Santa Can Help with Anxiety

Santa Can Help with Anxiety

 

Does your child struggle with anxiety? Do they have a hard time controlling their emotions? Could they benefit from a “cool down kit”? What goes in a “cool down kit”?

Well, this is how Santa can help! Santa can bring items for their “cool down kit.” These things could be quiet activities that help a child relax and calm themselves.

Ideas for a “cool down kit”:

Puzzles, art supplies, books, music, play dough, a journal, a special stuffed animal, bubble bath, lotion, and other such items.

As a parent you can help you child put their kit together after Santa brings these items and help your child learn when to use them. Keep them in a special place so that your child has easy access to them when they need them.

 The purpose of a “cool down kit” it to help your child learn how to calm themselves down when the get overly upset and anxious. The kit can also help when a child is just having a bad day all together and just needs to relax after a long day.

This can work for all ages of children and teens, just modify it for your child’s needs!

Merry Christmas!

Make Holidays Fun Again

Make Holidays Fun Again

One of the happiest times of year for children is Christmas and New Years. There are parties and plans to be made and traditions to look forward to but, for some children in becomes a big stressor. They worry whether they will be able to see both their parents. They worry if Santa will come to their house because they split time at both parents’ homes. They think more about their missing parent who may have passed away, be in jail or just left them.

Children from split homes may have to go between homes to fulfill the holiday schedule set by the judge. This gets confusing and stressful for all in involved. Kids may have to split their holiday break or even the holiday itself between parents, or they spend all the holidays with one parent this year.

How do we adults make this easier? Well, make your party arrangements around what your kids can do so they don’t feel left out. Adults, like grandmas, grandpas, aunts, and uncles need to understand and try to be as flexible as possible. Please do not as adults argue about the kids within ear shot of them. This is hard enough for kids, but being argued about, especially over the holidays, it just makes it worse.

Kids want to be with both parents over the holidays. They will most likely express missing their other parent at some point. Please validate this for them. Kids who end up going back and forth between homes sometimes feel rushed and feel like they never have enough time with their families.

Do not be surprised if there is more acting out behaviors or melt downs from your children. Do your best to listen. It will help them and you, understand what is going on. Reassure your kids that it will be okay. That Santa will come to both houses, that grandma and grandpa will see them, and over all that they are loved.

Also, there always seems to be one parent that does more with gifts at Christmas then the other. Please try to be equal with what you and the other parent does. Christmas is not the time to try to “buy” your child’s love. It only lasts for a short time until kids want something else. Try to put aside your differences during this time so your kids can enjoy their holidays with both parents. Kids will not remember years from now what they got for Christmas. What they do remember is what they did and then stuff they got.

Allow your kids to enjoy the holidays with both sets of parents. Help them to not feel rushed and hurry their way through the holidays. Help them to have fun and enjoy playing with their new toys and seeing family and friends. Let your kids enjoy playing with their new toys or doing holiday traditions with either parent.

Another group of kids who struggle with holidays are the ones who have had a parent who has passed away or is in jail. No amount of gifts are going to make this better or make the hurt go away. I would hope that you have your child in counseling and that your therapist can help your child work through this.

Children in this situation, no matter of when it happened still hurt. They miss their parent terribly and need to have their feelings validated. They must adjust to not having this person in their lives when they want them the most. Children who have an absent parent are grieving. That grief never goes away. This also applies to children who have had a parent leave or abandon them. Even if the parent has not died it is still a loss and a grief process and needs to be seen that way.

How do we help these kids? Offer a listening ear. Spend time making new and fun memories with them. Keeping them busy with fun things will hopefully help them make new memories. When they ask questions about their missing parent answer them the best you can. It is okay to cry too, because most likely you as the adult miss them too.

The next group of kids who struggle with the holidays are kids in foster care. They are away from their families. There may be very good reasons why they are in foster care, but the bottom line is they miss their parents no matter what has happened to them it still triggers them. They may worry whether they will get gifts or not or if they will be able to see their families at all. Most of the time when they can see their families is during a supervised visit at an agency office. This may seem uncomfortable because they are being watched by a worker, their time is limited, and it isn’t home.

There may be worry or scared feelings if kids will have to face the person who has abused them. They may be fearful to see their parents or families if someone has hurt them. We as adults also need to be aware of this. We need to do the best we can to help children feel safe even if that means that you do not go see parts of your family in order to keep you and your child safe physically and emotionally.

This is all a lot to think of when you have children with these issues in your lives. Time does help with the hurt, but be aware that sometimes the hurt can come up in very interesting and unforeseen ways. It is our job as adults to check in with the kids in our lives to help them feel safe while they have fun over the holidays. If you notice your child acting uncomfortable or not themselves this may be the time for a check in for you or their therapist.  

The Giving and Getting Season

The Giving and Getting Season

 

We are in “that” season of the year. The season of shopping and giving. Lots of family planning and activities to be done. Christmas plays and parties to attend. Cookies to be made and fun to be had. To watch a kid at Christmas is so fun because there is a magic to the season. We want that magic for every child.

What are your kids giving this year? Kids are automatically excited for Christmas. They look forward to telling Santa what they want for Christmas. They make sure their rooms are extra clean and they are extra good all month long. They want so many things it is hard to decide what to get them for Christmas. But, what are your kids GIVING this year?

