Just Stop it Already!

Just Stop it Already!

I have been in private practice for ten years. I have worked with children in different ways for many years before that. Kids tell me all kinds of things. Some are funny, happy, sad, angry, irritating, and every other feeling you can think of.

As kids come to my office for the first time they may be unsure of me, and that is okay. I am a stranger to them. I take my time to build trust with them. After all they are coming to me because some other person has hurt them or life just happens and they feel broken and hurt.

As we get to know each other they begin to trust me with their “story.” They tell me what is bothering them. What their worries are, or fears, or the things that scare them. They tell me of being physically hurt by an adult who was supposed to protect them. They tell me of the scary fight they witnessed between their parents and the police coming to arrest a parent. They tell me how many beers or drinks their parent had the night before. Keep in mind, these are CHILDREN!

They have fears they don’t even realize they have. They trust very few adults if any. They may be going hungry because there isn’t food in the house. They may be homeless because rent didn’t get paid. These are CHILDREN!

There are times I as a person who loves children and works with them daily, I just want to look at the adults I talk to, to tell them to just STOP IT!!! Just stop! Stop hurting your child. This is your child. Whether you like it or not you are responsible for them. They look to you for help, support, and protection. Now mind you most of the time the parent or adult I want to yell at is not coming to my office because they don’t see a problem with what they do to their child. Or they just want me to “fix” their child. I want to look at them and tell them, you did it! You wonder why your child acts out? Take a look around!

Children deserve to be in a loving, caring, supportive environment. They deserve to be provided for and have their needs met. Just so we are clear on what I mean by “needs,” food, shelter, clothes, and education, medical care, and protection.

Children are not something to use, abuse, fight over, manipulate and hurt. Children are a blessing from God. They did not ask to be born. They didn’t choose parents who would harm them or neglect them. Children are to be treasured and loved not hurt and abused.

So, adults, take a look around you. Are your actions causing harm to your child? Do you need to change in order to be a better parent? Do you need to listen to what your child is trying to tell you? If you need help as an adult/parent then let down your pride and ask! Your child with thank you for it.

If you work with children or see a child who seems to have lots of “issues” it may be a way to ask for help and you may just be the person for the job. Take a stand against hurting children and teens. Sometimes they are to scared to talk and they need to have someone speak on their behalf.

The kids who come in my office know that they are “my kiddos” and I do the best job I can to help them and help them feel safe. That is a promise I try very hard to keep!

The Feelings Doctor is In

The Feelings Doctor is In.

A few years ago, I had a young client come to see me for the first time. He wanted to know what my job was. I explained to him that I would be helping him with his feelings and talk about how to handle them better. He thought for a minute. Then he says, “So, you’re a feelings doctor?” I laughed and then thought about his question. I said, “I guess I am.” I now proudly accept that label.

We go to the doctor when we do not feel right physically. We may be sick, have a on going illness or disease that we need to seek regular care for, or we had some kind of physical health crisis like an injury. So, shouldn’t mental health be the same way? Shouldn’t we be able to seek professional help when we don’t feel right mentally? Why is it such a sigma? Having a check up on your emotions and mental health is like having an annual physical. We should be able to seek professional help and not feel shamed by it.

What about a mental health crisis or emotional crisis like a death, trauma, or some other issue? Children, teens and adults all need a little help from time to time. Some are lucky to have a very good support system and they can handle most of what life throws at them. Some times things just hit us out of nowhere. Then there are people who seem like their lives are in constant chaos and have very little supports.

As a life long church attending Christian I have seen other Christians tell people when they seek help say things like, “well, if you have more faith it will go away or be better.” What?!!! The amount of faith you have or don’t have has nothing to do with it. Sometimes things in life just happen. Sometimes that person struggling with depression or anxiety have a chemical imbalance and they need medication to help them.

We as Christians need to understand that everyone needs Jesus, but, someone may need a professional counselor to help them deal with there mental health just like someone with diabetes needs to have insulin to help them. God wired us to have emotions. He knows our feelings, and He has placed Christian Mental Health professionals in our lives to help us when we need it the most.

Just like you go to your physician for your physical health when you need it, some more then others, you may need to seek mental health services to help get your feelings checked. Please do not make excuses for why you don’t want to go. If it is a matter of needing support then find a supportive person to help you.

When I start working with one of my kiddo clients we start with the basics of identifying feelings and when they feel that feeling. We play games, we read books, we talk about feelings. Don’t be afraid to talk about your feelings with a safe person.   

We adults need a safe person too. We need someone we can talk to and know that the conversation is kept to themselves. Adults need to have safe friends and supports too. We can’t do life alone. God has wired us to be in community with each other and help each other, and give support when needed.

So, when you are getting ready for your child to go back to school, do a mental health check up too. As an adult if you just don’t feel yourself. If you seem down or sad or worrying a lot, then it may be time to seek help for yourself. Yes, it may be hard to find help, but ask around. Talk to your supports, your pastor, a friend, your primary care doctor to see if they know of anyone who can help you. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health.  Find yourself a good “Feelings Doctor” and start to feel back to yourself again soon.

Your Back to School Check List

Your Back to School Check List

Pencils—check, paper—check, cool new back pack—check, mental readiness for school—wait, what? As you are checking off your child’s supply list make sure they are mentally ready for school to start again. Are they ready for the stress of school work? Are they still having issues with that one kid who wouldn’t leave them alone last year? Does your unorganized kid have a plan to stay better organized this year?

