Who is in Your Tribe?

Who is in Your Tribe?

Who is in your tribe? Who do you trust? Who is part of your inner circle of friends? Who can you call in the middle of the night for help? Who can keep you accountable? Who will keep your secrets? Who do you trust with your life or better yet the lives of your children?

For some people these questions are easy to answer. They can list off a handful of people who have their backs no matter what. These are the people you call in case of an emergency. They can give you advice and guide and direct you even if it isn’t what you want to hear. They speak out of love for you.

For some people who is in your tribe may be more difficult. For some there may only be one or two people in their lives who are trustworthy. Their reasons can be a wide variety and can be very valid. They or their children by have been hurt badly by someone close to them. So to protect themselves they have learned to keep people at a distance.

So how do we determine who we let close to us? Some say family, which if you are lucky to have a close family then that is awesome. I am in that category that I know I can call family members and they will jump in and help no matter what. If you are blessed like me that is great! Then we have friends who have become like family. We trust them with a key to our houses, put them on the pick-up list for our kids at school, call in an emergency and you know that they will be there.

We have these people in our lives that began as friends and have proven themselves over and over that they can be trusted and are there to help with anything. They are not fare weather friends. They have been with you through some of the hardest parts of your life. The true test of friendship is what they do when there is a crisis either in your life or theirs.  Do they try to help, or do they leave or back off when you needed them the most?

How do we as adults help kids figure out who is in their tribe? Are their friends someone that you trust as a parent? Do their friends get them in trouble or do they behave and make your child a better person? How well do they get along? Do they fight all the time, or do they get along and play well together for the most part? Little arguments and misunderstandings are normal.

What do we do when we let someone into our tribe and then we find out that maybe we shouldn’t have? How do we get them out of tribe?  There will most likely be an event or string of events that take place that this friend will show who they really are. An argument, a crisis, boundaries that are repeatedly crossed. That feeling of being used over and over.

You may have to distance yourself from them. This can be a painful process. It is a break up of a relationship. You have invested time, energy, and other resources into this relationship. All kinds of negative feelings come along with this process. You may need to take them off your Facebook or other social media. You may have an awkward run in someplace public like the store. How do you handle this situation? Do you ignore them? Do you say hello? Do you walk the other way?

We need to be very aware of who we let close to us and our families. We need to listen to our gut and be aware of “red flags” that may come up. Try to address issues like boundaries being crossed as they come up. Yes, friends will argue and disagree. But true friends have your back and your best interests at heart.

What “red flags” are we looking for? Do they cross your boundaries repeatedly? Do they take a lot of your time and energy? Are they someone what takes the fun out of the relationship? Do they just want to complain and not change? Do you feel like you are being used for things like your time, energy, money, out of convivence?  If you have answered yes to these questions, then you may have to distance yourself from this person. And yes, these things can apply to your family members as well.

When you look at your tribe make sure that the ones who are in it are there for you and you are there for them. Friendship is a two-way street. If you enjoy their company and can spend lots of time with them and feel like you can trust them then they are safe people for you. But, do not rush this process! Do not let someone in your tribe after only a few times of hanging out together! These kinds of friendships take time to develop.