Do they sort out the toys they don’t play with anymore to donate or better yet, do they pick out a new toy to give to a child in need? Christmas is about giving and getting both. Kids need to learn that it is just as fun to get a gift as it is to give one. If you don’t do this, please begin this as a tradition with your kids. Encourage your child to pick out something they would like to get as a gift to give to another child.  

We want to give gifts to our friends and family to show love. We want to give gifts to our children because we love them. What about the single mom who is barely making her bills? Her children deserve to know they are loved too. She WANTS to give gifts to her children, but she may not be able to. It is hard as a parent wanting to give to your child but not being able to. The single mom is worried not only about being able to pay the bills but also being able to give gifts to her children.

Take this time of year as a parent to teach about giving to others. Teach them about giving without expecting anything in return.  This lesson needs to be taught all year round. Christmas is not the only time of year to give. People struggle all year long.  Kids need to learn that life isn’t about getting stuff. It is about helping others in any way we are able.

This also may be a reminder for us adults too. Do we need all the stuff on the list? Is having the newest of everything really that important? Can we just be content with what we have and help others around us instead?

Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of if the season the true meaning gets lost. It isn’t about Santa coming to bring you gifts or getting more stuff. It is about a little baby named Jesus being a gift to the whole world. God sent us the perfect gift of salvation in the form of a baby, his son would save us from sin once and for all. That is a gift that will last into eternity.

What Are Your Little Turkeys Thankful For?

What Are Your Little Turkeys Thankful For?

I have been asking the kiddos in my life this question or the last few weeks. I get some very fun answers! On the cute side I get one little girl who is thankful for kittens. On the serious side I get things like God, family, friends, food, a new house, and so on.

One of the reasons I love working with kids is because of their innocence and the way they look at life. They see things in such a simple way. They look at the things around them and see what they have and count it as something to be thankful for.

One of my kiddos explained to me, in his family they each have a jar with their name on it. Each day they write on a piece of paper something they are thankful for and put it in the jar. Then on Thanksgiving they as a family are going to sit down and read what each other put in their jars.

One of the things I noticed when I asked the kids what they are thankful for was what they DIDN’T tell me. They didn’t say anything about stuff! They didn’t say video games or the newest toy. This shows to me that my little group of second graders in my Sunday School class have their priorities in line. They are thankful for what they have.

Now as we celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas think about what you as an adult are thankful for. Are you thankful for the same things as the young but mature kids? Are you thankful for your family, your friends, a house, clothes, food, a job, all the things God has blessed you with? What would you put in your jar?

Are you thankful for your kids? Do they know that you are? Yes, as a parent or caregiver your kids drive you crazy! But, do you tell them that they drive you crazy as much as you tell them that you are thankful for them? What about the rest of your family? Do you tell them that you are thankful for them? And not just at Thanksgiving or Christmas?

I am sure that many of you tell your kids that you love them regularly. But, one of the things I have learned in working with families is that not all kids do not get told regularly that they are loved. This holiday season let’s start a new tradition. Making sure that those who are in our lives all year long know they are loved and we are thankful for them. Just as my second graders know they are thankful for their families and friends, we as adults need to know the same thing.

Being the One Woman Show of Single Motherhood

Being the one Woman Show of Single Motherhood

Being a single mom seems to be more common than ever. Single moms struggle through their day and juggle many different things all at once. They are constantly busy with trying to keep everything going the way it should. There are so many things that are not in your control as a parent. Then adding the fact that you are parenting alone can make like down right difficult and stressful, or just out right chaos.

Your life feels like a circus and you are the ring master. You are trying to keep everything in control. In one ring you have your job, which for some women is not the best. The next ring you are trying to keep things together at home. Making sure the house work is done and the bills get paid. Of course, this is all on you because you are the only adult in the situation. Hopefully you have some helpful children who are old enough to help you with some of the chores around the house. Your other ring is your children, no matter if you have been a single mom for a short time or many years your kids are your focus. You worry about their education, health, peers, whether you are getting through to them and raising them to be responsible adults. The list seems endless.

It is hard for anyone to reach out for help, but for many single moms it is downright difficult. Single moms may have limited resources, or may not trust very many people. They have a hard time trusting because of past hurt not only for themselves but their children too. Also, for many single moms when they get to the point of having to reach out for help part of them feels like they have failed as a parent because they have to admit they can’t do it all. Sometimes single moms can’t do it all and that is okay.

I spent some time interviewing three single moms in various stages of being single moms. In my conversations with my three single mom friends they tell me some consistent things they struggle with. They all agree being both parents to their children is very difficult and stressful. Two of the moms I talked to have teen boys and they express needing a dad there to help with “guy stuff” like shaving, dating, and other issues that moms have a hard time relating to. Thankfully, these ladies have men in the lives of their children who have stepped in to assist when they need the help.

What I have seen with the girls I work with as a therapist, they struggle with feeling accept by men. These girls usually have an uncle or grandpa or step dad who can step in and do these things for them but for many girls it doesn’t feel the same. Single moms see their girls hurting and want to protect them. They also may have been raised by a single mom and the feelings they had when they were children come back in these situations. To some single moms it feels like they are reliving their childhood all over again through their children and experiencing the hurt all over again.

Another issue that was brought up was when having more than one child, spending time one on one with your children and finding something for the other child to do while you spend time with just one. Kids need that individual attention and being a single mom and being able to provide that can become a big challenge. One of the moms I talked to expressed feeling “guilty” for spending time with one child while the other may be doing something they really don’t want to be doing.