Helping your child be mentally ready for school is just as important as to be physically ready for school. Do they have the self-confidence to handle “that one kid”? Are they ready for the school work? Last school year did they have issues with anxiety because of school? Are you concerned your child will still have some “behavior issues”?

I know that it is summer and we are all busy with doing the fun stuff, taking vacations, playing at the beach, enjoying family time. But as you get closer to school starting and getting your kids and yourself ready to go back to school take a moment or two to think about issues that may need to be addressed before starting school again.

Some kids are very scared to go back to school for many reasons. It could be bullies, teachers, work load, peer pressure, or something else. Have a very open conversation with your kids about how they are feeling about school starting. Try to reassure them of their worries and fears about starting school. Yes, of course most kids do not want school to start because well, it is school and they are kids. But, if it is more than that then it needs to be addressed.

If you feel they are not ready for school to start for one of these reasons be proactive and preventative about it. Seek counseling services for your child. You and their therapist can help them together. Sometimes kids are more willing to tell a therapist they trust what they worry about then mom or dad. Find a therapist you trust and begin the work of getting your child mentally ready for school. It is better to start now then waiting for a couple of months when there is an actual problem.

Have a talk with the school administration and make them aware of your child’s concerns about returning to school. Is your child starting a new school? Are they the new kid? This can be hard too. Help them try to make friends before school starts. Get them involved in summer sports or church activities over the summer so they at least have a few familiar faces before September roles around.  

Starting school in the fall can be stressful for many kids, but it doesn’t need to be if things are handled in a way that helps your child feel safe. Every child should feel safe at school. This takes lots of work and communication. Many schools have anti-bullying policies in place to help children who are being bullied by peers. There are other helps in place for kids who struggle with organization and school work. There are aids and tutors who can help.

If your kid is the one who has “behavior issues” what could be causing it? Are there issues at home that is causing the acting out behavior? Things that happen at home can roll over to school and cause issues there as well. Some kids however who are struggling at home thrive at school because of the routine school provides.

Then there are kids struggle with worrying about if they will have the things they need to start school. They worry about having nice clothes and shoes so they feel like they fit in with their peers. For many kids that feel this way, this is a big worry that needs to be addressed and have a plan for them to have what they need.

Start your kids off on the right foot to have a successful school year. Don’t set them up for failure. Also, if you are struggling with getting things for your kids for school do not be afraid to reach out. Many schools and communities have back to school collections to help families who may need the extra boost. If you and your family can help with one of these drives by donating supplies for kids going back to school, please do so. When you do, you are making an investment in a kid’s future and helping to set them up for success!

Dear Jesus...People are a Hot Mess!

Dear Jesus, People are a Hot Mess!

Being the hands and feet of Jesus can be dirty. Matter of fact it can be down-right messy. You may get dirty, literally! You may be broken, abused and used! Are you willing to take the risk? Helping others is not an easy job whether you do it as a “profession” or “ministry,” or whatever term you want to use.

Some people just want to use who ever they can, when they can to get by in life. I am not saying to not help these types of people, but set your boundaries very clear and do not give in! They will burn you out so fast and put a really bad taste in your mouth for ever wanting to try to help someone again! Do not be surprised if they get mad at you the minute you tell them no. This isn’t your issue to worry about. It is theirs.

Some people know they need help and are willing to receive it. They are willing to take whatever help they can get and are more than grateful for the helping hand. Those are the people who are easy to help and make your job easier, in some ways. These are the people who you may tend to worry about the most.

Then there are people who you feel like you have to drag kicking and screaming the whole way. And you think “why am I doing this?” Well, why are you? Maybe they don’t want your help. Maybe they are not ready for it. Maybe they don’t seem to think they have a problem with their actions. These are the people that you as the helper may need to back off and let them fall flat on their nose!

If you are putting more effort into helping them then they are in helping themselves, there is a problem! Sometimes a big one! You may be doing more harm then good!  If you are a people person and want to help who ever you can, you need to know your limits.

You are not Jesus. You only have so much energy and effort you can give to a person or situation. There comes a point when helping others that you may need to take a step back and evaluate what you are doing. It is true there are times that things are not about you as a person. Jesus is calling you to help someone and giving you the resources to do so. These are the times that you can see fruit in your effort.

So, how do you help someone in need? Well, myself as a professional I have a list of community resources and networks of other professionals I can call to back me up. This helps me out in times when I know I have a client who needs food or clothes, or some other basic need. I can give them numbers or call on their behave and find out information to help meet that need.

For someone who is not a trained professional, this may be more of a struggle. You want to reach out and help the hurting and the lost. Get connected with your church and find out if there is someone in your church who may know how to help someone who can give you some guidance and direction. If this is not something that you can find through someone else, google it! See what resources are available in your area. This is how I created my list. I have a spread sheet in a binder that I use to keep this information handy. I then do my best to update the information about once a year.

Jesus called us to seek and save the lost, broken, and helpless, but He also warned up to be as wise as serpents and as innocent as doves. So be wise in the ways you help others. Be prepared to get dirty or down-right messy in the process! You know the saying you can tell how much fun you had by how dirty you get! So, go have fun and serve!

Busy Little Learners

Busy Little Learners

Letters, numbers, shape, colors, animals, these all seem to be basic learning concepts, right? Well, we all learned them somewhere. Who taught you? A parent? A grandparent? A teacher? Early childhood is prime time for learning. Little minds are constantly busy and moving! Why not use that to their advantage?  Helping your little one learn is one of the most important things you can do as a parent. This can be very overwhelming to some parents.

