportive environment. They deserve to be provided for and have their needs met. Just so we are clear on what I mean by “needs,” food, shelter, clothes, and education, medical care, and protection.

Children are not something to use, abuse, fight over, manipulate and hurt. Children are a blessing from God. They did not ask to be born. They didn’t choose parents who would harm them or neglect them. Children are to be treasured and loved not hurt and abused.

So, adults, take a look around you. Are your actions causing harm to your child? Do you need to change in order to be a better parent? Do you need to listen to what your child is trying to tell you? If you need help as an adult/parent then let down your pride and ask! Your child with thank you for it.

If you work with children or see a child who seems to have lots of “issues” it may be a way to ask for help and you may just be the person for the job. Take a stand against hurting children and teens. Sometimes they are to scared to talk and they need to have someone speak on their behalf.

The kids who come in my office know that they are “my kiddos” and I do the best job I can to help them and help them feel safe. That is a promise I try very hard to keep!

The Feelings Doctor is In

The Feelings Doctor is In.

A few years ago, I had a young client come to see me for the first time. He wanted to know what my job was. I explained to him that I would be helping him with his feelings and talk about how to handle them better. He thought for a minute. Then he says, “So, you’re a feelings doctor?” I laughed and then thought about his question. I said, “I guess I am.” I now proudly accept that label.

We go to the doctor when we do not feel right physically. We may be sick, have a on going illness or disease that we need to seek regular care for, or we had some kind of physical health crisis like an injury. So, shouldn’t mental health be the same way? Shouldn’t we be able to seek professional help when we don’t feel right mentally? Why is it such a sigma? Having a check up on your emotions and mental health is like having an annual physical. We should be able to seek professional help and not feel shamed by it.

What about a mental health crisis or emotional crisis like a death, trauma, or some other issue? Children, teens and adults all need a little help from time to time. Some are lucky to have a very good support system and they can handle most of what life throws at them. Some times things just hit us out of nowhere. Then there are people who seem like their lives are in constant chaos and have very little supports.

As a life long church attending Christian I have seen other Christians tell people when they seek help say things like, “well, if you have more faith it will go away or be better.” What?!!! The amount of faith you have or don’t have has nothing to do with it. Sometimes things in life just happen. Sometimes that person struggling with depression or anxiety have a chemical imbalance and they need medication to help them.

We as Christians need to understand that everyone needs Jesus, but, someone may need a professional counselor to help them deal with there mental health just like someone with diabetes needs to have insulin to help them. God wired us to have emotions. He knows our feelings, and He has placed Christian Mental Health professionals in our lives to help us when we need it the most.

Just like you go to your physician for your physical health when you need it, some more then others, you may need to seek mental health services to help get your feelings checked. Please do not make excuses for why you don’t want to go. If it is a matter of needing support then find a supportive person to help you.

When I start working with one of my kiddo clients we start with the basics of identifying feelings and when they feel that feeling. We play games, we read books, we talk about feelings. Don’t be afraid to talk about your feelings with a safe person.   

We adults need a safe person too. We need someone we can talk to and know that the conversation is kept to themselves. Adults need to have safe friends and supports too. We can’t do life alone. God has wired us to be in community with each other and help each other, and give support when needed.

So, when you are getting ready for your child to go back to school, do a mental health check up too. As an adult if you just don’t feel yourself. If you seem down or sad or worrying a lot, then it may be time to seek help for yourself. Yes, it may be hard to find help, but ask around. Talk to your supports, your pastor, a friend, your primary care doctor to see if they know of anyone who can help you. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health.  Find yourself a good “Feelings Doctor” and start to feel back to yourself again soon.

Your Back to School Check List

Your Back to School Check List

Pencils—check, paper—check, cool new back pack—check, mental readiness for school—wait, what? As you are checking off your child’s supply list make sure they are mentally ready for school to start again. Are they ready for the stress of school work? Are they still having issues with that one kid who wouldn’t leave them alone last year? Does your unorganized kid have a plan to stay better organized this year?

Helping your child be mentally ready for school is just as important as to be physically ready for school. Do they have the self-confidence to handle “that one kid”? Are they ready for the school work? Last school year did they have issues with anxiety because of school? Are you concerned your child will still have some “behavior issues”?

I know that it is summer and we are all busy with doing the fun stuff, taking vacations, playing at the beach, enjoying family time. But as you get closer to school starting and getting your kids and yourself ready to go back to school take a moment or two to think about issues that may need to be addressed before starting school again.

