Children Who Get Left Behind

Children Who Get Left Behind

We are in that time of year that we celebrate mothers and fathers, which for many children and teens is something they just do. They make a gift or card to show their appreciation of what their parent has done for them. They have no problem walking down the card aisle and look at all the nice cards and funny ones and choose a card that best fits their parent. For many children this is the norm. That is wonderful!

But, there are the other kids who have a parent or parents who have left them. They have been abandoned by their parent. This abandonment can be emotional, physical, or both. These children are hurting. They hurt because they look around them and see the “normal” kids doing nice things with and for their parents to honor them on their special day.

Parent abandonment is a very hard thing for children to understand. Even at a very young age children realize what “normal” is. They look around and see that other children have both parents. Older children know what life was like before their parent left. They know the pain first hand of having a parent leave them and never come back. The reasons are endless, divorce, abuse, jail, a parent being “too busy.” Never mind the reason, the fact of the matter is that the parent or parents have left.

The child feels alone. For the lucky ones they have adults who step into their lives that take over that parent role. This could be an aunt, uncle, older sibling, family friend, grandparent, or step parent. This is great and helps fill a need for that child.

When a parent leaves their child, they leave a big hole and a lot of unanswered questions. “Why did you leave me?” “What did I do?” “Where are you?” “Are you coming back?” “Was I bad?” These questions may never be answered. What these children need to understand is this; it is not your fault! Your parent made a choice to leave. They walked out and didn’t give any answers that made any kind of sense.    

So, what does this mean for these children? Will they have problems for the rest of their life because of this? The answer is complicated, but not, all at once. They will be fine, eventually. If they get the proper help to guide them through. They need support. They need understanding. They need room to be hurt and angry. They have reason to be.

These children will feel more insecure. They will be afraid that someone else is going to leave them behind. They will have low self-esteem. They will have to have very understanding supports in their lives that will be able to reassure them, “it will be okay.” They need someone to say, “I will not leave you.” They need to feel safe, because at some point the one person who was supposed to help them feel safe, left them behind.

So, as a support person what can you do to help? Well, for starters listen to these hurting kids. They probably are not going to trust you right off. They have been hurt by the one person they thought would never hurt them. It may take some time, or a lot of time to build trust. Hang out with these kids. Invite them to your home. It may be that your child has a friend in this situation. Invite them to your home to hang out with you and your family. They need to see what a “normal” family looks like. They need to see what a “normal” family does. Invite them to dinner, to hang out, to church. These kids need to know that you are an adult that can be trusted and loves them.

If you have a child in your own family with this issue, make yourself available to them. Help them, hang out with them. Take them fishing. One of the men in my church always says, “Every boy needs an uncle and every girl needs an aunt.” They may not be any biological relation to you, but you can still build a life long relationship with these kids.

God has put you in the path of that child for a reason. That child needs you. They need to know they are not alone and that there will always be someone there to help them.