Where do I start? How do I do this? What if I mess up? Well, first there is room for error. Helping your child learn can be fun for you and them. There are many free to low cost ways to help your child learn. Children are naturally wanting to learn, so bonus!

How do you start? Well, with basic things like having a routine for them helps. Setting aside time each day or as many as you can.  You can do things like read together, do learning activities like puzzles, letters, numbers, and so on. These skills are important at a young age. Make games to help your young one learn. I find many fun games and activities on Pinterest. Many of the things I find can be made out of things around your home or things that can be purchased cheap at the dollar store or a craft store.

You can even get little bags with these simple activities in to help keep them organized. If you have the space you can create a learning area for you child to help them learn better. They feel like they have a space that is all for them. This helps prepare them for school by learning to sit for a few minutes at a time. It also helps with learning to listen and follow directions.

It is becoming more and more important that our little ones begin learning at a young age. Also, little ones understand that learning is important and can be fun! Pick activities and games which you feel your child will enjoy. Make several different things so they can have a choice and switch things around so they don’t become bored. You could even have them help you make some of the activities as well.

By also helping your child learn you get to influence their learning at a very young age. Plus, you as a parent or grandparent can help build your bond between you and your little one. It gives you and your little one a structure time to spend together each day. Then at some point once they can do the activities on their own they and do them for themselves. This could potentially help you have a little time to do things you need because you know your little is busy doing something.  And your little one has their self esteem boosted because they have learned to do something on their own! How cool is that?!

Little People Big Dreams

Little People…Big Dreams!

What do you want to be when you grow up? Kids are asked this question all the time. Part of childhood is the act of growing up. We ask kids what do they want to be, but do we as adults actually listen and take them seriously?

Yeah, sure you may get some silly answers, a clown, a cowboy, an artist, and so on. But what makes those ideas silly? Most kids eventually figure out what they want to be. Some kids know from the time they are young they want to work with animals or help people.  

Some people including children have a natural gift for things like art or music. Let them go after that. Let them try it out. Please don’t tell them that they can’t do something, just because you don’t understand it. Ask them why they want to do those things or how they want to do those things. Let them educate you in order to learn what they think fits them best.

For me personally I wanted to be a teacher. From a young age I knew I wanted to work with children. I started my college career out as wanting to be a teacher. I then was introduced to counseling and felt God calling me in that direction. I still ended up working with children, just in a different way.

Let kids “research” and check out different types of jobs. Let kids no matter if they are a boy or girl check out jobs in different areas and help them decide what is right for them. Let them test the waters with different jobs. They could job shadow you or someone else to get an idea of what different jobs are like. Or they could go visit places like a police station, a fire house, or a hospital for a tour to get an idea of what those places are like.

Let your kids dream big! Don’t tell them something can’t be done. If you are unsure if it will be something they can make a living at, let them make that choice not you. We seem to discourage kids who want to be an actor or an artist or the latest one is a video game programmer. Why do we do this? Well, you as a parent are concerned if they will make a living at it.

How will your kids know if they don’t try? Anything they want is within their reach if they are encouraged and feel supported. Also, if they want to do a vocational job like welding, let them! Those jobs are in high demand and pay well. Not every person is a school person. Some kids struggle with school and love doing physical labor every day. They work hard and make an honest living so why not?

Dreams do come true if you try and put in the work. Who said dreams are easy? They just need to be possible. As a parent or adult help children make their dreams possible. Be supportive and listen to their choices and ideas. Try not to discourage their ideas.

Kids get enough discouragement in their lives, please don’t add to it. Be their cheering section. Not just at a ball game, also in their game of life.

What's Next?

What’s Next?

It is that time of year again. That’s right, graduation! Many are so excited to be done with school! They feel accomplished and ready to move on. They have plans for a bright future! The last few years seem like a blur to parents. Their baby has grown up and is moving on to the next phase in life.

How can we support these newly graduated students? We can offer support, advise, suggestions, a listening ear and so much more. What do we do when these young adults now feel like the now know everything about life, other then laugh and roll our eyes? Are they going to mess up? Yes! Do we help? Yes.

Some parents feel that once their child reaches eighteen their “job” as a parent is done. I hate to break it to you. Your “job” as a parent is never done. Your child will always be your child. Just because they hit this magic number of eighteen doesn’t mean they are grown up. They still have things to learn, and they need to learn from someone, so why not you?

Then there are the young adults who have graduated, barely! What about them? Well, they still need to learn to be an adult. They need help learning life skills, like finding a job, getting an apartment, managing their money and all the other “fun” things that come with being an adult.

Whether your child goes on to college or not they still need to learn how to do this thing called being an adult. They need to learn how to pay bills, manage their money, find a job, make good choices. They may not come and ask you as their parent for help, but they need it. They may try to figure it out for themselves, which let’s face it, most of the time ends badly!

What about those who are making this transition into adulthood without parents to help? Yes, those kids who have parents who are not in their lives. Well, wouldn’t it be nice to have a caring older adult in their lives who can help them with this transition? An aunt or uncle, grandparent, a friend’s parent, or other mentor. These kids need someone!

Just because they have hit eighteen doesn’t mean that they are not scared about their future and what it holds. Especially if they have to do it alone. It is easy to work with these young adults? Most of the time, no. They struggle, and argue and fight, and do stupid stuff! They do not need judgment from you, they need someone to love them no matter what. Someone some of these young adults may have never had!

So, as you look at all the graduating students, reach out to those who may be struggling and offer your help and guidance. Will, they accept? Maybe!

Has Your Child's 'Tude Turned Rude?

Has Your Child’s ‘Tude Turned Rude?