The next issue that was brought up by all three moms was protecting their children from getting hurt. And, in the case of being a single mom, many times it is a matter of protecting your children from their other parent. A mom wants nothing more than keeping their child safe from harm and many times that harm can come from the child’s father. In the conversations I had, I talked to my single mom friends about was trying to keep your child from getting hurt. As a single mom, it is all placed on you to protect your children. Part of this is encouraging your child to be open with you about hurts they may have.

Making decisions for your child on your own can be one of the most stressful things. What do you do when they are sick or hurt? How do I handle when they misbehave? The moms I talked to struggle with not having another person there to bounce things off from. They miss having someone there to tag team things and help with these issues. The thing single moms need to remember is they need to go with their gut, and need to trust their decision-making abilities.

These ladies shared with me some very wise advice about being single moms. Do not beat yourself up. All parents make mistakes. It will be okay. Take time for yourself and do not feel guilty about it. Do your best as a parent. There is no perfect parent and there is no perfect child. The dishes will always be there, your kids will not.

Also, as a child therapist I see children from single parent homes all the time. Please do not be afraid to reach out for help. There are resources out there for when things get hard. There are single mom support groups. There are other single moms who have gone through some of the same things as you have. You are not alone. You need to build your support system with people who can help you and be a positive asset to your team. You and your children both deserve the best and do not be afraid to ask for the best help when you need it and no matter how many times you need, do not be afraid to reach out  for help.   

A New Bundle of Joy

A New Bundle of Joy

 

New babies are a welcome addition to the family and bring lots of excitement. No matter how much you plan and how much support you have when that new little bundle of joy comes, having a new baby in the family is a huge adjustment. It means changes to routines and what happens in the household. It means changes for older siblings as well. Who takes care of them, and how.  

When a new sibling is added to the family, the older sibling usually feels left out or neglected in some way. This usually ends in hurt feelings and tears or temper tantrums. We have all heard stories of how an older sibling reacts to having a new brother or sister. Some of it is cute and picture worthy. Some of it not so much. Sometimes it can be very frustrating to parents and other caregivers.

Parents are constantly worried about the baby being woken up or in some other way disturbed. Older siblings become jealous or hurt because taking care of a new baby takes lots of mom and dad’s time. They usually feel left out in many ways. They may try to find ways of getting attention either positive or negative from mom and dad, their behaviors will change, and many times not for the positive. There will be things like older siblings doing naughty things when you are busy with baby to see if you notice. There may be anger or frustration, or meltdowns and tears from kids and adults!

So, how do parents help make this transition better? For starters, acknowledge your older child’s feelings. Saying things like “I can see you are upset.” “Do you want to talk about it?” Try not to get to frustrated with your child. They are just learning how to express their feelings and may not be aware of how they are feeling or how to label it. Sending time with older siblings as you are able, even just a few minutes to read a story or play a game. Get older siblings involved in caring for baby or being a “big helper.” Let older siblings feed baby, or hold baby, or help in some other way.

Also, setting boundaries with older siblings as to how to treat their new little brother or sister. Try not to yell or get angry. Calmly talk about being careful with baby as to not hurt them. Start having these talks before baby even arrives. There are many helpful children’s books on being a big brother or big sister.  Check your local bookstore or Amazon for some good ones. Even getting a baby doll and practicing with to learn to be big brother or sister how to care for baby nicely.  Young children learn through play so they can learn to be a good big brother or sister.

Involving the big brother or sister in decisions like what color to paint the babies room, or a theme for the baby’s room, let them pick out a gift for the baby. Talk about ways they can be helpful around the house. Give them “jobs” to do to help them feel included. Praise them for their efforts in helping, and thank them for their efforts. Make it a big deal if need be.

Some children may regress developmentally. Children who have been potty trained may regress and go back to diapers. They may take their baby brother or sister’s pacifier to use for themselves. It will be okay. They will go back to where they were. Most of the time when this happens it is to get some attention from mom or dad.

Be sure to use your supports not only for caring for baby, but also for helping with your older children. Having grandma, grandpa, auntie, or uncle there to help with other siblings can give a tired mom and dad some relief.  

If you are one of these supports try to make yourself available and be aware of what is going on. Call and check on them. Bring over a meal. Offer to help baby sit or help with housework to help the overwhelmed parents. Take older siblings for a fun activity to give a break to them and their parents.

It will be a few months of adjusting and setting a new “normal.” It will be okay. Try to have patience and know that the situation is temporary. Your kids will all adjust and so will you. New things in life always take time to get used to a new “normal.”  Soon everyone will fall into a new routine with baby, siblings, and mom and dad all together.

Help!...My Child Needs Help!

Help!...My Child Needs Help!

 

Does your child or teen seem to be withdrawn? Are they acting out? Do they seem angry and you are not sure why, or maybe you do? Has there been changes in their lives or in the life of your family? Does your child or teen seem to be struggling for no apparent reason? Are your child’s friends not the best? Are their school grades dropping?

If you answered yes to any of these questions or all of them it may be time to seek professional help for your child or teen. I know this is something that is scary for a parent because you feel helpless and you want your child to feel “better.”  

Trying to find the right help can be a challenge. Finding a therapist that can work with you and your child is the first thing. What is the therapist’s background? Do they understand and have experience with children and teens? How often can your child see them? Therapy needs to be consistent for it to be helpful.