Some kids are very scared to go back to school for many reasons. It could be bullies, teachers, work load, peer pressure, or something else. Have a very open conversation with your kids about how they are feeling about school starting. Try to reassure them of their worries and fears about starting school. Yes, of course most kids do not want school to start because well, it is school and they are kids. But, if it is more than that then it needs to be addressed.

If you feel they are not ready for school to start for one of these reasons be proactive and preventative about it. Seek counseling services for your child. You and their therapist can help them together. Sometimes kids are more willing to tell a therapist they trust what they worry about then mom or dad. Find a therapist you trust and begin the work of getting your child mentally ready for school. It is better to start now then waiting for a couple of months when there is an actual problem.

Have a talk with the school administration and make them aware of your child’s concerns about returning to school. Is your child starting a new school? Are they the new kid? This can be hard too. Help them try to make friends before school starts. Get them involved in summer sports or church activities over the summer so they at least have a few familiar faces before September roles around.  

Starting school in the fall can be stressful for many kids, but it doesn’t need to be if things are handled in a way that helps your child feel safe. Every child should feel safe at school. This takes lots of work and communication. Many schools have anti-bullying policies in place to help children who are being bullied by peers. There are other helps in place for kids who struggle with organization and school work. There are aids and tutors who can help.

If your kid is the one who has “behavior issues” what could be causing it? Are there issues at home that is causing the acting out behavior? Things that happen at home can roll over to school and cause issues there as well. Some kids however who are struggling at home thrive at school because of the routine school provides.

Then there are kids struggle with worrying about if they will have the things they need to start school. They worry about having nice clothes and shoes so they feel like they fit in with their peers. For many kids that feel this way, this is a big worry that needs to be addressed and have a plan for them to have what they need.

Start your kids off on the right foot to have a successful school year. Don’t set them up for failure. Also, if you are struggling with getting things for your kids for school do not be afraid to reach out. Many schools and communities have back to school collections to help families who may need the extra boost. If you and your family can help with one of these drives by donating supplies for kids going back to school, please do so. When you do, you are making an investment in a kid’s future and helping to set them up for success!

Dear Jesus...People are a Hot Mess!

Dear Jesus, People are a Hot Mess!

Being the hands and feet of Jesus can be dirty. Matter of fact it can be down-right messy. You may get dirty, literally! You may be broken, abused and used! Are you willing to take the risk? Helping others is not an easy job whether you do it as a “profession” or “ministry,” or whatever term you want to use.

Some people just want to use who ever they can, when they can to get by in life. I am not saying to not help these types of people, but set your boundaries very clear and do not give in! They will burn you out so fast and put a really bad taste in your mouth for ever wanting to try to help someone again! Do not be surprised if they get mad at you the minute you tell them no. This isn’t your issue to worry about. It is theirs.

Some people know they need help and are willing to receive it. They are willing to take whatever help they can get and are more than grateful for the helping hand. Those are the people who are easy to help and make your job easier, in some ways. These are the people who you may tend to worry about the most.

Then there are people who you feel like you have to drag kicking and screaming the whole way. And you think “why am I doing this?” Well, why are you? Maybe they don’t want your help. Maybe they are not ready for it. Maybe they don’t seem to think they have a problem with their actions. These are the people that you as the helper may need to back off and let them fall flat on their nose!

If you are putting more effort into helping them then they are in helping themselves, there is a problem! Sometimes a big one! You may be doing more harm then good!  If you are a people person and want to help who ever you can, you need to know your limits.

You are not Jesus. You only have so much energy and effort you can give to a person or situation. There comes a point when helping others that you may need to take a step back and evaluate what you are doing. It is true there are times that things are not about you as a person. Jesus is calling you to help someone and giving you the resources to do so. These are the times that you can see fruit in your effort.

So, how do you help someone in need? Well, myself as a professional I have a list of community resources and networks of other professionals I can call to back me up. This helps me out in times when I know I have a client who needs food or clothes, or some other basic need. I can give them numbers or call on their behave and find out information to help meet that need.

For someone who is not a trained professional, this may be more of a struggle. You want to reach out and help the hurting and the lost. Get connected with your church and find out if there is someone in your church who may know how to help someone who can give you some guidance and direction. If this is not something that you can find through someone else, google it! See what resources are available in your area. This is how I created my list. I have a spread sheet in a binder that I use to keep this information handy. I then do my best to update the information about once a year.