We can all have an attitude from time to time. Why are kids any different? We all have bad days or things that are bothering us, adults and kids alike. Sometimes we need help to bring ourselves back into reality.

Have you been out in public and your child has said something so rude that you just want to crawl under a rock? What do you do? How do you handle it? You may need to help your child rephrase something so that it isn’t so bold or blunt. Kid’s need to learn to have filters too. This is a matter of redirecting or guiding your child to say something in a kinder way. This needs to have a learning curve involved before punishment happens.

Then there are times when your child very much has an attitude and they are being down right rude to you or others and they know it. How do you handle that without you know, being rude back? You have thoughts like, “You totally know better then that!”

Yes, your child’s attitude needs to be put in check. Yes, there needs to be a talk about saying things in a kind way and not being rude on purpose. But, also remember, just like we adults, your child may be stressed about something or someone has been rude to them and they are acting out.

Have a talk with your child about what may be bothering them. Asking what their day was like. Maybe there is something going on at school like teasing or bullying. This could very easily cause someone to lash out or be rude. Maybe they are stressed about something else?

Now, yes, their attitude needs to be put back into check. They should not be allowed to be rude to someone. Do a little investigative work and find out what is happening in your child’s life to cause this type of reaction.

Then there are times when kids get an attitude with you just because you told them “no.” This is where you as a parent need to correct the behavior the best you can. Kids know how to push parents’ buttons so well that they can even do it in their sleep. This is the type of behavior that needs to be addressed on a regular basis. It is a sign of showing disrespect that needs to be ended before it becomes a big problem.

It could be helpful to find a good family therapist to help you with this. Someone who is neutral and who can talk to both parent and child to help work out the issues that are causing the attitude. As a therapist I have parents tell me all the time that they can say the exact same thing I did and their child listens to me but not them. The difference? I am not their parent. I don’t not have authority in their lives, and if they hear it from someone else they realize that what they are doing is not right.

Kids and teens will forever have attitudes that will make the most confident parent irritated and embarrassed. The trick is communicating with your child and trying to get to the bottom of the problem, even if that needs seeking professional help.

Trauma Brings Out the Drama

Trauma Brings Out the Drama

Childhood trauma is one of the hardest things to deal with as a child or an adult. When I say trauma what do you think of? Maybe abuse, illness, a death, divorce. Trauma is something that is a life altering event of which affects your day to day functioning.

Depending on the person trauma can affect them very differently. It depends on many variables. What types of supports does the person have? It also depends on the age of the child when the trauma happened. There are stages of child development that are more affected by trauma then others. It also depends on how long the trauma has happened.

So, what kinds of drama happen? Well, just about anything. Behavior issues like temper tantrums, acting out, being constantly fearful, learning issues, having a hard focusing, and so on. Some kids become withdrawn and very quiet. They may hide out in their room, not talk much, not wanting to do the things they used to like to do, and just over all seem bummed out.

Some kids who have experienced trauma have a hard time with boundaries. Some children don’t trust adults well so they are very cautious of who they trust and talk to. This includes hugging and other forms of physical touch. They are scared to be close to adults because adults have hurt them or not protected them. I always make sure to ask a kid if they want a hug before I hug them. It will take time for a child to trust an adult after they have been hurt. Try not to push them for force them.

Some kids go the other way with boundaries and they have none or very poor boundaries. They talk to whoever they want and hug and touch people in ways that can be very uncomfortable. They do not understand when you tell them not to do something or that they are making someone uncomfortable. Some kids just need to be taught what boundaries are and how to have them. This is usually what resolves this issue.

The reason that trauma brings out the drama is because someone who has had trauma, they become triggered and they just react and they go into survival mode. They are trying to protect themselves from being hurt again. It becomes a fight or flight reaction. Kids who do this may just have a meltdown about something that may seem so small, but to them is a really big deal.

How we help someone through this is very important. Their feelings need to be recognized and validated. Also, letting them sometimes just cry and let their feelings out is also important. They are hurt and upset, allow them to feel what they feel. Their feelings are not wrong. They are their feelings.

You are the adult or support person feel helpless because you just want to fix their hurt. You can’t make the hurt go away. You can be supportive and listen when they need to talk. Kids are also learning to regulate their feelings and so they need to be taught how to do this in a healthy way.

Also, part of the drama can be parents trying to protect their child from further trauma by setting boundaries with others who have had a part in the trauma. This can bring stress to you and your child, but understand this is part of dealing with boundaries, and protecting a vulnerable person. As the parent it is your job to keep your child safe from harm. Part of that protection is from mental and emotional harm.

Parents and other adults just want to protect their child who has experienced trauma. They want to make sure that their child is not hurt like that again. While this is a good idea and can be done, also remember that you can’t protect your child from everything. If your child has experienced trauma please make sure that you connect them with a child therapist who can help them deal with the trauma now so that hopefully by the time they are adults the trauma and triggers are much less.

  

For The Love of a Child

For the Love of a Child

Imagine just for a moment, you are a child again. Your parent is lying on the couch passed out. You try your hardest to come in the door and not wake them, because you know if you do you will get in trouble. You try to sneak into your room without being noticed. Your parent wakes up from their slumber and they see you. You just freeze and stand as still as you can. You hope and pray they just let you walk on by. But, no you are not so lucky. They begin to yell at you over the littlest of things. If you say anything back or even give a look you are at risk for getting hit.

If you have younger siblings you try your best to protect them from also being hurt. You feel helpless and hopeless. You are afraid to tell because you have in the past and have paid the price! You end up having to care for your siblings and you get blamed for their mistakes too.  