Is the therapist’s office inviting for children and teens? Some things I do to make my office “kid friendly” is it is intently decorated to draw kids in, but, it is also to be therapeutic. I have a couch with stuffed animals on it for holding while we talk. My office is set up for play and art therapy. The biggest thing I have is a snack bucket. I fill it with healthy snacks, pretzels, Goldfish crackers, granola bars. It is hard to talk to a hungry kid.

So, how do you begin your search for a therapist? Ask your child’s doctor, talk to the school counselor, ask friends, talk to your pastor. They will have ideas and places to check out. Call more than one therapist. Ask them questions. This is your child’s mental health. It is as important as their physical health. You should feel that your child’s therapist makes your child a priority and your child should feel comfortable with them because the things they need to talk about is scary. They need to feel they can trust their therapist and you as a parent need to know that your therapist is going to work with you as the parent. If you do not get this feeling then keep looking. Do not settle for the first person you come across.

Who is in Your Tribe?

Who is in Your Tribe?

Who is in your tribe? Who do you trust? Who is part of your inner circle of friends? Who can you call in the middle of the night for help? Who can keep you accountable? Who will keep your secrets? Who do you trust with your life or better yet the lives of your children?

For some people these questions are easy to answer. They can list off a handful of people who have their backs no matter what. These are the people you call in case of an emergency. They can give you advice and guide and direct you even if it isn’t what you want to hear. They speak out of love for you.

For some people who is in your tribe may be more difficult. For some there may only be one or two people in their lives who are trustworthy. Their reasons can be a wide variety and can be very valid. They or their children by have been hurt badly by someone close to them. So to protect themselves they have learned to keep people at a distance.

So how do we determine who we let close to us? Some say family, which if you are lucky to have a close family then that is awesome. I am in that category that I know I can call family members and they will jump in and help no matter what. If you are blessed like me that is great! Then we have friends who have become like family. We trust them with a key to our houses, put them on the pick-up list for our kids at school, call in an emergency and you know that they will be there.

We have these people in our lives that began as friends and have proven themselves over and over that they can be trusted and are there to help with anything. They are not fare weather friends. They have been with you through some of the hardest parts of your life. The true test of friendship is what they do when there is a crisis either in your life or theirs.  Do they try to help, or do they leave or back off when you needed them the most?

How do we as adults help kids figure out who is in their tribe? Are their friends someone that you trust as a parent? Do their friends get them in trouble or do they behave and make your child a better person? How well do they get along? Do they fight all the time, or do they get along and play well together for the most part? Little arguments and misunderstandings are normal.

What do we do when we let someone into our tribe and then we find out that maybe we shouldn’t have? How do we get them out of tribe?  There will most likely be an event or string of events that take place that this friend will show who they really are. An argument, a crisis, boundaries that are repeatedly crossed. That feeling of being used over and over.

You may have to distance yourself from them. This can be a painful process. It is a break up of a relationship. You have invested time, energy, and other resources into this relationship. All kinds of negative feelings come along with this process. You may need to take them off your Facebook or other social media. You may have an awkward run in someplace public like the store. How do you handle this situation? Do you ignore them? Do you say hello? Do you walk the other way?

We need to be very aware of who we let close to us and our families. We need to listen to our gut and be aware of “red flags” that may come up. Try to address issues like boundaries being crossed as they come up. Yes, friends will argue and disagree. But true friends have your back and your best interests at heart.

What “red flags” are we looking for? Do they cross your boundaries repeatedly? Do they take a lot of your time and energy? Are they someone what takes the fun out of the relationship? Do they just want to complain and not change? Do you feel like you are being used for things like your time, energy, money, out of convivence?  If you have answered yes to these questions, then you may have to distance yourself from this person. And yes, these things can apply to your family members as well.

When you look at your tribe make sure that the ones who are in it are there for you and you are there for them. Friendship is a two-way street. If you enjoy their company and can spend lots of time with them and feel like you can trust them then they are safe people for you. But, do not rush this process! Do not let someone in your tribe after only a few times of hanging out together! These kinds of friendships take time to develop.

Protecting Our Monsters

Protecting Our Monsters

 

Trick or Treating is a fun thing that every kid wants to be able to do. But what about kids with special needs? The kid who is diabetic, or autistic, or has food allergies. What about these kids? Halloween trick or treating can become more stressful for them and their parents. Kids with sensory issues have a hard time with costumes or certain textures. Some kids don’t do well in big crowds. So how do we help these kids?

Have you seen the teal pumpkin? What does it mean? Well, it means that house or person has treats that are safe for kids with special needs. Look for these houses to take your little princesses and cowboys to for goodies and things just for them.

Also, as someone handing out treats remember these kiddos and pick things like pretzels, or some other healthy alternatives, or some fun little toys or pencils. This helps cut down on the amount of sweets kids get but they still have fun getting treats and fun stuff. Also, remember some kiddos my be afraid of people in masks. Just be careful how much you scare!

To help young kids or kids who struggle with big crowds, check into see what events are available in your area. Many places do a “trunk or treat.” What is “trunk or treat?” Well, cars line up in a parking lot and the kids and go around the parking lot to collect goodies from people who have been screened and approved by the organization who is hosting. This is also a place where you can go inside and get warm and probably find a snack and a rest room.

To the generous people handing out goodies to our little costumed friends please be aware that not all kids speak well or are able to communicate as “normal” kids. They aren’t being rude it is just who they are. Please to do not take offence and not treat because of this. Kids are kids and they just want to have fun.

