Will You Be My Friend?

Will You Be My Friend?

We all want friends. We all want to be liked. What qualities do you look for in a friend? What qualities do you teach your children about having healthy friends? I ask these things to the children I work with all the time. Some of their answers are cute and sweet, like they share or they are nice. Awe, how cute right? While these things are very true and basic, we need to look beyond the basic.

For many of us the friendships we make early in life can carry on for many years. Why is this? Well, because you find friends that meet your needs and you meet their needs. Friendship, like any relationship is a two way street. It is a give and take, if you are always giving or always taking eventually the friendship will die out. This is true no matter the age. If you are a five-year-old little kid and your “friend” is always taking your things, will you still be there friend? Most likely you won’t be.

If you are a teen and your friend is always getting you in trouble or being a bully, will you continue this friendship? If you are a smart kid, most likely you would not. Parents are there to guide and direct who makes a good or healthy friend for us. They may point out sometimes when someone who a kid believes is their friend keeps hurting their feelings or getting in trouble over and over that maybe that person is not the best person to be spending time with.

Parents need to be having regular talks with their kids no matter the age, who is a good friend and who is not. So, what makes a good friend? Well, those basic things, they play nice, they share, they are kind, they listen, and they respect you as a person and accept you for who you are.

Parents, do you have rules about when, where, and to who’s house your child goes? I hope the answer is yes. When I was growing up my mom had to know who the family was, where I was going and when I would be home. I also had to check in with her regularly. My mom had to know my friend’s parents and if there would be an adult at home. Did I always like her rules? No, but I tell you what those rules kept me out of trouble!  

Yes, I know kids don’t like rules. Sometimes as a parent you want to be your child’s friend, but, you can’t be at least when they are young. You need to be their parent and set limits and boundaries. They need to know what is acceptable and what is not. It is okay to tell your child “no.”

The other part of your job as a parent is to model good relationships. Your children are watching you and how you handle your friendships. They watch when you gossip about a friend or say something rude about a friend behind their back. Kids are WAY more aware of things than what parents realize. They hear your phone conversations. They hear you talking in the next room. Kids have this magic way of knowing when their parent is on the phone and they can really hear you then!

Also, parents need to give their child opportunities to make good friends. Many of my true friends I had were from church. The reason was because my mom knew the families. We were all family friends and so therefore my mom knew what they stood for and that I would be safe with that family if I went with them.

So, when having these talks with kids about friendship, also talk about their side of the friendship. When they come to you and tell you that someone is mad at them, talk to them about why they think that person is mad at them. Maybe your kid messed up and hurt their friend’s feelings? Maybe your child was the mean one? 

Help your child learn from the mistake and try to make it right. Maybe they need to go apologize for their actions. It is okay to mess up, we are all human. It is having the ability to say that you are sorry and truly meaning it.

Yes we all know how kid friendships go, one minute they are best friends and the next they are not. One of the things of any relationship is to know that maybe being around your best friend all the time is not the healthiest thing either. Sometimes it is best to sometimes go play with another friend for a little while. If you are truly friends it will be okay.

Now, we all have heard kids say to one another, “if you are friends with her, I won’t be friends with you!” So, how do we help kids handle that one? Well, part of it is that it isn’t okay for one person to control who your child is friends with. If they are truly a friend it won’t matter who they hang out with.

Yes, this hurts greatly that your child’s friend is trying to control who their friends are. Then as a parent, teach your child to stand up not only for themselves, but their friend too. I know of times where a child tries to befriend a kid that is not so popular and the child gets bullied in the process. Hopefully this child is strong enough with themselves they can stand up for what is right.

Yes kids can be so cruel! But, hopefully with some talking and teaching we can help kids be able to not only pick good friends, but also stand up for the kids who need a friend. It doesn’t matter the quantity of friends, but the quality of friends that counts!