No child deserves to be hurt or hit. It doesn’t matter what they have done or not done. When an adult abuses a child, they are causing more then physical harm. They are causing emotional and mental harm as well. Physical hurt lasts a short time, but the mental and emotional scares last a life time and can carry into so many parts of an abused child’s life.

April is National Child Abuse Awareness Month. Part of my job is to keep children safe. I have seen first hand what abuse can do to a child. They are afraid all the time. They trust no one. They are so scared to talk that sometimes they do what ever they can to avoid talking about home or their abuser.

How can we help these children who are being hurt? Stand up for them! They don’t have a voice. They are scared and helpless. It is our job as caring adults to take a stand for children who are being hurt and abused or neglected.

How can you tell if a child may be the victim of abuse? Well, first if they tell you. They are telling you a big secret and they are trusting you with it that you will help them. Second, a fear of going home. If they child you are talking to never seems to want to go home or they make excuses to stay with you then that is a red flag.

If you see marks that are in the shape of something on their bodies, like a cord, finger or grip marks, lots of bruises in multiple stages of healing, or their story of the injury doesn’t match the injury. They are trying to cover up the story because they are scared.

When a child or teen comes to you to tell them of abuse, please I beg you, don’t tell them you will keep it a secret. You need to report it to the authorities immediately! If the parent is not the abuser then you need to talk with the parent to make them aware of the situation. If the child is afraid to tell their parent then figure out why they are scared. Try not to ask a lot of questions of the abuse. Get just enough information to know the situation then make a report to Child Protective Services and/or the police.

As someone who works with children it breaks my heart to think someone is purposely hurting a child. I take my job very seriously when it come to protecting and helping children. My client kiddos know if they tell me they are being hurt that I will help them the best way I can.

I am a mandated reporter, are you? If you work with children in some way then you are! This includes on a volunteer bases. This also includes pastors and clergy. Please take this seriously. A child’s life could be at stake! If you don’t know how to make a report then ask someone who you know is a mandated reporter. They can help you! You may be this child’s only way out of a bad situation.

Teen Substance Use and Trauma

Teen Substance Use and Trauma

We all know teens who have tried drugs or alcohol at one time or another. There are many reasons or theories as to why teens use drugs or alcohol or even try it to begin with. The reasons vary from peer pressure to a way to cope with life. Children or teens see their parent use alcohol or drugs as a way to cope with life stressors and so they believe this is normal. They are not taught there is different and better ways to deal with stress or life issues then using alcohol or drugs. Teens see the only way to deal with life is to use.  

Another major reason teens use alcohol or drugs is trauma. Trauma could mean different things. Trauma is when someone has a life altering crisis happen that effects how they view life around them. This could be something as drastic as sexual abuse or assault to a parents’ divorce or witnessing or experiencing some kind of violence. What many teens and adults try to do is use alcohol or drugs to cover up the negative feelings of the trauma they have experienced. It is a way to cope.

Why this it is such a problem of course is because then teens become addicted. Then they have another problem on top of the trauma. Some teens can go through one trauma or multiple and not have any drug or alcohol use issue. This I believe comes from having supports to help them through the trauma and deal with it in a healthy way. While other teens do not have these supports or resilience in order to not begin to use. There are many factors that play into this equation.

If they choose to use then they of course usually have more problems on top of the trauma. There are legal issues, school, peers, friends, family, and the list goes on. Teens who have experienced trauma want to hide the problem. They do not want to deal with the negative feelings. For some it is better to get high then to deal with the pain of the trauma.  They want to appear “normal” and fit in with their peers.

So as a parent how do you know if your child or teen has experienced a trauma or multiple traumas? Well or starters be aware of who they are spending time with. Try to have open communication with your child or teen. Explain to them at an early age what healthy coping skills are and what is not healthy. Remind your child or teen that drinking or using drugs is not a healthy way to cope with life’s problems. Help your child or teen healthy ways to deal with stress so when it comes they can at least try to deal with it in a healthy way.

Watch for signs of depression in your teens. Things to look for is if they are withdrawing more than normal, dropping grades, change in sleep or eating patterns, withdrawing from friends. If there are major life events going on in your family or in your teen’s life be aware of how these things, like a divorce are effecting your children and teens.

Things like divorce last longer than the initial break up and divorce. There are still stressors, many of them ongoing for a while after the divorce. Be aware of what is happening when they are with their other parent. Children or teens that have been through a divorce have to deal with blended families, holidays, school and life events, and can sense tension between their parents. This causes great stress for these children and teens. 

This is true of other traumas too. There is the initial traumatic event, but the effects can last for years to come if not for a life time. To best help your child or teen is to help them deal with the trauma they have experienced in a healthy way. This would be done by getting mental health services, talking about feelings, acknowledging the issue and problem solving. Starting this from the beginning of the traumatic event will hopefully help your child or teen learn to cope with stress the right way.

If this is not done, if a child or teen is not allowed to express themselves or given a chance to talk things out, then they are more likely to turn to using substances to deal with way they feel. They see using substances as a way to numb or forget the problem. The problem is of course is still there. It doesn’t go away. Then the teen tries harder and harder to forget the problem. So they use more and more. It becomes a cycle.

Also, remember your teen is watching the adults around them to see how they handle life’s problems. So, parents do you drink when you are stressed? Do you drink around your children or teen? Do you talk about drugs and alcohol use to your children? How old do you start these talks? Live by example with your children. 

Part of helping a teen with substance use issues is getting to the bottom of the problem. Why they use. For many teens this is painful because they have buried it for so long. So, how do we help these teens?