General safety rules of course are wear bright clothes, so you can be seen. Hold hands and walk together in busy places. Do not trick or treat alone, make sure you have an adult with you. Go to houses you know. Have an adult check your treats to make sure they are safe before eating them.

Be aware of extra police helping to keep kiddos safe as they walk around town. And if you’re lucky maybe that officer has candy too! Help keep those cute little monsters safe, when driving watch for little ones who may try to sneak between cars or out of the grip of an adult. Be patient with kids as they are kids and are excited, so they may not be watching for you.

The bottom line, have fun, and be safe so all of those cute costumed kiddos come home safe!

Hurting Kids Hurt People

Hurting Kids Hurt People

 

Many people ask me as a counselor how do I help my hurting kid? Parents and caregivers can see their child is hurting. This a problem that isn’t always easy to solve. You see, it is because some hurts are so big. It isn’t like a scrapped knee that gets a band aid and a kiss. I wish it was that simple. Believe me as I see kids sit across from me in tears because they can’t figure out why their parent doesn’t come home or why someone who loves them so much would purposely hurt them.

Children naturally think that anything that happens is because of something they did. For example, if mom and dad split up kids think that if they would have behaved better or gotten better grades their parents wouldn’t have split up. When in reality the parents split up for very adult reasons. This is how I explain it to my client kids so they hopefully understand that mom and dad getting a divorce isn’t because of something they did.

When kids are hurting there are some very basic things parents and caregivers can do to help. One, listen. Just be available for your kids to talk and don’t judge what they are saying. Two, provide consistency. Don’t let kids do naughty things and let them get away with it because “they are having a hard time.” Three, allow your child to be angry or sad. God wired us to have those feelings. It is okay to have them and express them. I tell the kids I work with that it is okay to be angry, but to not do naughty things in their anger. Lastly, find our child a qualified mental health professional who specializes in working with children to help. Look for a child therapist who knows and understands children and trauma.

When working with kids who are hurting things can come up like depression, anxiety, stress, anger, acting out, as well as others. One way to support your child at home is to offer a “safe space.” This may be their room or some other place where they can get a way and just chill out. Also, provide some kind of “cool down kits.” Things in these kits could be activities that are quiet and calming to your child. Some sound cancelling headphones, coloring book and crayons, puzzles, books, music, or a journal just to list a few.

In cases where children or teens have made comments that they don’t want to be around or want to hurt themselves, PLEASE get help! This is not a game! Even if you think your child wouldn’t do anything, do you want to be wrong? Also, make sure to lock up all meds and sharp objects to keep them safe. Make a safety plan with them and their therapist. Do not be afraid to reach out for help so your child or teen can hopefully get the proper help they need and deserve.

The Play in Therapy

The Play in Therapy

“Wow!” That is usually the response I get when a child walks into my office for the first time. I work with children and it is very obvious from the way my office looks. There are toys, games, stuffed animals on the couch, a big wooden doll house, and a car rug on the floor. There are bright colored pictures on my walls of things that kids like, cars, animals, photographs, and even Mickey Mouse.

Kids come in and they want to play. Well of course they see the toys and think that they are here to play. Well, they are, but they are also here to get help. The toys and games in my office are tools to help children talk to me. I let children play while we talk. This helps them to relax. They also are able to “act out” what is going on.

Kids can come in and play with the puppets and may use the puppet to talk about feelings or something that is bothering them. It is safe to talk to a puppet, adults, not always. A child may take the dolls and act out what is happening in their family.

When I work with clients who are six and younger, we play with puzzles and learning games because it keeps their hands busy so we can talk. I can also assess if they are at a normal developmental level. I have activities which my younger clients may do in school and they are familiar with them and so therefore feel more comfortable.  

Some may see what I do as playing games with kids, and they are right, to a point. I play games in a therapy setting to talk about feelings, grief, anger, and other childhood issues. In playing these games kids relax and they can talk more freely with me about how they are feeling.

Some of these games I create myself, and some I find elsewhere. I do my research to find activities that will be effective and helpful for my clients. I make sure they are age appropriate and that it applies to them.

Some may just see the stuffed animals on my couch as a cute decoration, but they have a purpose. They comfort hurting kids. When you were crying as a child you had a “stuffy” that you cuddled with. This is the same idea. I have had children sit on the couch crying and hold a stuffed animal for comfort. This helps them process their emotions.

I have a snack bucket in my office with healthy snacks for kids. Why do I do this? Well, it is hard to talk to a hungry kid. Many of my kids come straight from school and they are hungry. So, they get a snack and we talk. It also helps busy parents who are trying to get their children to counseling straight from school. They know I have snacks in my office, healthy snacks!

Why is play so important in counseling a child? Well, children communicate and learn through play. They use their imagination to talk about feelings. Children developmentally are very concrete thinkers. If they can use toys and games to communicate some very tough emotions then this is a win in my book! If you watch children play they act out what they know. This is why playing “house” is such a common thing.

Another thing I do with my clients depending on their age is to read them books. We read books on things like death, divorce, feelings, friendship, my library is full of these types of books. Why do I read with my young clients? Well, first it is a bonding thing. Most kids like to be read to. And second, they can identify with the story. They can see the characters in the books struggle with things like anger, fear, and sadness just like they do. They are not alone. Many times, kids feel like they are the only ones who feel anger, and sadness. Reading these books helps to make their feelings “normal.”

