Help!...My Child Needs Help!

Help!...My Child Needs Help!

 

Does your child or teen seem to be withdrawn? Are they acting out? Do they seem angry and you are not sure why, or maybe you do? Has there been changes in their lives or in the life of your family? Does your child or teen seem to be struggling for no apparent reason? Are your child’s friends not the best? Are their school grades dropping?

If you answered yes to any of these questions or all of them it may be time to seek professional help for your child or teen. I know this is something that is scary for a parent because you feel helpless and you want your child to feel “better.”  

Trying to find the right help can be a challenge. Finding a therapist that can work with you and your child is the first thing. What is the therapist’s background? Do they understand and have experience with children and teens? How often can your child see them? Therapy needs to be consistent for it to be helpful.

Is the therapist’s office inviting for children and teens? Some things I do to make my office “kid friendly” is it is intently decorated to draw kids in, but, it is also to be therapeutic. I have a couch with stuffed animals on it for holding while we talk. My office is set up for play and art therapy. The biggest thing I have is a snack bucket. I fill it with healthy snacks, pretzels, Goldfish crackers, granola bars. It is hard to talk to a hungry kid.

So, how do you begin your search for a therapist? Ask your child’s doctor, talk to the school counselor, ask friends, talk to your pastor. They will have ideas and places to check out. Call more than one therapist. Ask them questions. This is your child’s mental health. It is as important as their physical health. You should feel that your child’s therapist makes your child a priority and your child should feel comfortable with them because the things they need to talk about is scary. They need to feel they can trust their therapist and you as a parent need to know that your therapist is going to work with you as the parent. If you do not get this feeling then keep looking. Do not settle for the first person you come across.

Who is in Your Tribe?

Who is in Your Tribe?

Who is in your tribe? Who do you trust? Who is part of your inner circle of friends? Who can you call in the middle of the night for help? Who can keep you accountable? Who will keep your secrets? Who do you trust with your life or better yet the lives of your children?

For some people these questions are easy to answer. They can list off a handful of people who have their backs no matter what. These are the people you call in case of an emergency. They can give you advice and guide and direct you even if it isn’t what you want to hear. They speak out of love for you.

For some people who is in your tribe may be more difficult. For some there may only be one or two people in their lives who are trustworthy. Their reasons can be a wide variety and can be very valid. They or their children by have been hurt badly by someone close to them. So to protect themselves they have learned to keep people at a distance.

So how do we determine who we let close to us? Some say family, which if you are lucky to have a close family then that is awesome. I am in that category that I know I can call family members and they will jump in and help no matter what. If you are blessed like me that is great! Then we have friends who have become like family. We trust them with a key to our houses, put them on the pick-up list for our kids at school, call in an emergency and you know that they will be there.

We have these people in our lives that began as friends and have proven themselves over and over that they can be trusted and are there to help with anything. They are not fare weather friends. They have been with you through some of the hardest parts of your life. The true test of friendship is what they do when there is a crisis either in your life or theirs.  Do they try to help, or do they leave or back off when you needed them the most?

How do we as adults help kids figure out who is in their tribe? Are their friends someone that you trust as a parent? Do their friends get them in trouble or do they behave and make your child a better person? How well do they get along? Do they fight all the time, or do they get along and play well together for the most part? Little arguments and misunderstandings are normal.

What do we do when we let someone into our tribe and then we find out that maybe we shouldn’t have? How do we get them out of tribe?  There will most likely be an event or string of events that take place that this friend will show who they really are. An argument, a crisis, boundaries that are repeatedly crossed. That feeling of being used over and over.

You may have to distance yourself from them. This can be a painful process. It is a break up of a relationship. You have invested time, energy, and other resources into this relationship. All kinds of negative feelings come along with this process. You may need to take them off your Facebook or other social media. You may have an awkward run in someplace public like the store. How do you handle this situation? Do you ignore them? Do you say hello? Do you walk the other way?

We need to be very aware of who we let close to us and our families. We need to listen to our gut and be aware of “red flags” that may come up. Try to address issues like boundaries being crossed as they come up. Yes, friends will argue and disagree. But true friends have your back and your best interests at heart.

What “red flags” are we looking for? Do they cross your boundaries repeatedly? Do they take a lot of your time and energy? Are they someone what takes the fun out of the relationship? Do they just want to complain and not change? Do you feel like you are being used for things like your time, energy, money, out of convivence?  If you have answered yes to these questions, then you may have to distance yourself from this person. And yes, these things can apply to your family members as well.

When you look at your tribe make sure that the ones who are in it are there for you and you are there for them. Friendship is a two-way street. If you enjoy their company and can spend lots of time with them and feel like you can trust them then they are safe people for you. But, do not rush this process! Do not let someone in your tribe after only a few times of hanging out together! These kinds of friendships take time to develop.

Protecting Our Monsters

Protecting Our Monsters

 

Trick or Treating is a fun thing that every kid wants to be able to do. But what about kids with special needs? The kid who is diabetic, or autistic, or has food allergies. What about these kids? Halloween trick or treating can become more stressful for them and their parents. Kids with sensory issues have a hard time with costumes or certain textures. Some kids don’t do well in big crowds. So how do we help these kids?