Well, for starters we help them figure out why they use to begin with. There is a reason they are using. Then helping them deal with that reason or reasons, and then helping the teen learn new, healthier ways of coping with stress and life in general. They will most likely need help with finding new supports, friends, job, school, and so on. Hopefully this can all be done before they get into too much trouble with courts, school or other authorities.

But, sadly for many teens they have been using longer than their parents realize. They have become addicted and need serious help to overcome their drug use issue.  This will involve lots of supports and helping services and care for these teens. For many teens it could take many times of failing to figure out they actually have a problem. They have the mindset they do not have a problem or they want to fit in and “be cool” with their peers. They usually end up in the court system because they have gotten in trouble.

As a parent it is important to acknowledge that your teen has a problem. If you as the parent ignore the problem then your teen will think it is okay and continue. Just because your teen has a drug or drinking problem does not mean you failed as a parent. What it does mean is that your teen and your family need help. Asking for help is the first step in the right direction. Don’t be afraid to make that step! Your teen’s life could depend on it!

Teens use alcohol and drugs for many reasons. Knowing what those reasons are can be very helpful to you and the children and teens around you. Teaching children and teens how to cope with life stressors is the first step in preventing a substance use problem to begin with. As well as being aware of what is going on in your children’s lives and if something has happened to them seeking the right services to help your child or teen cope with the trauma and pain they have suffered.  

Substance Abuse and Family Counseling

Substance Abuse and Family Counseling

When someone in the family uses substances whether it is drugs or alcohol, their substance use affects everyone in the family. The whole family suffers and plays different roles for the substance user. Whether they are enabling, or in denial that there is even a problem, or trying to just get through each day, everyone is affected.

Often times it takes many times and many things to happen before then substance user come to the point of truly wanting or being forced to get help. It may come to their spouse leaving with the children, the children being removed from the home by Child Protective Services (CPS), or for some other legal issue to arise like jail time. Everyone has their own rock bottom point.

In the case of the substance abuser being a teen, the parents may have the feeling that their child would not have a problem, or the parent uses too so they all think this is normal, or they may be in total shock and not sure what to do. The family members may be trying to figure out where to get help and how to get help not only for the substance user but for the family as a whole.  

The bottom line is the substance user is at the point of needing to seek counseling. They may even have it forced on them by the judicial system. In other words, they are mandated by the courts to seek counseling for the addiction. Usually this happens after they have gotten in trouble with the law.

Coming from the point of view of Family Systems Theory, the whole family needs to be involved in the counseling process. There are reasons their family member is using drugs or alcohol and those reasons effect each member individually as well as the family as a whole. These things need to be worked out in therapy not only for the substance user but the individual members of the family.  

If it is the case of a parent with substance use problems, the children and spouse are probably very hurt and angry. There are most likely issues of trust, or lack thereof, in the family because the substance user has lied or manipulated other family members. These are all issues that need to be addressed in family counseling. Children need to be able to express themselves in a safe place to their parents what they think and feel.

Part of my case load is working with the children and teens of substance users. These children are hurt and angry. They know what their parent is doing is not okay, but they are children so they don’t know what to do about it. They are stuck. In some cases children are taken away from their substance using parent and live someplace else because their parent or parents just can’t get it together to take care of them properly. These children get placed in foster care or go live with another family member.

Some children end up with the sober parent and they are trying to figure out what to do next. They again know what their parent is doing is not okay, but yet their parent still “chooses” alcohol or drugs over their family or children. Children feel neglected, angry, scared, and frustrated. 

The spouse needs to be able to express their feelings about how the substance use has affected the family. Counseling the family as a whole is an important part of restoring the family unit.  For some couples the best thing to help is marriage counseling to help figure out what to do and how to handle the substance use and other issues. For a couple to have marriage counseling to help restore the relationship and help support the substance user is just as important as family counseling.

In the case of teens that use, parents need to take a step back and realize that their teen is in serious trouble. The teen needs support and love in order to recover from their substance use issue. Parents need to realize their role in their teen’s recovery and what parents can do to help their teen. This could be change in rules, consequences, in general being held accountable for their actions.

Teens usually have reasons to use, like any substance user. Teens usually are trying to cover some kind of hurt or pain in their lives. If this is the case, your teen needs counseling not only for the substance use but also for the hurt and pain in their life. When I counsel teens I include the parents in the counseling process.  I as a therapist can only do some much to help a teen in my office once a week. They need tools they can use at home too. Then they need parents that will help them when they want to use in order to cope with a stressor.

Many believe the reason teens use is peer pressure. While this is true to a point, teens develop a substance use issue to cover some kind of trauma, divorce, abuse, low self-esteem, bullying, and so on. Teens want to fit in and pretend that everything is “normal.” The job of a counselor is to help them with the underlying issues and hopefully help with the substance use issue as well. The most effective way to do this is to involve the parents and other family members. 

While counseling for individual family members is important and needed, counseling for the family as a whole is also needed. The family needs to talk all together about issues and work things out together as a family unit. There may be things that the substance user isn’t even aware that happened that need to be worked out, or family dynamics that are not healthy that needs to change to make the family function better.

The sibling needs to be able to express to their sibling substance user how they feel about their substance use. A parent needs to hear the hurt that was caused by the parent to their child during a drunken fit. A parent needs to hear from their substance using teen why they use, even if that reason is because their parents got a divorce.

In order for the family to be made whole again, the family as a whole need to talk out issues that cause the substance use. They also need to talk out the issues caused by the substance use, divorce, financial problems, fighting, neglect, hurt feelings and so on. Until this happens there will continue to be problems in the family.