If it ever comes a time when a child you love needs a therapist make sure they understand children. Many therapists say they work with kids, but if you look at their office or talk to them it is obvious they don’t. Your child deserves a place where they can be a kid and talk about the big stuff they are dealing with. Do your research and see who your child connects with. You would make sure they have the proper medical care so make sure they have the right mental health care too.

Design a Friend

Design a Friend

What kind of friends do your kids pick? Are they kind? Are they a good influence? Does your child behave well when they are around their friends? What is the ideal friend for you child? What qualities does your child want in a friend?

Well, help them design a friend! For starters, is the person kind? Are they willing to share? Does your child play well with them? Do they like your child for who they are or does your child have to change to fit in?

There are so many factors when children pick friends. We as adults want to help them pick friends that are right for them. We want to help kids make friends that will last. Some kids look for what they can get from someone. Some kids want to be friends with someone because they are “popular.”

Also, as adults we need to teach children to be friends with kids who may not have friends. Teaching them to love their neighbor. These children may be hard to be friends with. But, in many cases they are the ones who need friends the most. They may be the kid who is “different” or the new kid. These kids need friends just as much as the “popular” kids if not more.

Not only do you want your child to make wise choices in picking friends, but you also want them to be a good friend to someone else. Friendship is a two-way street. Helping your child design their own friend but also helping design the type of friend someone else may need your child to be. How does your child interact with kids who may need extra grace and help? Do they include them or do they make fun of them?

Some schools are starting a “buddy bench.” The idea is there is a bench on the playground at your child’s school. If someone needs a friend to play with at school they sit on the bench. This shows other kids they need a buddy to play with. The kids go over to the bench and sit and talk to the child looking for a friend. They hopefully can be able to play together and be buddies. The coolest part is that kids came up with this idea!

Children live in a world filled with bullies and mean people. We as adults need to help children find a way to not only help them make good friends but also be a good friend to those around them. Your child may not be friends with everyone, but they need to learn to respect others, hopefully they can influence others to do the same.

The New Kid on the Block

The New Kid on the Block

 

Is your child starting at a new school? Are they the new kid? You always hear horror stories of the new kid’s first day of school. They have no one to sit with at lunch. They do not know anyone. They have no one to play with at recess. Maybe they get picked on because they wear the wrong thing.

These things can cause great stress on you and your child. As a parent, you want your child to succeed. You want your child to fit in and have good friends. These things come to mind as your child goes into their new school for the first time.

To help with this transition you may suggest to your child, find a friendly face. Be friendly and courageous. These things help, but it takes lots of courage to be the new kid. As the new kid, you look at a sea of faces none of which are familiar. If you are lucky there may be one or two kids you know, but it can be hard to fit in right away. No matter what, it can be very scary to go to a school where you don’t know anyone.

Your child will make it through the day. Things will be okay. They will make friends. As a parent, be there listen to your child. Help the figure out ways to make friends and do well in their school. Meet with their new teacher. Get to know some of the other parents in your child’s class. Allow your child to be in after school activities to help meet new friends.

If your child is transitioning from being homeschooled to public school many of the same things apply. Hopefully your child will know some of the kids in their school from things like church or youth group or some other non-school activity. This will help your child’s transition into public school.

Help your child the best you can. Some things will not be within your control or your child’s control. But if will be okay. Help your child be flexible. Remember there is a period of adjustment and understand that your child may have some different behaviors until they adjust to their new school.

Kids usually adjust faster than adults think they well. Just give it time.

Being a Shining Star in a Dark World

Be a Shining Star in a Dark World

 

As you and your children gear up to go back to school remember something, to be a support for not only your child but your child’s friends. Your child’s friends may not have the best home life. They may be living in a single parent home where their parent may work extra hours to make ends meet. Many children live in a home where both parents work so they may have limited time with their parents. There may be stress or issues in the home where children do not want to be at home because of the tension this creates.

Where may these kids be? Well, they may be your child’s friends, your family member, a classmate, a neighbor. They are all around you. I know you have your own kids to worry about getting to practice and getting homework done. But, what if you became that home where children felt safe and loved. What if your home turned into a place where your children’s friends felt like they could come hang out, eat a snack, do their homework, and they felt like someone cared? What impact do you think that would have?

Well, that single mom would know their child was some place where they were safe and cared for so she wouldn’t be worrying about them while she worked. That working family who are just struggling to get by would know their child is being looked after by a trusted adult.

The child who comes to hang out in your home would feel safe. They would learn to trust other adults even when other adults have let them down many times before. They would have an example of what a “normal” family looked like. They would have friends they could hang out with and play with who were a good influence.  They would have an adult who would listen to them when they have had a bad day. They would feel heard.

I know this is a mighty task as a parent. It does not need to be every day and it doesn’t need to be all evening. I know caring for other children can be stressful and not easy. Maybe you’re a single parent too. So, maybe you work something out with another single parent where you trade days so you can help each other out.

Be a light to the children, teens, and families around you. See what you can do as a parent, a stay at home mom or dad, an aunt or uncle, to make a positive difference in the life of not only a child but their family as well. Be that light shines in a dark world. There are so many negative things happening that wouldn’t it be amazing if as a community could help be stars shining bright in a world of darkness. 

My Mission

My Mission

 

Helping Kids is my calling not just the name of my business. I love children. I always have. I began babysitting at the age of twelve and have worked with children ever since. I love helping children and their families. This is my life work. I have worked at as a teacher, children’s minister, missionary, Sunday School Teacher, Vacation Bible School director, and now counselor.