Have you seen the teal pumpkin? What does it mean? Well, it means that house or person has treats that are safe for kids with special needs. Look for these houses to take your little princesses and cowboys to for goodies and things just for them.

Also, as someone handing out treats remember these kiddos and pick things like pretzels, or some other healthy alternatives, or some fun little toys or pencils. This helps cut down on the amount of sweets kids get but they still have fun getting treats and fun stuff. Also, remember some kiddos my be afraid of people in masks. Just be careful how much you scare!

To help young kids or kids who struggle with big crowds, check into see what events are available in your area. Many places do a “trunk or treat.” What is “trunk or treat?” Well, cars line up in a parking lot and the kids and go around the parking lot to collect goodies from people who have been screened and approved by the organization who is hosting. This is also a place where you can go inside and get warm and probably find a snack and a rest room.

To the generous people handing out goodies to our little costumed friends please be aware that not all kids speak well or are able to communicate as “normal” kids. They aren’t being rude it is just who they are. Please to do not take offence and not treat because of this. Kids are kids and they just want to have fun.

General safety rules of course are wear bright clothes, so you can be seen. Hold hands and walk together in busy places. Do not trick or treat alone, make sure you have an adult with you. Go to houses you know. Have an adult check your treats to make sure they are safe before eating them.

Be aware of extra police helping to keep kiddos safe as they walk around town. And if you’re lucky maybe that officer has candy too! Help keep those cute little monsters safe, when driving watch for little ones who may try to sneak between cars or out of the grip of an adult. Be patient with kids as they are kids and are excited, so they may not be watching for you.

The bottom line, have fun, and be safe so all of those cute costumed kiddos come home safe!

Hurting Kids Hurt People

Hurting Kids Hurt People

 

Many people ask me as a counselor how do I help my hurting kid? Parents and caregivers can see their child is hurting. This a problem that isn’t always easy to solve. You see, it is because some hurts are so big. It isn’t like a scrapped knee that gets a band aid and a kiss. I wish it was that simple. Believe me as I see kids sit across from me in tears because they can’t figure out why their parent doesn’t come home or why someone who loves them so much would purposely hurt them.

Children naturally think that anything that happens is because of something they did. For example, if mom and dad split up kids think that if they would have behaved better or gotten better grades their parents wouldn’t have split up. When in reality the parents split up for very adult reasons. This is how I explain it to my client kids so they hopefully understand that mom and dad getting a divorce isn’t because of something they did.

When kids are hurting there are some very basic things parents and caregivers can do to help. One, listen. Just be available for your kids to talk and don’t judge what they are saying. Two, provide consistency. Don’t let kids do naughty things and let them get away with it because “they are having a hard time.” Three, allow your child to be angry or sad. God wired us to have those feelings. It is okay to have them and express them. I tell the kids I work with that it is okay to be angry, but to not do naughty things in their anger. Lastly, find our child a qualified mental health professional who specializes in working with children to help. Look for a child therapist who knows and understands children and trauma.

When working with kids who are hurting things can come up like depression, anxiety, stress, anger, acting out, as well as others. One way to support your child at home is to offer a “safe space.” This may be their room or some other place where they can get a way and just chill out. Also, provide some kind of “cool down kits.” Things in these kits could be activities that are quiet and calming to your child. Some sound cancelling headphones, coloring book and crayons, puzzles, books, music, or a journal just to list a few.

In cases where children or teens have made comments that they don’t want to be around or want to hurt themselves, PLEASE get help! This is not a game! Even if you think your child wouldn’t do anything, do you want to be wrong? Also, make sure to lock up all meds and sharp objects to keep them safe. Make a safety plan with them and their therapist. Do not be afraid to reach out for help so your child or teen can hopefully get the proper help they need and deserve.

The Play in Therapy

The Play in Therapy

“Wow!” That is usually the response I get when a child walks into my office for the first time. I work with children and it is very obvious from the way my office looks. There are toys, games, stuffed animals on the couch, a big wooden doll house, and a car rug on the floor. There are bright colored pictures on my walls of things that kids like, cars, animals, photographs, and even Mickey Mouse.

Kids come in and they want to play. Well of course they see the toys and think that they are here to play. Well, they are, but they are also here to get help. The toys and games in my office are tools to help children talk to me. I let children play while we talk. This helps them to relax. They also are able to “act out” what is going on.

Kids can come in and play with the puppets and may use the puppet to talk about feelings or something that is bothering them. It is safe to talk to a puppet, adults, not always. A child may take the dolls and act out what is happening in their family.

When I work with clients who are six and younger, we play with puzzles and learning games because it keeps their hands busy so we can talk. I can also assess if they are at a normal developmental level. I have activities which my younger clients may do in school and they are familiar with them and so therefore feel more comfortable.  

Some may see what I do as playing games with kids, and they are right, to a point. I play games in a therapy setting to talk about feelings, grief, anger, and other childhood issues. In playing these games kids relax and they can talk more freely with me about how they are feeling.