The key is finding an appropriate therapist or group of therapists that can work with the individual family members as well as the family as a whole. As well as helping the family to plug into resources in order to have complete care and recovery for every family member. Finding a therapist that not only understands substance addiction but also family dynamics is what would work best. As frustrating as it may be to have a family member who abuses substances, still understand your family as a whole needs help and to not be afraid to reach out to get the help that is needed.

Marijuana Use During Pregnancy

Marijuana Use During Pregnancy

We all know how important it is for expectant mothers to be the healthiest they can be during pregnancy. Whether the pregnancy is planned or not to be healthy not only for themselves but also their unborn child is of utmost importance. Whatever a pregnant woman exposes her body to, also affects her unborn child. So, if during pregnancy a woman uses marijuana her unborn, developing baby also uses marijuana. The chemical THC found in marijuana can cross over the placenta very easily. So when the mother uses marijuana so does the baby growing inside of her.

We know that using pretty much any sort of drug, including over the counter drugs, and alcohol can cause damage to the baby growing inside of an expectant mother. Even smoking cigarettes during pregnancy can cause things like low birth weight and birth defects. So, using marijuana in any form can cause permanent damage to an unborn baby.

There isn’t much for long term effects of THC on babies, but what is known is that it can effect their brain development including their cognitive abilities. Like alcohol, marijuana use during pregnancy can cause many problems that will follow your baby throughout their life time.

What is known, is on a long term basis marijuana use during pregnancy can affect a child or an adult from a mental health perspective. Someone, who has had a mother who uses marijuana during pregnancy can develop a list of mental illness issues. They can have ADHD, depression and even addiction later in life for these babies born to mothers who used marijuana during pregnancy. 

It affects everything in a baby. Think of how a baby develops and grows in the mother and what could happen to a baby once they are born of a mother who used marijuana during pregnancy. Many studies say that one of the biggest issues is low birth weight and the baby spending time in the NICU. The problem is there is not much research to say what other things may happen or would happen to a baby whose mother used marijuana during their pregnancy. Researchers have yet to determine if how marijuana is used, smoked, eaten, or some other form has any effect on what happens to a baby.

Some women who used marijuana prior to becoming pregnant believe that marijuana will not affect their baby and some even have the feeling or belief that marijuana use while pregnant can actually help their baby. This is just not the case. The use of any drug can cause problems for an unborn baby. Just because a drug is “legal” does not make it safe. We know that alcohol has many effects on a baby and alcohol is legal.

Marijuana is something that is very controversial. Marijuana slows your thought process. It affects your brain. Marijuana effects what you do. You do get high. Yes, some pregnant women believe that it can help with morning sickness. But, your doctor can give you a medication that could help with morning sickness or nausea that is proven to be safe for you and your baby. There just isn’t enough known about the use of marijuana during pregnancy to be able to know that marijuana would not harm your baby or what it could do to your baby. 

­­­­­The end point being is that there is just not enough to make firm findings on marijuana and unborn babies. The problem with this comes that because there isn’t enough to go off from; that expecting mothers would continue to use marijuana believing that it would not harm their unborn baby. My thinking on this is, why risk it?

We know that alcohol, cigarettes, heroin, cocaine, or really any other drug can cause major harm to an unborn child, including too much caffeine. So, why run the risk? Why put yourself or your baby in harm’s way? Babies are so little and helpless, wouldn’t you as a mother want to do everything in your power to protect them?

I understand that for many people smoking marijuana in general is something that they enjoy and is part of their life on a regular basis. But, let’s look at that idea in general. Is smoking marijuana a healthy choice to begin with? Smoking marijuana is just not a good idea. Why? Well, you can become addicted for starters. It can lead to using other drugs that are just as harmful if not worse. It lowers your inhibitions and can make you vulnerable to harm whether at the hands of someone or you harming yourself in some way. It is along the same likes as getting drunk. You loose control of your thinking and the choices you make can be compromised to where you can be at risk of getting hurt whether intentionally or not.

I understand the need to relax and destress. But, if you need a chemical to do this then there is a bigger problem here. Being pregnant and not smoking marijuana because of being pregnant may be a good chance to learn some new coping skills to reduce your stress level. Finding a new outlet that is safer than using marijuana, I would think would be a good idea at this stage in your life.

The reason being is that as a new parent, you are going to be stressed. You are going to need to find ways of adjusting to having a tiny infant to take care of. This is a scary thing. So, the best way to handle it is to find some supports around you. Maybe even some new supports if what is around you are people that regularly use marijuana. So, finding a parenting group that have healthy members, making new friends, finding new ways of coping with stress in a healthy way so that as you go forward into parenthood you can handle it better.

Are you going to be the perfect parent? No, but I am thinking that you can function better without using marijuana. Using marijuana helps you relax, so what can you do instead that would help you relax? Take a look at your resources and see what you can do to not only improve your life but also the life of your baby. If you need help quitting marijuana use then find yourself a good counselor who can help you do this in a healthy way. You and your baby deserve it.

Just Say No Mom and Dad

Just Say No Mom and Dad

Growing up we have all heard the phrase “just say no” when it comes to using drugs and alcohol. This is what we continue to tell our kids as they may be tempted or pressured by friends or peers to use or try alcohol and drugs. This is all well and good for kids and teens, prevention is a huge part of keeping kids and teens from using, but, what about parents?