I see hurting and struggling children and I just want to reach out and help. It could be a problem they are having at home, it could be someone is hurting them, or they are having a hard time in school. I just want to help them make it better.

In Sunday School class, every week I do a check in with my third graders. This allows them time to tell me what is going on in their lives. They know I will listen to them. They also know that I am interested in them. I still have kids after many years of teaching Sunday School who still come to me when they are having a problem or to just get a hug.

I get asked often if I have children. No, I do not, but the kids who come through my door whether in my office, or my Sunday School classroom are “my” kids. I do my best to look after them. That saying, “it takes a village” is so very true. My church parents know that if there is something serious going on with their kids and I find out about it that I will most definitely let them know!

Why am I telling all of this? For one it is what is on my heart, and for two I take the scripture of Jesus letting the little children come to him very seriously. We need to be like Jesus and let the children come to us. We need to be approachable. Kids need to know they can come to us when they need help. They need to know they have grown-up friends who love them and care about them.

As adults, we need to invest in the lives of children on a daily basis. Whether as a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, or friend. Kids need to know they matter.  We want children to be successful adults, so we adults need to help them.

Some kids go through so much, and they have a hard time trusting adults. We need to be an adult they can trust. We may be the only one. It is possible to overcome the hurt, pain and trauma that happens to kids, with the right people there helping. It needs to be our mission to invest in children in a positive way to help them become a successful adult.

Your Back to School Check List

Your Back to School Check List

 

Pencils—check, paper—check, cool new back pack—check, mental readiness for school—wait, what? As you are checking off your child’s supply list make sure they are mentally ready for school to start again. Are they ready for the stress of school work? Are they still having issues with that one kid who wouldn’t leave them alone last year?

Helping your child be mentally ready for school is just as important as to be physically ready for school. Do they have the self-confidence to handle “that one kid”? Are they ready for the school work? Last school year did they have issues with anxiety because of school? Are you concerned your child will still have some “behavior issues”?

I know that it is summer and we are all busy with doing the fun stuff, taking vacations, playing at the beach, enjoying family time. But as you get closer to school starting and getting your kids and yourself ready to go back to school take a moment or two to think about issues that may need to be addressed before starting school again.

Some kids are very scared to go back to school for many reasons. It could be bullies, teachers, work load, peer pressure, or something else. Have a very open conversation with your kids about how they are feeling about school starting. Yes, of course most kids do not want school to start because well, it is school and they are kids. But, if it is more than that then it needs to be addressed.

If you feel they are not ready for school to start for one of these reasons be proactive and preventative about it. Seek counseling services for your child. You and their therapist can help them together. Sometimes kids are more willing to tell a therapist they trust what they worry about then mom or dad. Find a therapist you trust and begin the work of getting your child mentally ready for school. It is better to start now then waiting for a couple of months when there is an actual problem.  

Start your kids off on the right foot to have a successful school year. Don’t set them up for failure. Also, if you are struggling in getting things for your kids for school do not be afraid to reach out. Many schools and communities have back to school supply collections to help families who may need the extra boost. And if you can help with one of these drives by donating supplies for kids going back to school, please do so. When you do, you are making an investment in a kid’s future and helping to set them up for success!

Happy Family Reunion

Happy Family Reunion

It is summer time so it is also family time. Summer allows us extra time to spend with our families and have reunions, camping trips, vacations, time at Grandma’s. All of this is fun and exciting. But, how do you set boundaries for your children with your family?

First, try to keep your child’s routine as normal as possible. I know there are fireworks, bonfires, and other late-night activities. Sure, let your child enjoy those activities, but also be flexible. If your child is exhausted then by all means get them into bed! Allow times for quiet time and down time. Allow you and your child time to rest and have a break. Cousins are fun, but, everyone needs a little space to rest. Even if the solution is putting in a movie and everyone has a quite hour to rest their bodies from all the fun.

Second, do not plan every single moment of your time together. Yes, having things planned like going to the beach or to the movies is important, check your area for fun trips to do as a family.  But then also just as important is having time for kids to just be kids and play outside and have “free play.” This allows kids to play together if they choose and bond together with their cousins. When I was growing up some of my favorite memories of me and my cousins is just playing outside.

Third, let your child choose when they want to give hugs and kisses. If your child says no to a hug or a kiss respect their choice. It does not mean they do not like the person, it just means they are not in the mood to be touched. These are healthy boundaries. Healthy families will respect this and allow your child to be themselves.

Fourth, every family has their “drama moments” so just be aware of these. If you do not feel comfortable and feel like you need to leave then go with your gut. These may be the family members who may have been drinking a little too much, or like to pick fights for no apparent reason. You as the parent need to use your best judgement in knowing when to leave the situation. Yes, someone may be “hurt” because you leave but they will get over it. You need to do what is best for you and your children.

Family time should be a happy and fun time, but if it is not then use your best judgement and leave if for some reason you do not feel safe physically or emotionally. Enjoy your time with your family and build healthy family relationships that will last a life time.

Dear Moms..Take a Break, It's OK!

Dear Moms…Take a Break, It’s OK!

Learn to take a break! Yes, that’s right, you heard what I said. Take time for YOU! Take care of YOU! Yes, your kids need you. They need things from you, but you need you too. I know this is easier said than done, especially single moms. And I know that when you try to plan this for yourself something ALWAYS happens. Learn to take a break for yourself and not feel guilty.