Some of these games I create myself, and some I find elsewhere. I do my research to find activities that will be effective and helpful for my clients. I make sure they are age appropriate and that it applies to them.

Some may just see the stuffed animals on my couch as a cute decoration, but they have a purpose. They comfort hurting kids. When you were crying as a child you had a “stuffy” that you cuddled with. This is the same idea. I have had children sit on the couch crying and hold a stuffed animal for comfort. This helps them process their emotions.

I have a snack bucket in my office with healthy snacks for kids. Why do I do this? Well, it is hard to talk to a hungry kid. Many of my kids come straight from school and they are hungry. So, they get a snack and we talk. It also helps busy parents who are trying to get their children to counseling straight from school. They know I have snacks in my office, healthy snacks!

Why is play so important in counseling a child? Well, children communicate and learn through play. They use their imagination to talk about feelings. Children developmentally are very concrete thinkers. If they can use toys and games to communicate some very tough emotions then this is a win in my book! If you watch children play they act out what they know. This is why playing “house” is such a common thing.

Another thing I do with my clients depending on their age is to read them books. We read books on things like death, divorce, feelings, friendship, my library is full of these types of books. Why do I read with my young clients? Well, first it is a bonding thing. Most kids like to be read to. And second, they can identify with the story. They can see the characters in the books struggle with things like anger, fear, and sadness just like they do. They are not alone. Many times, kids feel like they are the only ones who feel anger, and sadness. Reading these books helps to make their feelings “normal.”

If it ever comes a time when a child you love needs a therapist make sure they understand children. Many therapists say they work with kids, but if you look at their office or talk to them it is obvious they don’t. Your child deserves a place where they can be a kid and talk about the big stuff they are dealing with. Do your research and see who your child connects with. You would make sure they have the proper medical care so make sure they have the right mental health care too.

Design a Friend

Design a Friend

What kind of friends do your kids pick? Are they kind? Are they a good influence? Does your child behave well when they are around their friends? What is the ideal friend for you child? What qualities does your child want in a friend?

Well, help them design a friend! For starters, is the person kind? Are they willing to share? Does your child play well with them? Do they like your child for who they are or does your child have to change to fit in?

There are so many factors when children pick friends. We as adults want to help them pick friends that are right for them. We want to help kids make friends that will last. Some kids look for what they can get from someone. Some kids want to be friends with someone because they are “popular.”

Also, as adults we need to teach children to be friends with kids who may not have friends. Teaching them to love their neighbor. These children may be hard to be friends with. But, in many cases they are the ones who need friends the most. They may be the kid who is “different” or the new kid. These kids need friends just as much as the “popular” kids if not more.

Not only do you want your child to make wise choices in picking friends, but you also want them to be a good friend to someone else. Friendship is a two-way street. Helping your child design their own friend but also helping design the type of friend someone else may need your child to be. How does your child interact with kids who may need extra grace and help? Do they include them or do they make fun of them?

Some schools are starting a “buddy bench.” The idea is there is a bench on the playground at your child’s school. If someone needs a friend to play with at school they sit on the bench. This shows other kids they need a buddy to play with. The kids go over to the bench and sit and talk to the child looking for a friend. They hopefully can be able to play together and be buddies. The coolest part is that kids came up with this idea!

Children live in a world filled with bullies and mean people. We as adults need to help children find a way to not only help them make good friends but also be a good friend to those around them. Your child may not be friends with everyone, but they need to learn to respect others, hopefully they can influence others to do the same.

The New Kid on the Block

The New Kid on the Block

 

Is your child starting at a new school? Are they the new kid? You always hear horror stories of the new kid’s first day of school. They have no one to sit with at lunch. They do not know anyone. They have no one to play with at recess. Maybe they get picked on because they wear the wrong thing.

These things can cause great stress on you and your child. As a parent, you want your child to succeed. You want your child to fit in and have good friends. These things come to mind as your child goes into their new school for the first time.

To help with this transition you may suggest to your child, find a friendly face. Be friendly and courageous. These things help, but it takes lots of courage to be the new kid. As the new kid, you look at a sea of faces none of which are familiar. If you are lucky there may be one or two kids you know, but it can be hard to fit in right away. No matter what, it can be very scary to go to a school where you don’t know anyone.

Your child will make it through the day. Things will be okay. They will make friends. As a parent, be there listen to your child. Help the figure out ways to make friends and do well in their school. Meet with their new teacher. Get to know some of the other parents in your child’s class. Allow your child to be in after school activities to help meet new friends.

If your child is transitioning from being homeschooled to public school many of the same things apply. Hopefully your child will know some of the kids in their school from things like church or youth group or some other non-school activity. This will help your child’s transition into public school.

Help your child the best you can. Some things will not be within your control or your child’s control. But if will be okay. Help your child be flexible. Remember there is a period of adjustment and understand that your child may have some different behaviors until they adjust to their new school.

Kids usually adjust faster than adults think they well. Just give it time.