Some adults seemed to have missed the whole “just say no” speech. They have used since they were growing up or they have developed a substance abuse issue as adults. They try to justify their actions by saying that it is ok in some way. Why is it okay for parents and adults to use but not kids? I am sure many wonder that logic, including kids. Drugs and alcohol abuse are just as bad for adults as kids and teens.

How does this affect kids and teens with their parent’s relationships? Well, for starters parents are seen as hypocrites and kids and teens think that using is okay because parents do it. Parents are to lead by example. What kind of example is it for parents to use and then say to their kids to not use? A very poor one.

When one or both parents use drugs and alcohol the children in the house suffer. Their basic needs most of the time go unmet. Many parents who have substance abuse problems struggle to find and keep a job. Things like food, shelter, schooling, clothes, all go to the way side and are replaced by the parent’s need to get high. Many times, children are removed from the parent because of abuse and or neglect issues. The other thing that happens is children are just flat up abandoned by the parent who uses. The drug or alcohol becomes much more important than the children.

Children are left to other family members to be cared for because the addiction of drugs and alcohol is so much bigger. Then there are the things that go along with using drugs and alcohol. Adults who may not be the safest are coming in and out of the home for example. Parents who are using also are usually unstable and they tend to bounce from living situation to living situation bringing their kids along for the ride.  

This can create all sorts of issues for children. They are exposed to abuse, poverty, unstable home life, poor education because of lack of involvement from the parent, being homeless, a parent going to jail and so much more. This is the point where usually Child Protective Services becomes involved and the children are removed and placed with a family member or in foster care.

This can open a whole new batch of problems for the children and the parents. Once Child Protective Services becomes involved it can be very hard for the children and parents. Many times, parents who are using do not want to change their behavior.  So, children end up not being able to go back with their parent. This can cause all kinds of mental health issues for the children involved.

This is where a good child therapist can help. Children need to understand that the choices their parent has made is not the child’s fault. For many children this is hard to understand. They do not understand how drugs and alcohol can be so much more important than them.  This is so heartbreaking to watch as someone in a caring profession.

How do we as caring adults try to help these children? Be supportive, listen, let them be angry! They are grieving a loss of a very important relationship. Helping children understand that mom or dad have serious issues and that they need help and until mom and dad are ready for help there isn’t much anyone can do. This is very hard for adults to accept let alone children. Children of addicts love their parent but also struggle with the hurt that comes along with being a child of an addict.

If the children are not taken from the parent with the addiction issues this strange dynamic is created where the children become the caregivers of the parent and the other children in the home. This can also create all kinds of issues because these children are not allowed to be normal children. They are put in the position of being a caregiver at a very young age. While their peers are out playing and going to dances and ball games they are home caring for a parent or sibling.

The other thing that takes place is teens tend to leave home at an early age and “couch surf” because they don’t want to deal with home life any more. For many teens this creates a whole different set of issues, poverty, dropping out of school, abuse, violence, drugs, sex, and so much more.

I have worked with children of addicts of all ages. I have seen the effects first hand. To me as a professional it is heartbreaking! How do we help? You may not be able to reach the parent but try to reach the children. Offer a listening ear, and support. These children need adults in their lives that are stable and can help them navigate through life to better themselves.

Being an Only Can Be Lonely

Being and Only Can Be Lonely

I grew up an only child. Yes, there were times it was great to have all my toys and stuff to myself. It was nice to not have to share. But, there were draw backs too.  Being an only child can be a very lonely thing. Having a sibling to play with or do things with was something I missed and still do. I have many friends and cousins to do things with and we treat each other like siblings.

Only children have a stereo type of being selfish, not willing to share, being spoiled, they want their own way, and so on. Only children who are raised like this have many problems as they grow up and become adults. They have a hard time working out issues with peers, they may have a hard time maintaining relationships, they struggle to look beyond themselves. They don’t understand why someone may be upset with something they did, and they have no idea how to make it right or what the issue even is.

Now there are some positive things from being an only child. Usually only children are very independent. Only children tend to be more mature then their peers. They also are used to talking with adults, so when they interact with a peer they may struggle with their peer’s lack of maturity. Only children tend to be closer to their parents because that is who they spend most of their time with. They can do things on their own and it doesn’t bother them, but on the other side of this is they can also be lonely. It is hard for them to reach out to others.  

My parents raised me in a way that I was taught to share and have proper social skills. I have many cousins who are around my age and we were raised like siblings. We would play, fight, and tease each other, but if you messed with one of us, oh man!  We have each other’s backs. We are still close to this day as adults. We hang out as friends and look forward to spending time together.

So as a parent of an only child, how do you help your child not be the “typical” only child? Well, let them have friends, cousins, and other peers to interact with. Get them involved in activities with their peers. Teach them to be independent. Help them to learn the proper way to resolve conflicts and to not be “bossy.” Basically, how to be a good friend. Teach them that it is okay to share with others and when it is appropriate to do so.

Sometimes kids want friends so bad that they are willing to give things away to make sure they have a friend. With the wrong peer this could be a big problem. Only children struggle with being bullied and being bullies both. They can come across as “bossy” and therefore turn their peers away with this behavior. This needs to be corrected too.

Also, allow your kids when they argue with a friend or peer let them try to resolve the problem themselves. This helps them to learn proper peer conflict resolution. This will help them as adults. They also need to work as a team and work with others no matter who they are.

Being an only child is not an easy gig. Sure, there are benefits, but it can still be lonely. Also, try to not put the “typical” stereotypes on an only child. Not all only children are “typical.” Many know how to make and maintain proper friendships.   Keep this in mind with your child makes friends with an only child.