Jesus called us to seek and save the lost, broken, and helpless, but He also warned up to be as wise as serpents and as innocent as doves. So be wise in the ways you help others. Be prepared to get dirty or down-right messy in the process! You know the saying you can tell how much fun you had by how dirty you get! So, go have fun and serve!

Busy Little Learners

Busy Little Learners

Letters, numbers, shape, colors, animals, these all seem to be basic learning concepts, right? Well, we all learned them somewhere. Who taught you? A parent? A grandparent? A teacher? Early childhood is prime time for learning. Little minds are constantly busy and moving! Why not use that to their advantage?  Helping your little one learn is one of the most important things you can do as a parent. This can be very overwhelming to some parents.

Where do I start? How do I do this? What if I mess up? Well, first there is room for error. Helping your child learn can be fun for you and them. There are many free to low cost ways to help your child learn. Children are naturally wanting to learn, so bonus!

How do you start? Well, with basic things like having a routine for them helps. Setting aside time each day or as many as you can.  You can do things like read together, do learning activities like puzzles, letters, numbers, and so on. These skills are important at a young age. Make games to help your young one learn. I find many fun games and activities on Pinterest. Many of the things I find can be made out of things around your home or things that can be purchased cheap at the dollar store or a craft store.

You can even get little bags with these simple activities in to help keep them organized. If you have the space you can create a learning area for you child to help them learn better. They feel like they have a space that is all for them. This helps prepare them for school by learning to sit for a few minutes at a time. It also helps with learning to listen and follow directions.

It is becoming more and more important that our little ones begin learning at a young age. Also, little ones understand that learning is important and can be fun! Pick activities and games which you feel your child will enjoy. Make several different things so they can have a choice and switch things around so they don’t become bored. You could even have them help you make some of the activities as well.

By also helping your child learn you get to influence their learning at a very young age. Plus, you as a parent or grandparent can help build your bond between you and your little one. It gives you and your little one a structure time to spend together each day. Then at some point once they can do the activities on their own they and do them for themselves. This could potentially help you have a little time to do things you need because you know your little is busy doing something.  And your little one has their self esteem boosted because they have learned to do something on their own! How cool is that?!

Little People Big Dreams

Little People…Big Dreams!

What do you want to be when you grow up? Kids are asked this question all the time. Part of childhood is the act of growing up. We ask kids what do they want to be, but do we as adults actually listen and take them seriously?

Yeah, sure you may get some silly answers, a clown, a cowboy, an artist, and so on. But what makes those ideas silly? Most kids eventually figure out what they want to be. Some kids know from the time they are young they want to work with animals or help people.  

Some people including children have a natural gift for things like art or music. Let them go after that. Let them try it out. Please don’t tell them that they can’t do something, just because you don’t understand it. Ask them why they want to do those things or how they want to do those things. Let them educate you in order to learn what they think fits them best.

For me personally I wanted to be a teacher. From a young age I knew I wanted to work with children. I started my college career out as wanting to be a teacher. I then was introduced to counseling and felt God calling me in that direction. I still ended up working with children, just in a different way.

Let kids “research” and check out different types of jobs. Let kids no matter if they are a boy or girl check out jobs in different areas and help them decide what is right for them. Let them test the waters with different jobs. They could job shadow you or someone else to get an idea of what different jobs are like. Or they could go visit places like a police station, a fire house, or a hospital for a tour to get an idea of what those places are like.

Let your kids dream big! Don’t tell them something can’t be done. If you are unsure if it will be something they can make a living at, let them make that choice not you. We seem to discourage kids who want to be an actor or an artist or the latest one is a video game programmer. Why do we do this? Well, you as a parent are concerned if they will make a living at it.

How will your kids know if they don’t try? Anything they want is within their reach if they are encouraged and feel supported. Also, if they want to do a vocational job like welding, let them! Those jobs are in high demand and pay well. Not every person is a school person. Some kids struggle with school and love doing physical labor every day. They work hard and make an honest living so why not?

Dreams do come true if you try and put in the work. Who said dreams are easy? They just need to be possible. As a parent or adult help children make their dreams possible. Be supportive and listen to their choices and ideas. Try not to discourage their ideas.

Kids get enough discouragement in their lives, please don’t add to it. Be their cheering section. Not just at a ball game, also in their game of life.