Why should you? Well, you are a caregiver. Caregivers need a break too. If care givers don’t get breaks they will not be able to care for others for very long. Your job very ends! You are on call 24/7. How do you balance work and home? How do you care for your kids and your family? One step at a time. But, sometimes you need to take a break.

How do I take a break? Well, talk with your husband, or support network. Try to schedule time for yourself. Make a plan, and stick to it. What do you do? Well, take a nap, soak in the tub, run errands by yourself. Do something for YOURSELF! Even if it is a few minutes in your day. The dishes can wait. Your kids twenty years from now are not going to say, “Man, my mom could really clean those dishes!” No, they are going to remember the time you spent with them! And they you took care of you. Your kids will notice!

If you can get into the routine of taking care of yourself you will feel so much better as a person, a mother, a wife, an employee, a daughter. You are trying to juggle so many things at once that if you don’t set a few things down for a little bit you will be overwhelmed, overworked, and stressed out! And “when momma ain’t happy, no one happy!”

Also, learn your limits. Learn to say no! It is okay to say no to someone or something and not feel bad about it. Set your priorities and stick to them. What is important to you? Your kids, family, job, God? Stick to those things and everything else will fall into place.  You do not have to be super mom! That doesn’t exist! No one is perfect! Not even moms!

Learn to take time for yourself and not only will you feel better, but so will your kids and your family! Talk with your other mom friends to set up a way that you can help each other out and be supports for each other, both physically and emotionally. No mom can do this job alone! Get yourself some mom friends and stick together!

Be Your "Selfie"

Be Your “Selfie”

Teen girls struggle with who they are and who they are created to be. They compare themselves to others around them. They want to be “liked.” They want to be “popular.” But, according to who? To your peers? To your friends? To society? Of course, we all want to fit in somewhere, but what is the cost? Do girls need to sell out and be something they are not?

First, I want all girls out there young and not so young to know that you have a Heavenly Father who loves you more than you can imagine! You were created in HIS image! And because God made you in His image, you are not junk! You were created to have a purpose and to be beautiful just the way you are, inside and out!

God does not care that you wear the latest fashion or have an expensive purse. What He cares about is your heart. He wants you to be beautiful on the inside. It does not matter to God if you are a “girley girl,” a “tom boy,” or a “Princess.” To Him you are all princesses!

So, what does this all mean? Well, you are God’s daughter. You are the daughter of a King, so act like it! Look at yourself and decide to love yourself for who you are flaws and all. We all have flaws, no one is perfect. 

Second, do not look down on someone else! God would NEVER do that to you so don’t you dare do it to someone else! No matter how tough you think you are or how tough you think someone else is, do not treat them like less them one of God’s children! Because that is exactly what they are!

Third, your job as a daughter to the King is to love others. Will this always be easy, no! People are human and they are broken. They will most likely hurt you at some point. The key is to not let it get you down. Look up and focus on what God wants from you. 

Girls know how to be mean to each other. They fight different than boys in most cases. They gossip, lie, and do other hurtful things. As a daughter of the King try not to get yourself into situations where you are tempted to do these things to other girls. Even when a girl may have done something to you first. You need to guard your heart and mind from this behavior. Will it be hard, absolutely!

You also need to be on guard for girls who try to do these things to you as well. Be aware of who these girls are and most likely stay clear of them. These girls could end up causing more hurt and pain. They are not worth trying to be friends with even if they are part of the “popular” group. Remember God is the one you need your approval from not others around you.

Learn to love yourself so you can love others. Be your “selfie!” Look at yourself and others the way God does. With nothing but unconditional love!

Are You Bored Yet?

Are You Bored Yet?

Have you heard your child say, “I’m bored” yet? Only a few days out of school and they are “bored.” Have you as a parent set up a routine for your kids? Do they have a daily “to do” list? Things they can do or need to do, chores, activities, outings, etc.  So, what do you do when your kids say they are “bored.”

Do you give suggestions? Do you get frustrated? Do you automatically find something for them to do or take them somewhere? Many years ago, when I was a kid in the summer time, if I told my mom I was “bored,” her response was, “If you are bored I will help you find something to do.” I knew this was not something I wanted because it usually meant doing some sort of chore that I REALLY didn’t want to do! I then went and found something for myself to keep busy!

Kids need to learn how to use their time wisely. They also need to learn to entertain themselves without the need to sit and play on a screen or video game for most of their day. Remember the good old days when there wasn’t all these video games and electronics? We played outside. We played with friends. We got dirty. We were kids! 

I understand letting children play video games, when there are long car rides, must wait for an appointment, or when there is a rainy day.  Kids need to learn to play and use their imagination! 

So, how do parents limit their child’s screen time? Well, set time limits. I know parents who say a few hours a day or only if there is a rainy day. Also, I know parents who do things like, the child must earn screen time. The child must get their other things done first. Make a list for your child of things they need to do before they can have screen time, chores, playing outside, reading, etc. There are all kinds of creative ways to get this done. Just check Pinterest! 

Plan fun things to do with your kids for the summer. Check your local area for things like zoos, museums, hiking, biking, Vacation Bible School, camp, the beach, etc. Your kids want to spend time with you and create memories.  

When your child is all grown, what memories are they going to have? They are not going to remember their score on some video game, they are going to remember you spending time with them! Enjoy your kids and their summer vacation!